on 24 April 2012
Based on the reviews and my ability to laugh so loud with tears running down my face...(I woke my children up who in turn asked me to keep it down!!)... I do believe this product is a winner. Its effectiveness and ability to satisfy and humble each customer hand in hand makes it a must buy product.
I do wonder if diluted, could this product spring clean my patio rather than using a pressure washer...I have a confidence that I never felt with any bleaching product! ps think it's time the ladies took their gloves off and shared them with their men folks....treat this product like a hair dye....one wrong application and everyone's going to notice!!!
on 13 April 2012
Its important that I am honest from the outset - I am an extraordinarily hairy man - not Julio Iglesias, Brian Blessed or Al from Home Improvement hairy - I mean properly hirsute. Not just a bit across the shoulders or back but thick, long, dark hair over my entire body - flat like an afghan hound's ([...]) but deep like a French Water Barbet's ([...]). I cannot put into words quite how much hair I normally have to deal with I am, in short, a human yeti - a sort of half man half grizzly.
So when a friend of mine suggested Veet I was sceptical at first. I thought how can a tube of seemingly innocuous cream come anywhere close to tackling my head-to-toe body rug? Well as someone who does not do anything in half measures I bought 135 tubes last weekend (equivalent to some 27 litres) to see if the miracle that has seemingly blessed so many of the hairy men folk on here could work the magic on me.
After taking time to read the application instructions I ignored them completely and squeezed all 135 tubes into my bath* - my reckoning went that total submersion would be the only way to tackle the problem head on and to ensure good consistent coverage and prolonged exposure. Once I had filled the tub up to the top I put on a small pair of swimming goggles so as to preserve both my eyebrows and eyelashes of which I am rather fond but nothing else - I wanted to ensure that this was a full body experience and not the hit and miss application approach taken, with mixed results, by my wife.
I put on the greatest hits of the Cranberries on my bathroom CD player and hopped right in. At first it was hard to tell if it was working - 30 minutes in and although I had rigourously rubbed the length of my body I wasn't certain that it had really soaked in much deeper than the first inch or two of hair. However after the best part of two hours I could begin to feel the warm satisfying heat of dissolving fur all over my body. In fact so relaxing was it I feel asleep and woke 6 hours later not only to find that the Cranberries had even more greatest hits that I could remember but to find myself as bald and as smooth as the day I was born.
In my excitement I leapt out of the bath and ran as fast as I could downstairs to present my beautiful fresh pink body to my wife (as an aside I would warn against this level of enthusiasm as I shook much of the remaining cream over all the carpets and rugs on our landing and living room - both of which now have deep bald marks all over them). Perhaps unsurprisingly she let out quite a scream - seeing her husband of 17 years in a way she had never, ever before. After the initial excitement wore off I did not notice a slight stinging on the more tender parts of my body but it was a small price to pay for the new me.
From my previous uber hirsute state I am now transformed - my life has changed immeasurably and for ever - one of my friends even told me that I am not dissimilar to a young Anne Robinson, albeit somewhat less ginger and with a slightly larger pot belly. Something even only weeks ago I could only dream of.
*Yes - as a happy side effect it did also clear the giant log of furballs that had been blocking the plug hole for some time and been threatening my marriage
on 30 April 2012
Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca's armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan's own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.
My eyes widening with mounting horror, I surveyed the damage occurring to my sausage and beans with no small sense of panic. My pubes were actually bubbling and fizzing, in much the same way they might if one of James Cameron's Aliens had just sprayed their acid blood upon them. There were no swear words strong enough to adequately describe the agony, and in my delirium I began making them up. I don't recall exactly what I screamed, but I'm fairly sure the entirely-new expletive "funting" was employed.
With as much haste as I could muster I hobbled into the shower and applied cooling water to the conflagration in my crotch, which only served to spread the napalm to my perineum. I am not a church-going man but as I felt the flaming horror trickle across that tender inch of no-man's land, I confess that I prayed aloud to Jesus and his host of angels that the advancing agony would not stray into my buttonhole. However, my prayers went unheeded, and as I felt the liquid inferno sizzle its way into my most private of eyes, I lost consciousness, but not before grabbing the shower curtain and collapsing, in a disturbing echo of that famous scene from Hitchcock's "Psycho". Although believe me, being hacked to death by Norman Bates in a dress would have been a walk in the park compared to the searing agony I endured that fateful day.
on 13 April 2012
I have recently started to date a younger girl and decided to "tidy myself" up with some serious manscaping as to increase the illusion of "looking bigger". I didn't want to go down the route of removing EVERYTHING so decided it would be fun to come up with a theme.
If any one else, like me, decides to try and draw the Batman logo down there I feel I should offer some advice!
1. Make a stencil first
2. Don't leave it on for to long
3. Don't run your hand though your hair (on head) whilst admiring yourself in the mirror and attempting work out roughly what 6 mins is in your head.
Needles to say I left it on too long and ended up with burnt testicles and single - let that be a warning!
I've awarded 5 stars at it did what you'd expect it to do - make you look like you never hit puberty.
Probably a product that shouldn't have been invented for dudes but, hey, it was a life experience
on 8 May 2012
Picture the scene: a badly sunburnt, blistered and shaved Boris Johnson carries two red Space Hoppers accross the surface of Mars. This is an accurrate description of the current state of my genital region 3 weeks after a liberal application of this product. Seriously, my once proud Biggles looks more like the lone equine survivor of a fire at a donkey sanctuary.
On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
- My pain threshold has almost trebled
- I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
- using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island.
It is due only to point 3 that this product gets 5 stars.
on 3 May 2012
Sergeant slaughter and his two lovely daughters
Do get the occasional trim.
New bird on the stage, nearly half my age
My purchase a bit of a whim
The instruction book did not get a look
I thought I knew how to use Veet
Whipped out my tower, whilst stood in the shower
Spreading it liberally all over my meat
I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw
I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster.
Less grass on the wicked, but all's still not cricket
It does add an inch or two
A full week past, how long will it last?
Still unable to sit, stand or poo.
You may well cry but tears will dry,
Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars,
My slong looks huge, still no sign of pubes
So i'm happy to award it 5 stars
on 13 June 2012
In truth I was quite looking forward to it, rubbing creamy gel into my private parts didn't sound unpleasant. People pay for that kind of service. So I put a dollop onto my hands, rubbed them together to warm it up and applied it to my hirsute undercarriage. I confess here, for the benefit of others, that I did apply some to parts that weren't actually hairy.
In my minds eye was a pleasant few minutes rubbing, followed by a gentle rinse in warm water from the measuring jug, with my tackle hanging over the rim of the sink as it had so many times before when being shaved. Afterwards, there would be Dave and the Twins, hairless but with none of that sharp stubble that my wife complains about.
Reality was altogether different. The first thing I noticed was that Davey's head was getting warm, then it started to swell. I made a mental note to avoid putting any here in future. There is no chance of me forgetting my mental note as within 2 minutes the warming sensation had turned to a burning pain that had me scraping as much gel off as possible with the nearest hand towel. Now it was time for the Twins to register their discomfort, by hiding as far inside my body as is possible and turning my ball-sack into a concrete bunker.
There was no hanging them over the rim of the sink now, and the pain was growing. A desperate scrubbing with a wet flanel had no effect, my tackle needed cold water and lots of it.
I filled the plastic measuring jug (the cooking type with pouring spout and measurements up the side) with cold water and dunked the boys inside, no good - couldn't get enough in, so I bent forwards and held the jug as close to my stomach as possible to prevent spillage whilst I jumped up and down to give the boys a proper slooshing.
I think I banged my head on the sink as I slipped over, it's all a bit fuzzy after that.
Anyway, the point is you must be prepared if you use this product. Don't get it onto any bits that are sensitive and make sure you have a proper methof of rinsing it all off. I give it 5 stars as it did remove all the hair and some of the pattern off the lino.
on 9 June 2012
I live in the countryside and watching the lambs gambol in the fields I pondered that they would need shearing soon and from there turned my thoughts to doing a little thinning of my own undergrowth. On a trip into town I saw a tube of Veet and the product description seemed ideal for my purposes. I didn't read the instructions because I'm a man.
One night, when the wife and kids were in bed, I got out the tube and applied the gel liberally to my crotch. For the first few moments I felt nothing but then after about 5.9 seconds I had a strange sense of deja-vu. You see when I was a teenager one of my younger brothers mates shot me in the head with a bow and arrow. He didn't mean to but we beat him up for it anyway. While the arrow was stuck in my head I could feel some pain but the shock kept that down. It was the thought that I'm going to have to pull this baby out which is going to magnify the pain massively that stuck with me.
As the gel started to sizzle and wisps of smoke started rising I knew that the pain I was feeling now would be as nothing compared to what was coming. It wasn't. Trying to find the words to describe it is difficult but imagine, if you can, having your scrotum industrially sandblasted from a distance of about a foot with broken glass mixed with acid and salt.
I ran outside into the cool night squealing like a stuck pig to hose down my crotch. I had no thoughts at this time of what the neighbours would think of this unholy banshee, but afterwards I heard in the nearby villages they had laughingly put it down to a family of foxes being caught in a thresher. At some point the water butt was drained and my screams went up a further few octaves into the realms beyond human hearing. Which was good for sparing my embarrassment with the neighbours, but was less good for the bats in my loft for whom the intensity of my scream proved terminal.
I wolfed down some pethidine and strong codeine tablets and was able to sleep for a few fitful hours. I dreamed there was a giant troll repeatedly trying to drop-kick my scrotum to Poland, before awaking to witness the damage done. My eyes were running with the pain, my scrotum looked like something that would be served as an hors d'oeuvre to Sauron, and my sense of smell had gone.
I later found out that the acrid fumes from my burning crotch were so pungent they cauterised my nostrils.
So overall 5 out of 5. It clearly does remove hair, and flesh, or at least that's what they say has happened when the dressings are changed.
I didn't expect to have to wear an adult nappy because of the ongoing genital weeping, and I am "off-games" for at least the rest of the year and possibly the whole of my adult life, but there you go.
Potential buyers might consider self-castration as a cheaper and less invasive alternative.
on 26 April 2012
Been trimming the old fizz for a while now, always grows back quick, even on a close fly by with the trimmers!
My mates in the cafe rated it, , the wife rates it, I thought it's got to be good...
Based on that I bought a tube in my lunch hour, having an easy day, so I thought, I'll pop into the site loos and prep myself, surprise the wife tonight and we could both go bare bouncing together.
I did the job, pulled up my kit and washed my hands, thought I had time to spare walking over to the onsite showers...
The onsite showers hadn't been connected yet! This left the water butt way over the other side of the site by the cement mixers...
The site accident report states: ` for some unknown reason the carpenter stripped stark bullock naked running across site, he fell into the cement footings and broke his leg, before climbing out and sitting in the water butt. Unfortunately the brick layer thought he was about to be attacked by a frenzied grey slime coloured beast and smashed his trowel down flat on top of the carpenters head, knocking him unconscious.
The ambulance arrived and because of the carpenters pleading treated the scalded clangers first!
HSE to investigate for unknown harmful toxic substance on site.'
I only remember feeling that I was running ways from a fire reaching between my legs, I don't remember the fall into cement, I don't remember landing arse first into the water butt, I do remember being lifted out of the water and screaming to be put back in.
So, use this stuff only in the bathroom, with the bath already run and your wife standing with a watering can as back up.
My maraca's took five days to settle down, the bleached skin took on the blue dye from the cement retardant in the water butt and my wife won't go down on me, because she says I look like a miniature turkeys neck and can't stop pissing herself laughing until she gets hiccups!
This stuff does do what it says and a whole lot more!
6 out of 5
on 14 April 2012
Although I understood the part about 'intimate use' I could not find anything about this not being for nose or ear hair. I get fed up with constantly cutting myself whilst trying to cut my ear and nose hair with a pair of Kitchen Scissors, so I decided that this product would work for me. I rubbed it up into my nostrils and around the outside of my ears. Very soon the burn started and trust me it really makes your eyes water. Probably more that if it was on your knob or bollocks like the other reviewer did. If your eyes do water, make sure the product is not on your hands when you go to wipe your eyes as this porodcut also removes eyelashes and eyebrows and makes youe eyes water even more. I look like I have been put on a sunbed for too long and people keep asking me why I am crying. Still, a good product which does what it says.