228 of 229 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars why does he do that
Before I read this book,and after reading several other books on verbal and emotional abuse,I was not sure what was going on in my marraige.After reading this book,I am sure .There is no doubt.I wish I had read this 10 years ago,when i first married.The author portrays several different types of abusive men--my husband is there.Your husband will be too, if you suspect you...
Published on 9 Nov 2005 by janecraven
40 of 65 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars A Bitter Rant (the book that is, and perhaps my review)
I bought this book to help me with my own anger issues (I'm male). I've never hit a partner but can be verbally abusive. I've read many books that try to help the reader understand THEIR OWN anger. As this approaches it from the RECIPIENTS point of view, I hoped it would be different to the others, and a helpful step along the way to MY rehabilitation.
Published on 4 Jan 2011 by BroadPete
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228 of 229 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars why does he do that,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)Before I read this book,and after reading several other books on verbal and emotional abuse,I was not sure what was going on in my marraige.After reading this book,I am sure .There is no doubt.I wish I had read this 10 years ago,when i first married.The author portrays several different types of abusive men--my husband is there.Your husband will be too, if you suspect you are being abused in some way.Or,the book will clear up for you whether it is abuse or not.This book is a diamond, a must have read,for any woman who does not understand why her husband acts the way he does.Through understanding the abuser,and his methods, his power over you is gone.He keeps you confused deliberatley,but this book blows that away.Even if you are too scared to take the book home, keep it at a freind's house and read it!!It has changed my life.I feel strong and most of all,clear and certain.There are lots of other books on the subject but this one is unique because it leaves no room for doubt.And to know that what is happening is true and it IS him,not YOU, gives you back your self esteem and hope for the future.Read it and be free from his influence.Look at your husband in his true light.
143 of 146 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Why Does He do That?,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)This is an excellent book. I wish I had read it 30 years ago - I would have recognised all the warning signs and saved myself a lot of heartache. It is written by a man who is a therapist for abusive men but directed at the women/partners in their lives. You may think a book like that could be dangerous as it may make women think all men are the same. On the contrary, it opens your eyes and you see the various men in your life in a different light - but only through talking to their partners. Men I would never have thought could be abusive are, and those you might think could be, are not.
You might think it would turn you against all men, or that most men are abusers of one kind or another. Again, wrong! In reality through this book, you begin to realise that only a small minority of men are actually abusers although a few more may have the potential to be abusers if allowed. The key is knowing how to deal with them. How to react and interact with them. A potentially abusive man can only become abusive if you let him. With the knowledge this book gives you, you can learn to be strong and independent and how to stand up for yourself and not allow the abuse to start/continue.
I think every woman should read this book whether they are in a relationship, about to begin one or haven't had their first kiss yet! Forearmed is forewarned which can save a lot of unnecessary suffering. Good luck!
137 of 140 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This is the best book I have read.....,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)about abusive relationships. I have read numerous books in the past year telling me how I may be co-dependant, how I enable my partner to abuse me, that if my behaviour changes his will change and that basically, I am the problem, not him. While these books have given me an insight into myself and have helped develop a strength and understanding I did not have before, they still focused on me being the problem. However, any changes I did make did not change my husband's behaviour and these books reinforced his attitude, that yes, I am the problem and I need help.
Lundy Bancroft spells out in this book in no uncertain terms that I am not the problem, that my partner is the abuser and a bully and it is his problem and he needs to acknowledge it and get help for it. I do not enable him to abuse me - Bancroft states in the book 'Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve' - he is addressing the abuser. I can hold my head high now, I have worked hard on myself and become a better person for it, but I am not the controlling, manipulative female dog my husband keeps telling me I am. This book has made me realise the extent of the damage he has caused our children - he doesn't abuse them directly but watching their mother be abused has created untold problems for them - they are violent towards each other, they have low opinions of females in general and they are basically in turmoil themselves. This book has created a clear path for me - I need to protect myself and my children from the harm my partner is causing on a daily basis. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for giving me the ammunition to blast a doorway into a better life for myself and my children.
88 of 90 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Now I get it,
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)I got this book at a stage where I had very reluctantly accepted that just possibly I may have been abused by my husband for years. What I liked about this book was the simplicity of it. The great thing about this book is to realise that the behaviours are so frequent that they are set out in glorious detail for you to read. The awful thing about this book is to realise how many people live with this type of relationship every day. The book makes it clear that abusers do know what they are doing, contrary to their "I couldn't help myself because.." line of thinking. When you realise that every thing they do is calculated it is a real wake up call. If your partner is abusive, you will find them in this book. You will see their preferred method of manipulation, their strategy for keeping you under their control and their script in the event of you trying to get away. If you are struggling with accepting that your partner may be abusive you should buy this book. If he/she is it will be obvious by the time you finish.
22 of 22 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars If you only buy one book on domestic abuse, make it this one,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)This is a truly brilliant book. Whether you're in a relationship with a controlling person yourself, or have been, or know someone who is (chances are you do but may not realise it), this book is for you. I bought it for my sister when she left her husband for the final time and it's become her bible, not to mention mine and my parents'.
It unpicks the myths and excuses behind abusive behaviour and makes it clear that this type of person does not 'lose control' (far from it) or have 'anger management problems'; they CHOOSE to treat their partners badly, and it brings a lot of benefits for them. Certainly my sister worked herself to a frazzle in an unrelenting effort to meet expectations, only to be told "The only problem we have is that you don't try hard enough". The point is that the goal is a shifting one that is never meant to be achieved.
One of the things that confused my sister was that her husband didn't actually hit her, so she didn't acknowledge it as abuse (although he was physically intimidating: bearing down on her while shouting, breaking furniture etc). The book helped her to realise that emotional abuse is every bit as damaging and unacceptable as physical abuse.
'Why does he do that?' removes the confusion and helps you see abusive people for what they are. Importantly, it helps you realise that you are not crazy, or stupid, or worthless, or whatever else you may have been encouraged to believe. It is written in a very accessible style and is well structured; you can dip into specific sections rather than read from cover to cover if necessary. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
NB: The book that Lundy Bancroft recommends as a resource for friends and families of abused women, 'To be an anchor in the storm' by Susan Brewster, has been reprinted under the new title of 'Helping her get free: a guide for families and friends of abused women' (also available on Amazon).
49 of 50 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Men should read this too,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)This book gives an excellent insight into why some men treat women so badly. The explanation (when it eventually comes) is incredibly simple - he feels entitled to be aggressive because he (falsely) believes his victim has infringed his own (imaginary)"right" to be obeyed etc. As such, abuse is rooted in society's sexist attitudes towards women.
The author points out a number of facts that will help a victim make sense of what is going on in her life -
- The abuser blames her for his own abusive actions; because he believes she has committed an 'offence' which justifies his behaviour. This is why victims end up asking themselves what they have done wrong.
- He is likely to be supported by friends & family who share his attitudes.
- The abuse is secret, so other people still think he is a great guy - which makes his victim feel crazy.
- He does NOT lose control - he CHOOSES to punish her (behind closed doors)
- He is NOT going to change, because he thinks he is in the right.
- There is a big payoff for him - he gets his own way (don't under-estimate this!)
- He thinks he 'owns' his woman (& children), so has the 'right' to treat them how he wants.
The author works with abusive men. So the book is full of explanations of what makes them tick - from the abusers themselves (as well as victims' stories too, of course). This is much more informative than many books which merely guess at the abusers' thought processes.
Men should read this book as well as women, and should challenge the sexist attitudes that still permeate our supposedly enlightened society.
It does make me sad that some reviewers think ALL men are the same. That is simply untrue - and it is certainly not what the author says.
Also women can abuse men too (perhaps in different ways), but this book does not address that situation at all. Nevertheless it is excellent.
46 of 47 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Get This Book!,
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)I urge anyone in an abusive relationship to read this book. I am in the process of rebuilding my life and reading this has strenghthened my resolve. It is easy to read and impossible to put down. I read it in two days and am about to read it again. I feel Lundy has remarkable insight into the minds and mechanics of an abuser which he imparts in no-nonsense dialogue. Time and time again I have tried to repair my relationship to no avail, with the help of this book I am stronger than ever and not prepared to put myself through any more turmoil. You will not fail to recognise your abusive partner and their traits and tactics and recognising is the first step to freedom and recovery. Make this your first choice!
43 of 44 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book gave me the courage I needed. BUY IT,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 9 months when I saw this book and bought it for the following reasons:
My boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends to the point where i was sneaking out of work in my lunch hour to meet them in secret. I had to do this because if I told him I was meeting them he would say bad things about them and cause an unbearable atmosphere. Meeting them after work was not an option because he insisted on picking me up from work every single day (come rain or shine) - I only live a short 10 minute walk from work......
I have very little family anyway, making me a really vulnerable target ...
I was criticized for talking to my friends on the telephone. I had my home line disconnected and only used my mobile phone. Then i was criticized for using this. I kept it switched off most of the time just to stop him from having a go at me for incoming calls and text messages. (But he kept his mobile on 24/7).
He liked to make sure I was at home (whilst he went to the pub and clubs). In his mind I was safe at home and wasnt going to go off with any one else. He knew exactly where I was leaving him free to enjoy nights out.
The verbal abuse was much worse when he was drunk or stoned.
He would ignore me for several hours at a time and then suddenly start calling me 'love' and asking me what was wrong!
He made nasty comments about my figure, hair, personality, saying i have no sense of humour, telling me to 'lighten up' . Always complimenting other women in front of me and making a big show when greeting attractive women he knew. If i so much as mentioned another man he flew into a rage.
There would be periods of utter conflict and then suddenly he would be the most wonderful man in the world.
He would tell me to "shut the fu*k up" just for asking him if he wanted to turn the TV over.
The countless breakups and reunions with this man broke my heart to pieces. I never thought I would have the courage to leave. Every time i tried to leave he got back under my skin, promising to change, but never really admitting he was wrong.
He often confused me in arguments. Saying I had said things that I hadnt said etc.
I ended up thinking I was going crazy and that he wasnt really that bad. The above is just a brief, undetailed summary of the full catalogue of horrible events that happened to me whilst i was with him.
When this book arrived I hid it from him and started to read it. Many things jumped out at me and i began to see him, not so much of a boyfriend, but as an ABUSER. Keep that word in mind.
I kept referring to the book to give me the strength I needed and thankfully I got away.
For a few days after leaving him I put notes up around my home to remind me of all of the bad things he was to me "possessive" etc and i put a note on my bathroom mirror saying "i want my life back".
To any one in an abusive relationship, please be careful. Buy this book if you can. Try to leave and if at first you dont succeed, keep trying and read the section on Traumatic Bonding.
You will get there in the end.
There is a life of peace waiting for you.
64 of 66 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars NOW I KNOW WHY HE DID THAT,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)My mum died in march, 12 hours later my husband walked out leaving me alone with our 4 children aged under 8 ( my dad died a few years ago) -of course it was my fault he left and when i ask him to explain his actions i get the reply "well if you don't know i'm not telling you! i really didn't know which way to turn - having time to think i began to realise that this wasn't the first time he had withdrew emotional support from me . late one friday evening i was looking on amazon for a new book and somehow came across this one - i read the reviews - ordered it and then camoflaged it inside the sleeve of a sophie kinsella book! it just meant that i could read it without the amy of the children seeing what i was reading. Well what i shock i was in for - my god - i now realise exactly what i have been experiencing over the past 10 years. the times i have been left reeling by accusations, orders, put downs etc etc . It is easy to read but hard going - i have cried all the way through it - the realisation of how i have been manipulated and had my confidence shot at.
I am still grieving for my mum but i am getting stronger, i don't know what will come of our marriage - hes still living at his mums ( he wants to know if i am jealous of this!) but what i do know is that i am better than him - i do not use abuse and aggression to make my point. Lundy has made me realise i am not to blame it is not my shame .....
17 of 17 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Eye opening for an abuser too!,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)My (ex??) Girlfriend recommended this book to me a couple of weeks ago, and all i can say is recommended it to the abusive person in your life after you have read it, and it will open their eyes, i know you dont owe them anything though. If they dont read it or say its rubbish, you know they wont and dont want to change.
I always knew i had some kind of controlling side to me, but by God this book just shows you how many traits you can actually have, and you dont realise the damage you can do. It makes your problems come to light and makes you realise just what you have done to that person that you love. Empathy and compassion that i always thought i had, i never had an ounce of.
It also teaches you there isnt an easy fix, that friends and family who think they are helping actually arent, abusers allies, so to speak...
ive bought more books along these lines, but this is the book that really has opened my eyes, ive booked myself on courses to understand why i do it more, and hopefully remap my thinking, instead of putting my own feelings and emotions first!
I know it wasnt specifically written for me, but it has made me understand so much more about the damage i can do with a vicious word, look or sarcastic sigh.
If you've been abused, read it and grow stronger, the book keeps you so focused, if your an abuser, read it and learn about yourself and what your actions have done to the loved ones around you, take responsibility for them, and pray to God you wont go to hell!
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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (Paperback - 1 Sep 2003)