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4.6 out of 5 stars14
4.6 out of 5 stars
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on 18 November 2012
I bought "Why Does He Do That" & since then I've raved about it to friends who have now learnt to identify what they thought was normal actually isn't!

It gives you a different read & has exercises for you to complete if you wish, but trust me, once you start reading, you'll want to do them as it engages you to a level of thought that really keeps your attention.

I was dating a man with an addiction to alcohol, nicotine, weed, cocaine, sex & his abusive behaviour on top took it's toll!

It was like reading my life with him & that was hard as I knew for me it would never work, his deep rooted issues wouldn't allow me as an equal!!
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on 24 June 2014
After twenty one years of a difficult marriage, blaming myself for our problems, analysing what I had done wrong, rationalising his moods and problems, soothing his endlessly troubled brow, working things through in my head all of the time, looking for logical explanations for why I felt so bad, I read this book. And in it, I found my husband, described in jaw-droppingly accurate detail. This book opened my eyes to the sad reality of my marriage and my husband's insidious and covert manipulation of my self esteem. It has given me critical insight and strength and I feel empowered. Brilliantly and sensitively written, I found my situation described with such accuracy and empathy, it blew me away. The journal that I wrote as I worked through the exercises has become my friend - I turn to it when I start to question my interpretation of his behaviour again and in it I find calming re-assurance, no, i am not imagining all of this. Brilliant.
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on 17 June 2015
I didn't think I needed this book. I only got it because I was familiar with Lundy Bancroft's other book "Why Does He Do That?", it having been hugely helpful when my sister was getting out of an abusive relationship. So I'd become a fan of his work and had this book on pre-order out of curiosity. It turned up on my Kindle a few months later, and I can't tell you how uncomfortable it was to read this and realise how much it had to say to me. I was in a relationship that I'd been making all sorts of excuses for - everything was going to be wonderful, I was assured, at some ever-shifting point in the future. Meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly anxious and wondering what had happened to me... why I no longer recognised myself, why I always thought twice before representing my own thoughts and feelings to my partner (and usually ended up not saying anything at all), and why I no longer felt any pride in who I was. I'd been made to feel as though I was expecting too much of my partner, when in fact I had been conditioned to focus all of my energies on meeting his needs while at the same time suppressing my own.

While it was uncomfortable to read this, I'll forever be glad that I did. It cut through the nonsense and misdirection and helped me to see that relationship for what it was. Thank you, Lundy Bancroft.
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on 27 October 2014
Fantastic read really put things into perspective would definitely recommend thank you Lundy Bancroft .
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on 2 March 2014
This is a fantastic book if you are in the unfortunate position of questioning your current relationship. It provides clear, practical advice, without judgement, which is so incredibly important when you're in such a tricky situation. Highly recommended.
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on 14 November 2015
Geared towards an American audience but a comprehensive analysis of what needs to be thought about when dealing with an abusive relationship.
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on 10 August 2015
Absolutely fantastic book. Well worth buying. Full of practical ideas about how to cope in an abusive relationship and the aftermath.
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on 24 October 2015
By chance, I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I borrowed it from the library and it started switching on some lights about my current situation, and past situations.
The author has extensive knowledge and experience working with and dealing with abusers, be it mental, physical, spiritual, emotional etc., and he tells it like it is. He is also able to tell us what it is and what it looks like in our lives. It can be really uncomfortable to read because of our own denial and magical thinking, but I urge you for your own health, wellbeing and sanity, read the whole book. If you let it, it will be the start to a great change in your life.
I then went searching for anything else by Lundy, and came across this as a possible follow up.
In it, Lundy and his co author gently and literally walk you through the process of untangling yourself from the web of manipulation, control and abuse that you have been living in. If your partner is alcoholic, a drug addict, has mental health issues etc., they cover all these aspects, and even say that none of these things are the cause of abuse. Abuse is abuse, period.
They do it in a way that makes you feel loved, nurtured, affirmed, validated and cared for whilst making you fully aware of some really hard things. They give you exercises to do to help you get in touch with yourself and find out what you really want, that gently and powerfully empowers you to stand for what is good for you, and hold your partner accountable for his actions, past, present and future. You cannot be soft on abusers, that's how the get away with what they do for so long because of our misdirected empathy towards them.
If you do buy either book, it is very important that the abuser does not see it or even know about it.
I think it is a powerful tool for anyone suffering from any type of abuse, and for helping others who are. It will also give pointers to help regular relationships be better.
I am currently working through it myself, and it is giving me the courage and support to start doing some things in my own situation, knowing that what I have been second guessing myself on is right. I don't have to guess any more. They spell it out clearly. The hard work is me doing it and sticking to it no matter what, and they gently and very constructively help you make a plan for the no matter what.
I cannot recommend this book enough
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on 5 June 2016
A helpful guide to clarifying if your relationship is abusive or not, which is not an easy thing to achieve. Highly recommended, written in a sensitive, supportive yet objective way - it will educate, empower and support you. Well worth every penny.
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on 27 January 2014
If you are on this page then you have probably already come to the conclusion that you might have to leave the situation you are in. You have probably read Lundy's other book. This book can help you sort your thoughts in to some kind of order, even if you are not quite ready yet to make the final decision. Personally, I already knew my situation wasn't going to improve and I did need some kind of affirmation that I was right to be thinking about leaving.
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