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Wayne Redhart "@wayneredhart on Twitter!" (West Midlands, UK)
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Dettol Mould and Mildew Remover Spray 750 ml (Pack of 3)
Dettol Mould and Mildew Remover Spray 750 ml (Pack of 3)
Price: £10.47

0 of 1 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Lacklustre, 23 Feb. 2015
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
Firstly, I'd just like to say that Amazon have stiffed me, as usual, by only sending a single bottle to review, in place of the advertised three. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the stuff doesn't even work as advertised. I left it on the black spots on our sink for in advance of the five minutes alloted, but not only did it fail to disappear without scrubbing but it also failed to disappear with scrubbing. Far from leaving the surface as white as a UKIP rally held in Lapland, it was a positive triumph for multiculturalism. It probably did more good than harm, but you certainly can't expect miracles. I neither saw the likeness of Christ within the bubbles, nor any especially notable improvement to my sink.


Revlon ColorBurst Balm Stain - 2.7 g, Honey
Revlon ColorBurst Balm Stain - 2.7 g, Honey
Price: £5.67

0 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Good for the keeping the lips soft, 20 Feb. 2015
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
"Retractable chubby crayon, no sharpener required". Funnily enough, I had already posted an advert on a local swingers website, with the exact same tagline. My own "chubby crayon" also happens to be of identical length and girth, with a similarly shaded pink shaft, coupled with the slightly darker tip. The description also says that "100% of women felt lips were moisturized with a soft stain of colour"- although I'd rather keep this within the confines of pleasant-natured vulgarity, rather than branch out into outright gutter-level filth. Anyway, my wife Doreen looks pretty good with this on, although I still favour the illuminous green lipstick that I bought her for Christmas. I'm just a little baffled by whoever decided that this is "honey" colour. Either they've never seen the substance in their life, or there must be some spectacularly camp bees at work, around their neck of the woods.


Revell Multicopter Hexatron
Revell Multicopter Hexatron
Offered by Buy-For-Less-Online
Price: £83.47

3.0 out of 5 stars Pretty cool but limited, 5 Feb. 2015
This review is from: Revell Multicopter Hexatron (Toy)
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
Designed by the same fellow who was responsible for those pentagonal devices for holding men's pound coins, this is a highly ingenious design of helicopter. Thanks to the addition of one extra circle and a series of rotors, rather than merely keep coins organised within the pocket, the result of the underlying mechanics here is to produce unmanned flight. Thanks to an impressive frequency of 2.4ghz, the device is literally capable of levitation. I was actually rather concerned to note that my own PC runs at a good 2.2ghz, although I've made a mental note never to upgrade to a faster model- lest it float up towards the ceiling and become trapped, out of reach.

A lot of other reviewers have been complaining about the poor battery life and long charging time- and they do have a fair point. However, I'm quite sure my wife would be more than pleased if my chopper could offer as many five minutes of continuous performance at any of three optional speed settings. Especially if I were able to top back up with juice within mere hours, rather than after many days devoted to recharging. Anyway, I was going to end both the analogy and the review there, but seeing as this product is suitable for ages 8 and up, I'd just like to clarify that mine is strictly off limits to anyone beneath the age of sixteen.


Hoont Plug-in Electronic Total Pest Eliminator with LED Night Light - Eradicates All Types of Pest Infestation; Insects and Rodents (Works for Rats, Mice, Ants, Roaches, Spiders, Bugs, Fleas, Bats and much More)/ Robust Patented Mix of Waves and Ultrasonic Pest Repelling Technology / Environmentally Friendly and Safe Pest Control - Safe for Humans, Home Pets and Plants / 100% Maintenance Free - Just plug-in and Enjoy Being Pest Free! [100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEE - GUARANTEED EFFECTIVE!]
Hoont Plug-in Electronic Total Pest Eliminator with LED Night Light - Eradicates All Types of Pest Infestation; Insects and Rodents (Works for Rats, Mice, Ants, Roaches, Spiders, Bugs, Fleas, Bats and much More)/ Robust Patented Mix of Waves and Ultrasonic Pest Repelling Technology / Environmentally Friendly and Safe Pest Control - Safe for Humans, Home Pets and Plants / 100% Maintenance Free - Just plug-in and Enjoy Being Pest Free! [100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEE - GUARANTEED EFFECTIVE!]
Offered by Hoont
Price: £49.95

0 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A good pest control thingy, 21 Jan. 2015
Firstly, I have to declare that I was sent this item free of charge in return for an honest review. Well, maybe not 100% honest. Why break the habit of quite such a prestigious reviewing career? I'll aim for about 90% honesty. Tell you what, I'll even make a physically binding promise that not a single percentage point beyond a solitary percentile of this review will constitute utter pig swill, that I concocted off the top of my head and then plucked right out of my porcine arse.

Anyway, unfortunately I got this a little too late to test it properly. Only a couple of weeks earlier I actually had a rat infestation in the kitchen. However, a bloke came around and put down some weird lumps of blue poison (resembling urinal cakes) and sealed up the gaping hole in our bathroom wall. I'm not altogether sure whether they simply left (like rats leaving a sinking ship) or if they stayed (like a captain going down with his ship). Right now, the only thing we can be sure of is that, whichever comparison best represents objective reality, the Redhart family home was most definitely analogous to a maritime transit vehicle that took on water at a troubling rate. Whether the rats were brave captain-rats (that went down in my kitchen, as readily as my wife Doreen likes to) or cowardly rat-rats that employed a backdoor exit based strategy (a strategy that I tend to employ in there myself, after I've cornered her against the kitchen table), it's anybody's guess.

Anyway, with no rats left in the place to start with, I can't fully comment on the efficacy of the product. However, with a marvellous selection of lights, I can only presume that it's doing a fantastic job. The different colours all flash on and off, which probably shows that all of the basic functions are working on all cylinders. So far, I've not seen rats, mice, bats, locusts, tarantulas, baboons, snakes, lizards, sharks or jellyfish. Not even one. Admittedly, that's perhaps not the most scientific data, but I've had a plan for some more specific testing. Taking my responsibilities seriously, I'm planning on buying a hamster tomorrow and leaving its cage beside the device.


Hispa Composed by Garnacha Blanca Macabeo 2012 Wine 75 cl (Case of 3)
Hispa Composed by Garnacha Blanca Macabeo 2012 Wine 75 cl (Case of 3)
Price: £38.78

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars A decent bottle, 12 Jan. 2015
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
I'm no expert on wine, but I'm certainly not adverse to the concept of using the stuff upon myself. Although I usually swig straight out of the bottle, on this occasion I thought I'd take things seriously, by pouring it into a glass and consuming it alongside an appropriate meal. To be honest, I'd already glugged a bottle of red before getting started, although I was sure to cleanse my palate first with a few shots of vodka- the "sorbet" of alcoholic beverages. The wine was notably infused by a subtle taste of arbitrary metaphors, although the prevailing flavour was quite distinctly that of fermented grapes. According to the makers, the product is best served with poultry or fish. Sure enough, it went very nicely with both the crab flavoured fish sticks that I served as an entree and the chicken and mushroom pot noodle for main course. I spat the first few mouthfuls into the bin, but only because that's what the experts say to do. To be honest, I'm not all that convinced that they know as much as they think, anyway. It's all very easy to claim to be able to perceive the difference between two different wines, but it's not so easy unless you get to actually look at them first. To this day, I'm still not convinced that a blindfolded "expert" could genuinely perform the task of distinguishing between a glass of red and a glass of white by taste alone, were they forced to attempt the feat blindfolded. Anyway, after going on to drink the rest and realising that there was no other alcohol left in the house, I started to regret my decision. So I drank the slops out of the bottom of the bin. Unfortunately some had been absorbed by a used tissue, although I simply consumed that particular hurdle- in order to avoid senseless waste.

I think that's a pretty fair testament to the wine's drinkability, although I wouldn't personally have paid the asking price. In my opinion, a bottle of wine at this price should have a far more ornate label, in order to justify the expense. Once you go beyond the ten pound mark, I'd really be expecting that kind of slightly ruffled paper that looks a little like ancient parchment, with the maker's name written in Gothic style calligraphy. Ideally, they'd have also put a stamped wax seal upon it. Oh, and some of that nice gold string around the bottle wouldn't have gone amiss either. Without such incentives, I'd find it hard to trust that a ten pound bottle offers true value for money.


Philips SW700M/05 Multiroom Speaker with Spotify Connect
Philips SW700M/05 Multiroom Speaker with Spotify Connect
Price: £83.79

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Reasonable sound coupled with a disgraceful lack of input options, 7 Jan. 2015
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
As plenty of other reviewers have said, this box is nothing but a great big lime unless you have a premium Spotify account. Yes, just as with packaged bank accounts and niche adult websites, the term "premium account" basically entails having to cough up a tenner per month. With no other input options going, it's rather like those popular TVs that you get these days which have no HDMI inputs and can offer a Netflix app, yet no other means to access content. What? They don't exist you say? Actually, come to think of it, it does sound like a pretty dumb idea, now that you mention it- just like this stupid box!

Now, if you already use Spotify premium, you might think it doesn't matter whether there are alternatives. Well, don't be so sure. What would happen if they suddenly put their price up to one billion pounds per month? Well, in order to avoid being left with a useless lump of junk that you'd wasted a hundred pounds on, you'd be left having to pay that billion pounds per month. That's what would happen. Also, not all music is available on Spotify- so the limitations of the device mean that you simply have no means of hearing everything you might potentially wish to be able to play. That said, albums by both Gary Glitter and The Lost Prophets are still freely available on Spotify- which does offer some peace of mind to anyone who has those niggling doubts about the conduct of their favourite artists (yet would wish to continue listening to them, were the Crown to secure a conviction). In fact, now I've said that, there are probably people reading this review right now who have already set about both cancelling their account and contacting the Daily Mail, about how Spotify's artist roster is tainted by the presence of unlawful sex-mongers. They can count themselves lucky that they heard it from me now, and not after they'd already bought themselves a piece of kit that could offer no alternative uses during such a self-important boycott. So, with that in mind, Ian Watkins fans would probably be advised not to make a purchase either, come to think of it. In the event that Spotify should later give in to the pressure of the baying mob that I've unwittingly unleashed, you'll no longer have any means to play your favourite tracks.

My own stance on the matter is that we should leave the music up and let people make their own choices. Even if I did decide to place Jonathan King songs on a permanent 24 hour loop for a year, I for one would sleep perfectly soundly at night. Aside from the vital fact that I don't keep the speaker within earshot of my bedroom, Spotify pay a truly dreadful rate to the artists- meaning that the dirty old nonce would be lucky to see more than a penny from the deal, if even that much! If anything, I'd be far more concerned by the possibility that a paedophile could be lurking among shareholders within the local electricity board. If so, that man (statistically a 99 percent favourite over the possibility of a female outsider) would be set to rake a significantly more substantial dividend out of any energy consumption associated with the ongoing broadcast, compared to the corresponding royalty cheque that would arrive in King's letterbox. Come to think of it, even something as seemingly innocuous as trimming my nose hair, whilst enjoying a foot spa, could potentially be lining nefarious pockets. At the end of the day, it would be crazy to place your dental health in jeopardy by failing to keep your toothbrush charged up, but the least we can do in the fight against paedophiles is to remember to switch the lights out at night. As I told young Crispin "With quite so many paedophiles at large, these days, you can damned well unplug that nightlight!" If anything, he seemed to become all the more troubled by the thought of lying in pitch darkness- after he asked what "paedophile" means, and I was forced to explain it to him. Don't worry though, it was all fine in the end! I confiscated all light sources, closed the blinds and told him to shut up and go to sleep.

In actuality, I don't typically play a whole lot of music by convicted sex offenders, be it on a perpetual loop or merely on a singular track by track basis. However, I do feel rather strongly that we ought to bring in an amnesty (beginning at the stroke of midnight that transitions between November 31st/December 1st and ending with the 12th night of Christmas), albeit solely for Christmas-themed songs. I suppose, in short, what I'm really saying here is basically that "Another Rock and Roll Christmas" is an absolutely cracking song and there surely must be some kind of moral loop-hole via which we can preserve a place for it within the festive canon? After all, it is the season of good will. Oh, and for any meddling old biddies who think that's a morally reprehensible idea, let's just wait and see if you change your tune when Sir Clifford finally ends up jailed behind bars! Even if it can only save "Mistletoe and Wine" I'd wager that the lot of you will be out on every British Street, trying to get signatories for a petition to have my idea ratified into British Law, by an official act of Parliament.

Anyway, digressions aside, I suppose that what I was meant to be doing here was reviewing the item's performance? Well, they only sent me the one so I'm afraid that I have absolutely no idea how well it syncs up to multiple rooms. I can only offer my sincerest apologies if you read through all the stuff about paedophiles, due to the baffling misapprehension that I might eventually go on to provide any useful insights into the matter. However, I did manage to uncover a little "hack" by which you can serve two rooms at once. The trick is to set it up in an open doorway, thus killing (ie. providing perfectly synchronous audio to) two birds (ie. two rooms) with one stone (ie. a Phillips SW700M/05 Multiroom Speaker with Spotify Connect). There's also an even better hack where you can get unlimited 30 day free trials with the same email address, btw, but even with that option the thing still annoys the hell out of me, as a matter of principle. What about those people who like listening to adverts between songs and hearing such bizarrely chosen "recommended songs" as you're expected to endure from a regular account? Where are they catered for?

So, in summary, whoever came up with the idea of failing to include any alternative inputs was guilty of a schoolgirl error that massively compromises the product (Nb. This is much like a "schoolboy error", except it displays such a gross level of naivety that, thanks to the game changing presence of an all important "Y" chromosome, it could never have been committed by a male child- not even one of primary school age, clad in a hat with a propeller on top).
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Feb 8, 2015 6:43 PM GMT


Microfibre Towel for Travel, Beach, Bath, Gym, Camping - XL Extra Large but Compact, Antibacterial and Quick Dry with small Carry Pouch (Lavender, 60 x 30 Inches)
Microfibre Towel for Travel, Beach, Bath, Gym, Camping - XL Extra Large but Compact, Antibacterial and Quick Dry with small Carry Pouch (Lavender, 60 x 30 Inches)
Offered by Grabbits
Price: £20.00

2 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars A suprisingly good towel, but maybe not so good for the winter, 30 Dec. 2014
Firstly, I should declare that I was sent this towel free of charge (including postage) in return for a review. It's just like the olden days, before money was discovered. If you were a farmer, say, and you needed a loaf of bread or an arrow, instead of stealing one you'd simply offer beetroots to a merchant until either a mutually satisfactory deal had been struck, or they'd told you to f#@k off and stop wasting their time. You didn't have to fool about with going on the internet first, in order to check on the current exchange rate between turnips and coconuts. These days it's not always so easy to find ways of doing business without cash changing hands (although my highly industrious daughter Dawn assures me that she hasn't had to put a penny towards a taxi fare in over a year).

Anyway, flimsy as it might seem (at around the same thickness as a pair of summer underpants) this is a surprisingly fine towel. It uses "microfibre" technology, which is rather similar to the type of technology involved in a microwave/microscope/microchip, although the underlying scientific principle has been extrapolated here- in order to apply it not to waves/scopes/chips, but instead to fibres. Yes, just like a severely autistic child who was taken against his will to a Millennium new year's eve party, the concept behind towelling has finally been dragged, kicking and screaming, into the twenty first century.

As I understand it, the item boasts an absorbency factor of no less than 10.3 cubic Halzenbergs per square inch (with a range of error of +/- 5%, if we allow for Leuvenbrenner's divergency index ratios) compared to the measly 4 associated with a regular towel. To put that into context, you could almost completely clear away the aftermath of a serious road traffic accident with one of these babies, before having to whip out a power-hose to finish up. However, the feel of the material is rather similar to that of a fleece dressing gown that I own- which was a matter of really rather grave concern, at first. That dressing gown is not remotely absorbent and upon getting out of the bath it simply locks the water out- allowing it to continue stealing thermal heat (in the form of warmth) from directly inside your skin. Although that particular crime against all things decent remains unprosecuted to this day, this towel shows no such mercy towards acts of larcency that are committed by water. In no time at all, fluids are absorbed (as effortlessly as water off a duck's back) and locked away within the core of the towel for good, without any hope of recourse to a judicial hearing. I can only speculate about where all the water goes, but I suspect it has something to do with quantum physics and string theory- as the towel becomes dry again remarkably fast, even when stored in the fridge.

The only problem with futuristic towelling is that it doesn't have quite the same feelings of warmth and reassurance as a cotton towel, when getting out the shower on a winter's day. Thanks to what has doubtless been the coldest winter since records began, lately it has been as cold and bitter as a can of John Smith's that is being kept in the freezer, in explicit contravention of the manufacturer's storage recommendations. Now, this towel does perform its primary job extremely well. But on a chilly day, what kind of naked female torso would you prefer to be enveloped by? Would you pick a slightly plump yet busty starlet of the 1970s? Or the scrawny emaciated figure of some supermodel? On a cold morning, I'd disappear inside the welcoming embrace of Diana Dors/a 100% cotton towel, any day, rather than accept something with a lot less body. Sure, I'd roger Kate Moss/a microfibre towel senseless on a balmy summer afternoon, but neither would be your first choice for comfort during an arctic freeze. EDIT- hang on, I think I might have stretched the analogy past breaking point at the end, but you get the idea.

PS. At the time I was offered my towel, the only colour available was purple. Fair enough to anyone who's into that sort of thing but, equally, full credit to the manufacturers for adding some altogether less metrosexual colours to the mix. Back in my day, any man caught flouncing about a public swimming baths with a purple towel would have been arrested by the nearest police officer and put in the dock- on suspicion of having perpetrated the crime of "homosex". During the trial, the prosecuting QC would merely have had to produce "exhibit A" (one purple towel) before the defence counsel would have been forced to throw in the towel (not the physical one that constitutes exhibit A, this time, but a metaphorical towel of no specifically designated colour or fibre) and leave the defendant to swing for his crime. Of course, these days we live in a much more tolerant society in which openly gay men are permitted to lead normal and fulfilling lives without fear of being jailed (not unless they're dumb enough to attempt a romantic honeymoon to Yemen or Sudan, anyway). Just look at Steven Fry- among the most accomplished homosexuals of our time (not a reference to his level of accomplishment within the field of homosexuality, but rather a reference to his accomplishments as a human being, who also happens to be homosexual). Only last month, Fry was voted "Britain's favourite homosexual" for the fifth year running, by no less a publication than "Smash Hits" magazine. While it's altogether right that British society is increasingly willing to accept diversity (albeit with a non-commital nod minus eye contact, in some cases, rather than necessarily open arms) it's only fair that those who are not altogether secure in their heterosexuality should have access to the most remarkable advancements in towelling technology, without having to wear "artistic" colours. The addition of traditionally masculine blue and green options is certainly to be applauded- although the fellow in the fourth photo down looks entirely at home in the purple version.

PPS. we can only hope that Richard Littlejohn doesn't find out about the fact that the green and blue options cost a couple of quid more than the purple one. I don't want to read a massive rant in the Daily Mail about how barmy PC Britain has supposedly introduced a brand new levy on anyone who dares to be heterosexual.


ROCK JAW ARCANA V2 In Ear Headphone
ROCK JAW ARCANA V2 In Ear Headphone
Price: £39.99

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars More headphones, 29 Dec. 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
As an accomplished listener who can boast ownership of the eagle-ears of a bloodhound, I've now been called upon to review some ten or so different pairs of headphones for Amazon. Having already done the remarkably similar HYDRANT headphones (also from Lock Jaw) earlier in the month, words can scarcely convey quite what strong sentiments of contractual obligation have literally compelled me to set about writing this assessment, with less than an hour to go until the deadline. If I were to list the most significant difference, I'd have to go for the fact that these are made of wood, at the bit where the wire goes in, whereas the Hydrant ones are made of metal. However, this model is also slightly less geared towards the bass end of the sonic spectograph. As to which pair is the best, well, trying to appoint an objective winner would be a futile quest. It would make about as much as sense as trying to argue about whether Sean Connery or George Lazenby gave the "best" performance as James Bond. Or debating whether Peter Sellers should be considered the "best" Inspector Clouseau, when put alongside Steve Martin's interpretation of the character. It's simply a matter of subjective taste, and any objective differences are really quite minor anyway.

Although titled "Arcana", I can assure you that there's nothing remotely "arcane" about the product. Certainly, in medieval times, anybody who could make sound emerge from twin speakers, in perfectly synchronised stereo sound, would have been escorted to the biggest stake available and burned for witchcraft. In fact, even in the event that they had been caught red-handed, performing second-rate monaural playback- their fate would still have been sealed. And rightly so too! In those days, there simply wasn't suitable technology to recreate past sounds by rationally explicable means. Anyone who could reproduce the sound of music or voice really would have had to be in league with the devil. If burning them alive were the only means by which to expunge their vile and twisted soul from worldly presence, and deliver it right back to Satan's underground Kingdom, then good riddance! Fortunately, these days we have advanced to the point where we have sufficient command over electromagnetism to induce frequency specific oscillations in a small diaphragm, that transmits sonic waves right to the inner ear. Although the process is altogether scientifically credible, fairplay to the manufacturers for wanting to align the product to the idea of magic. Thanks to the recent successes among such young and trendy magicians as Paul Daniels and Wayne Dobson, there will doubtless be an increased market for these- as a direct result of the name selection.

Anyway, compared to some of the finest on-ear headphones around, the sound isn't in quite the same category of ballistic diameter- but it does do very well for the price-range. The extent to which I felt whelmed was neither deficient, nor grossly in excess. You can certainly expect more than a basic subsistence level of whelming, but there's nothing quite so far beyond a reasonable degree of expectation that I might have been placed in mortal danger (had I been trying to ride about on a greased pig, say, whilst listening).

PS Those reviewers who claim that there are four different sizes of ear buds included are a bunch of bad twerps, who might want to learn a little more restraint with the methylated spirits (that they must have been pouring on their cornflakes, each morning, at breakfast). There are the THREE standard sizes, plus an extra spare set for those with regular sized ears (statistically the most careless demographic). You'd think that they'd have the basic common sense to at least get a Micrometer Gauge out for measurement purposes, before writing such a hairy great load of old balls.


ROCK JAW HYDRA V2 In Ear Headphone
ROCK JAW HYDRA V2 In Ear Headphone
Price: £39.99

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A good quality set of ear speakers, 18 Dec. 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
From manufacturers Lock Jaw, the Hydrant V2 make for a rather impressive set of headphones. To my naked ear, the depth and warmth of the sound tremendously excels anything offered by the fake Sennheisers that can be ordered via Amazon Marketplace. The cable also comes in a rather stylish anti-tangle design, that wouldn't look at all out of place within a PVC themed sex dungeon. The bonus of a mammoth three year warranty is extremely good for peace of mind. Recently Doreen bought a bronze statue, which we've had on display in the lounge. Having caught my headphones no less than five times so far (upon the gigantic protruding phallus that juts out across the room) it's good to know that I won't be held culpable for cable failure. Following a dispute with the insurance company some years ago, I know as a matter of unequivocal fact that any damages that can be attributed to direct contact with male genitalia are specifically excluded from coverage, within the terms and conditions of our home contents policy. Praise be to Jehova, that the folks at Lock Jaw have no such qualms. In fact, with quite such sexually provocative cable, I suspect that they actively anticipate nothing less.


Paladone Poo Pooing Santa
Paladone Poo Pooing Santa
Offered by Accessory-Shop
Price: £4.95

3 of 5 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Time for an appointment with the doctor, 14 Dec. 2014
Appealing as a defecating Santa might be to anyone intending to appropriately mark the festive period, I have to say that I'm rather worried about St. Nick's state of health. Firstly, if we reference the particular form of his evacuations against the Bristol Stool Chart, it's quite clear that they fall into type 1 ("separate hard lumps, like nuts"). From the point of view of a child's plaything, this is arguably far better than the altogether looser stools that define types 5 through to 7. Frankly, the sight of Father Christmas' anus slowly uncurling a type 6 (ie "fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool"), would be in extremely poor taste. And that's without even going into how needlessly messy such faeces are to ingest. The film "Two girls one cup" (which successfully popularised the type 6 to a wider audience) wouldn't have been anywhere near as controversial, had a (rather firmer) type 3 simply been dissected into manageable bite-sized chunks, and then consumed with minimal fuss. Regardless, Santa's type 1 stools fall firmly into the constipation zone. I'm not sure we should be sanctioning the validity of such excremental forms, by attributing them to a popular seasonal figure. A child growing up with Santa as any kind of a faecal role model would likely be facing bowel cancer by the time they hit their late teens.

Anyway, more worrying still is the curiously pale finish of Santa's anal deposits. A white coloured stool is indicative of insufficient bile production. The normal brown colouring actually comes directly from bile- which is excreted into the small intestine during the digestive process, via the gall-bladder. Whiteness of the stool indicates either that the flow of bile is somehow being obstructed or that the liver simply isn't producing adequate quantities. Yes, it does make wearing white Y-fronts an altogether less risky business but, other than that incidental boon, it really isn't good news. Given that such symptoms are commonly associated with alcoholism, frankly I'm extremely concerned for the old man's mental and physical wellbeing.

Instead of leaving a glass of brandy and a mince pie beside the fireplace this year, in the Redhart household we've decided to go with a can of Kaliber Alcohol Free Lager and couple of Sugar Free Gummy Bears. We'll soon have Santa producing wholesome type 3/4s in a slightly softer sausage-like consistency, with a beautiful mahogany-brown veneer.


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