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Wayne Redhart "@wayneredhart on Twitter!" (West Midlands, UK)

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Parma Scarf
Parma Scarf
Offered by Soccermall
Price: 7.99

5.0 out of 5 stars A cracking scarf, 14 April 2013
This review is from: Parma Scarf (Misc.)
To the average man on the street, Parma will always be associated with exports of ham, violets and Parmesan cheese. However, as this item shows, they also do scarves. Since Doreen heard that I was going on a business trip to Parma, she was constantly dropping hints about what a big fan she is of clothes by Italian designers (her favourites being Giorgio Armani and Gianni Versace) and how much she likes neck-wear. Well, I didn't want to let her down, so along with the Parma ham, Parma violets and Parmesan cheese that I picked up for souvenirs, I bought one of these for her Birthday when I was at the football ground. I'm not certain who the designer was in this case, but I'm sure it won't disappoint her craving for an Italian scarf. If it does then it's just "hard cheese" for her (and ham and violets)!

Dick Barton and the Paris Adventure
Dick Barton and the Paris Adventure
by Edward J Mason
Edition: Audio CD
Price: 15.68

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Rip-roaringly jolly good stuff!!!, 11 April 2013
This is a cracking piece of old-fashioned radio. However, if anything, the poor sound quality of the 40s recording serves to add something extra to that 'vintage' atmosphere and I soon adjusted to those background hisses and clicks (yes, I really did do a lame pun on the word "cracking", but I'm sure you'll get over it). If you're familiar with the many parodies of broadcasting from this era (particularly those by the likes of Harold Enfield and Paul Whitehouse) and have yet to accustom yourself to the real deal, you may initially have a hard time taking the period style of acting seriously. Myself, however, I can say that I've been a fan of early British broadcasting for some years. I settled into it with the very same nonchalant ease with which an accomplished pervert might slip effortlessly inside a rubber glove stuffed full of lard. On the evening that I sat down to listen on the old wireless (well, through my old wireless Sennheiser Bluetooth headset- with patented ambient noise-cancellation technology), I had what can only be described as a really rather lovely time. A really rather lovely time indeed, even. As the sounds washed over me, I lay there spread-eagled across the chaise lounge with ever pricked ears, a chalice of sherry in one hand and my great grandfather's snuff box in the other. One could almost imagine the distant explosions of battle, as the valiant Spitfires of our boys in blue put up a firm show against the Bosch's Panzers, high up above the war-stained streets of olde Yorkshire. If you have the capacity to extend the concept of "retro" a couple of years further back than lava lamps, teletext or mullets (the haircut, that is- there's no call to go harking back to an era prior to the evolution of the species of fish) you'll doubtless find much to enjoy here.

PS. If you're interested in learning more about the background of this story, I'd advise you not to attempt it by googling the words "Paris and Dick", as I did. Well, come to think of, I could not truthfully express even the smallest iota of regret about having done so, but it did lead me somewhat astray on a "niche" website for a good fifteen minutes...

No Title Available

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A great jigsaw, 9 April 2013
= Durability:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:5.0 out of 5 stars 
If you only buy one photo jigsaw puzzle of an African gentlemen with a small white penis strapped around his forehead this year, this is definitely the one to get. Well, either that or this one. Actually, come to think of it, there's not a whole lot in it between the two, so you might as well go ahead and come to an original decision of your own making. Who am I to tell you whether apples or oranges are the best? Alternatively, why not push the boat out and get one of each? Of late, a popular meme seems to have evolved- of taking a humorously precise categorisation of a product group and implying an unwritten purchase limit of but one item from within that group, over the duration of a calendar year. Even if you're hellbent on complying with this contemporary trend, why not simply sit patiently for now and then order the other one on January 1st 2014? When it boils down to it, is possession of just one jigsaw of an African gentleman with a small white penis strapped around his forehead really going to keep you fulfilled- when you know full well that you're merely a few clicks away from ownership of a complementary pair?

PS. Perhaps there are a few eyebrows being raised up, among the "political correctness" brigade? If so, consider this: a few years ago I attended my Jamaican friend Benton's stag night. We all had a tremendous laugh that night- which owed a great deal to an idea that my brother Conrad (his best man) had come up with, shortly after watching a Jim Davidson DVD. Yes- that's right! We spent the whole evening decked out in hats that had gigantic black latex penises attached to them- and I hardly think that's in any way "racist", now! Perhaps the behaviour of this African gentleman with a small white penis strapped around his forehead doesn't look quite so appallingly bigoted to you PC types, any more, when viewed from that new vantage point?

Dark Chocolate Raspberry Body Paint-Romantic Gift
Dark Chocolate Raspberry Body Paint-Romantic Gift

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Delightful!, 8 April 2013
I picked up a bottle of this saucy bedroom lotion last year, as a Christmas present for my wife Doreen. As it turns out, she prefers not to combine sweet flavours with those of a savoury nature, although it hasn't gone to waste. Every Sunday afternoon the whole Redhart family tucks into a pot of Wall's "Carte d'Or"- topped with a couple of sprays of this delicious chocolate/raspberry sauce!

LEGO Heavy Weapons: Build Working Replicas of Four of the World's Most Impressive Guns
LEGO Heavy Weapons: Build Working Replicas of Four of the World's Most Impressive Guns
by Jack Streat
Edition: Paperback
Price: 15.99

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars "Working" replicas?, 8 April 2013
While this is a great introduction to the art of building replica weapons out of Lego, the results were somewhat disappointing. Although the plastic materials are extremely useful for bypassing metal detection devices, the ballistic results leave a good deal to be desired. The scope has a woefully poor range of vision and the line of fire suffers from a margin of error that extends as many as a couple degrees off centre. And I didn't even use shoddy second-hand bricks, but paid a premium rate for some brand new pressings from a fully certified Lego vendor. While these are great for a laugh, I've learned from my mistake. Next time I find myself crouched beside an east-facing window within Spanderberg's Tower (expecting to take down Prince Evgeny of Valka as he enters the Latvian Embassy, via a single shot to the temple) I'll be packing a professionally built bolt-action Lee Enfield sniper rifle- not a "working replica" that I clubbed together out of Lego bricks!

No Title Available

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A great jigsaw, 8 April 2013
= Durability:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:5.0 out of 5 stars 
This is a great jigsaw with phalluses all over it. If you're looking for a jigsaw with phalluses all over it, I'd heartily recommend it- firstly on the basis that it's a jigsaw and secondly on an additional basis that it has phalluses all over it.

(Sure, I didn't bother to introduce any wit into my review- but who needs wit, when you're commenting on a jigsaw with phalluses all over it? Are you trying to tell me that a jigsaw with phalluses all over it isn't already funny enough, in its own right?)

Star Cutouts Cut Out of Cow
Star Cutouts Cut Out of Cow
Price: 29.68

7 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent likeness, but not terribly generous with the milk, 8 April 2013
= Durability:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:5.0 out of 5 stars 
This review is from: Star Cutouts Cut Out of Cow (Toy)
Well, seeing as I've already reviewed the David Camerons Cardboard Cutout and the Gordon Browns Cardboard Cutout, I thought I might as well press on with another former PM. Yes, that's right! I'm doing more some more witty "political satire"! Hahahaha! On this occasion, I shall be creating humour by pretending to have mistaken a cardboard cutout of a cow for a cutout of Margaret Thatchers. What makes it especially clever is the fact that she only died today! She isn't even *in* a grave yet, never mind cold in one! Under normal circumstances, responding to the death of a frail elderly lady by comparing her to a cow might seem like a horrifically inhumane act but it's okay here. After all- I'm doing "political satire", remember, which makes it all perfectly okay! Haha!

Anyway, it's exceedingly clever to be comparing her to a cow, even if it's also deeply unpleasant and callous. After all, this cardboard cutout is of an animal that is associated with providing milk. However, being a mere piece of cardboard (that possesses no functionally active mammary capabilities) it leaves anyone who likes milk empty-handed. Likewise, Margaret Thatchers went around the schools stealing milk from the tiny hands of innocent, impoverished children. So she's a bit like a cardboard cow- because neither of them were generous with milk! Hahahaha! It's satire, you see!
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Apr 16, 2013 8:46 AM BST

Gordon Brown Lifesize Cardboard Cutout Standee
Gordon Brown Lifesize Cardboard Cutout Standee
Offered by Partyrama
Price: 29.99

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars A poor guard dog, 8 April 2013
While this is a lovely cutout of former Chancellor of the Exchequer Sir Gordon Browns, it must be said that it's not good at doing everything- particularly not tasks that would be better suited to living beings. Only the other day we withdrew the entirety of our savings money from out of the bank and decided to leave it spread all about on the lounge carpet. Just as we were about to go out, suddenly each and every one of the locks fell off of our doors and windows. That didn't make any difference though, because we urgently needed to go away somewhere else- even if that meant having to leave the front door wide open (and with a clear line of sight to the big pile of money in the lounge). Yes, we were in a hurry and stuff, so we just left. We abandoned our home, despite having put no security measures in place other than an inanimate piece of cardboard- as if that would somehow offer the slightest protection to the heap of money that I said we'd strewn all over the floor, even though there's no obvious reason why anyone would do that with their life savings.

(If you're starting to get annoyed with me at this point, because I didn't put enough effort into creating a believable scenario, then "Up yours!!!" I say! I'm sure that you know as well as I do that this is merely a fictionalised build-up to an absolutely hilarious piece of what I like to call "political satire", the same as what everyone has been doing on the David Camerons Lifesize Cardboard Cutout Standee. Are you telling me that you seriously thought that the people who reviewed the likeness of David Camerons have truthfully got one standing in their window/garden/bedroom? Well they haven't, you fool! They were lying, to set up a joke about his politics/to call him a dick! Why should it matter whether the setup is a bit half-arsed or not- as long as there's a wickedly funny punchline to follow straight after? Why should I waste my valuable time on making it seem credible, when everyone already knows that I'm only making it all up?)

So, anyway, there I was walking out of the house for some reason, after having left my life savings strewn about the carpet. No, I didn't explain why. Just take my word for it that I did. That's the bit that matters, within this joke, not what specific rationale had been the driving force behind my internal motivations and decision-making processes. As I said, the doors were wide open and the locks had all fallen off, and I'd decided to entrust my life savings to the watchful eye of an inanimate cardboard cutout of Gordon Browns, that also happens to serve here as a devious allegory for the actual and real-life Gordon Browns. Oh and note that I said "watchful eye" by the way- not the "watchful eyes". That's very witty and very cleverly politically satirical, because apparently Gordon Browns has only got one eye, not two. The same joke wouldn't be either funny or clever if it had been about Columbo, because he's only a one-eyed detective. Gordon Browns is a one-eyed politician what does one-eyed politics for the Labour party, so it's both funny and clever here. Anyway, would the lifeless effigy manage to keep the same acutely "watchful eye" upon my money that the real Gordon Browns had managed to maintain over Britain's financial reserves?

(That's the set up done, so I'm about to hit you with the really clever punchline. To give you a heads-up, assuming that you've never heard anything whatsoever about the recession that struck Britain after Gordon Browns had been in charge of our financial money, you'll probably be getting the impression that an immobile, incognisant visual likeness of Gordon Browns will have done a good job and that I therefore must hold the opinion that Gordon Browns himself did a good job at looking after Britain's economy. This is the massively clever bit, though, where it turns out how profoundly satirical I'm actually being. With the punchline, what you'll discover is that I'd really been using the advanced comedy technique of building up a comfortable sense of expectation and assurance of a specific outcome. Yeah. I've been Derren Browning you- exerting tight control over where your mind has been going, via my selection of language. What I'm going to do now is to pull back, turn the whole thing on its head and provide a shockingly alternative conclusion that you could never possibly have anticipated- no, not even a little bit- which will demonstrate a poor performance by the printed wood pulp and, by logical extension, a savage level of disdain for the performance of Gordon Browns as chancellor. Beneath the hysterical laughter that will inevitably come out of the inside of your mouth, there's also a serious message. "Did he perform his job with any real competence?" is the rhetorical question that you will be forced into asking of yourself.)

So, anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, later that day I got back home and found that all of my money had been stolen!!!!!!!!


What's that? You want another? Okay, here you go. Here's a bit more ingenious humour about Gordon Browns' poor economic performance:

A wealthy foreign businessman walks into a branch of Zavvi, brandishing an enormous wodge of banknotes. After scouring the singles section with no apparent luck, he goes up to the customer service desk- where he finds Gordon Browns (the real one now- I've dropped any pretence that this is about the product on sale, rather than an excuse to do some very sharply incisive humour about the living version of Gordon Browns) on duty behind the counter.

"I've thoroughly checked the stands but I can't find any copies of the no. 2 charting Spandau Ballet single of 1983, that I am currently seeking." exclaims the esteemed entrepeneur. "Are any there any reserve copies being held in storage around the back?" he enquires. "I'd be willing to pay an exceedingly handsome sum for each and every one that you can provide me with."

"I'm afraid that I can't help you, sir." mumbles Gordon Brown. "A few years ago we held a massive bargain basement sale in which we cleared out all of our 'Gold' reserves for a pittance. Are you a fan of boy bands? We have 'Busted'."


Pop Up Business For Dummies
Pop Up Business For Dummies
by Dan Thompson
Edition: Paperback
Price: 9.09

5.0 out of 5 stars A useful guide, 7 April 2013
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
To be perfectly honest with you, I have to admit that I had completely misconstrued the nature of this book, when ordering it. My idiot son Horace has been planning on setting up a business ever since he interpreted receipt of an E grade for his GCSE business as being a vocational calling. Frankly, I had rather assumed that this would be pretty suitable at his level. However, far from being the anticipated type of book through which Sir Fred Goodwin seemingly acquired his financial acumen (ie. with shiny cardboard cutouts of money bags, IOU slips and champagne bottles protruding out from within the pages) it turned out that this is a regular book about something called a "pop up business" (as opposed to a pop up book called "Business for Dummies"). This expression basically refers to a short-term scheme that typically lasts for as little as a few months, or even a couple of days. However, the definition wouldn't strictly include my brother Conrad's infamously short-lived ventures (which have included opening a "Smoothie Bar" in the middle of a derelict Rotherham council estate, and attempting to establish a thriving "Jellybean Emporium" within a small Welsh farming village). The whole idea of a pop up business is that you *intend* to be shutting up shop early on- not that you are left with no viable option other than to file for bankruptcy during the second week of a twelve month lease. In short, picture the shops that turn up every Christmas- selling cheap wrapping paper and fairy lights as well as an array of penis-themed novelty tat (eg. novelty penis pasta shapes, novelty penis slippers and novelty penis candles).

However, besides targeting those who would sooner blow a banknote on a hilarious apron than put any care into their Christmas shopping, there are alternative paths available. As the author says: open air food festivals are an excellent place to set yourself up in a van for just a day or two. Without the pressure of needing to attract repeat customers, you can be onto a real winner. Say if that job lot of chicken breasts is not necessarily quite as fresh as it had definitely used to be when you acquired it (a couple of weeks ago), it's simply a matter of being poised to release the handbrake at the very first glimpse of vomiting- before speeding off and flogging the rest in the next unsuspecting town/lay by.

Anyway, based on the author's excellent advice, I decided to chance my arm. After a little research, I uncovered a significant gap in the pop up business market- for pop up goods. Among others, I've been successfully selling copies of this very book, Pop Up Toasters, Pop Up Pirate, Hello Kitty Pop-Up Room Tidies, and the song "Pop Up" . And (seeing as I've now gone on for quite so long without stooping to the all too predictable allusion to erections) my services as a male escort.

APRIL FOOL'S DAY Origins, Classic Hoaxes, Modern Pranks and other Tomfoolery, some of which went Terribly Wrong!
APRIL FOOL'S DAY Origins, Classic Hoaxes, Modern Pranks and other Tomfoolery, some of which went Terribly Wrong!
Price: 2.02

5.0 out of 5 stars An entertaining look at a load of gullible plonkers, 1 April 2013
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This is a rather entertaining read, that features a wealth of ideas for any jokers out there. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that anyone was dumb enough to fall for some of these, but you should never underestimate the sheer stupidity of man. You'd have to get out of bed pretty damned early to catch me out, however, following my escapades as a student. Things got highly competitive in our house and some of the jokes got a little extreme. Still, I had the last laugh in our final year together- when I secretly chloroformed my unsuspecting housemates, causing them to oversleep! One of them even got fired from his job, for arriving there in a dopey haze- some five hours late! Anyway, if you're still a novice at this game, you'll find plenty of entertainingly malicious ideas here.

PS. Everyone's been trying to convince me that all of the shops are "closed" today, on a Monday. Yeah, sure they are! What kind of silly William do people take me for? Do they think I can't read the date or something? I know they've had some stupid holidays recently (for no better reasons than the fact that Prince Billy needed the whole country to know that he's officially having sex, and because it became a round number of years since the queen got given a hat). However, that doesn't mean that they'll now be flinging Michael Mouse bank holidays around at the likes of April fools day, Valentine's day or May day etc. Anyway, never mind those silly amateurish pranksters. I'm just off to the doctor's surgery to arrange an appointment, after which I'll be going to the post office to send a parcel and heading down the bank to deposit some cheques. Later this evening you'll find me doing my shopping in the twenty four hour Tesco. Nobody's going to be making me look like a proper daft idiot today!

PS. I was only joking, by the way. This book's pathetically and short and contains a complete load of amateurish crap!

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