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The Movie Guy "Movies from A to Z" (United States)
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Tooken [DVD]
Tooken [DVD]
Dvd ~ John Asher
Price: £8.50

3.0 out of 5 stars I HAVE SKILLS, 30 May 2015
This review is from: Tooken [DVD] (DVD)
Bryan Millers (Lee Tergesen) is a former CIA agent who is now a mall cop. His ex-wife (Lauren Stamile) is looking to remarry a porn star named Money Maker (Reno Wilson) while his daughter (Laura-Leigh) attempts to lose her virginity. Meanwhile there are evil Albanians who are lead by Brown Finger (Margaret Cho).

The film is a near "Airplane" style spoof of Liam Neeson films, mostly the "Taken" series. The humor was on the predictable side, in this smile out loud production. The film copies the Woody Allen "Screw" scene from "Bananas."

Guide: F-bomb, sex, nudity? Large fake male organ


The Voices [DVD]
The Voices [DVD]
Dvd ~ Ryan Reynolds
Price: £10.25

3.0 out of 5 stars MY CAT MADE ME DO IT, 30 May 2015
This review is from: The Voices [DVD] (DVD)
Jerry (Ryan Reynolds) works in a small town factory. He is an outsider to the group, but well liked. He also hears voices, mostly from his pets, when he is off his medication. Jerry likes the voices and prefers to be off of his meds. Jerry likes Fiona (Gemma Arterton) who doesn't return the love. Jerry however is like by Lisa (Anna Kendrick) which would have been my first choice.

The movie starts out pretty decent, with Mr Whiskers catching the best lines. However, it is Ryan Reynolds and once the film gets past the point of no return , the black comedy drops off at a point where it should pick up.

Guide: F-bomb. No sex or nudity.


Hit by Lightning (2014) [Import]
Hit by Lightning (2014) [Import]
Dvd ~ Jon Cryer
Offered by Rare Dvds
Price: £19.99

2.0 out of 5 stars EVERYTHING ELSE IS PERFECT, 30 May 2015
Ricky (Jon Cryer) is a manager at Debby's restaurant and a typed cast personality. His best friend is single buddy Seth (Will Sasso) who every payday wants to "get paid and laid." Their lives are uneventful until Ricky meets his perfect match Danita (Stephanie Szostak) on E-Happy dating site. Danita is the perfect woman except for that one thing. She is married and wants Ricky to kill her husband (Jed Rees) who seems like a really nice guy.

Ho-hum another romance comedy with seemingly the same funny lines which simply make us smile and not laugh. I was not amused by the angst of Jon Cryer who we have seen this way a gazillion times before. It was one of those movies you watch that gives you Deja Vu. If you are really, really, really into romantic comedies you might enjoy this as a satire of the genre. I was not overly impressed.

Guide: F-bomb. Implied sex. No nudity.


Pound of Flesh [DVD] [Region 2] (English audio)
Pound of Flesh [DVD] [Region 2] (English audio)
Dvd ~ Jean-Claude Van Damme

2.0 out of 5 stars GAME OVER, 30 May 2015
Deacon (Jean-Claude Van Damme) goes to Hong Kong to donate his kidney to his niece. The night before, he runs into an ironic urban legend and gets his kidney removed in a hotel home. Determined to get his kidney back, Deacon injects morphine and goes after the bad guys with his brother George (John Ralston) getting in the way.

This is another in a series (it is not over) of old action heroes beating up guys less than half their age and doing it with a handicap. I know I can barely walk after I have been under a knife, and when I do, it is not pretty. How far will this go? I mean he tells a story of crawling across the Afghanistan desert with two broken legs.

The film was fun for a moment when Van Damme chose the Bible as his lethal weapon of choice. There was of course some Hollywood street theology dialogue which didn't help the film. The most amazing aspect of this film is that this script was sold.

Guide: F-bomb, sex, Van Damme/ body double butt nudity


Hellweek: Double Disc Grindhouse Bootleg Edition [DVD] [2009] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]
Hellweek: Double Disc Grindhouse Bootleg Edition [DVD] [2009] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]

2.0 out of 5 stars "TWO WORDS: FLASHLIGHT", 29 May 2015
The opening scene has an exotic dancer tied up with clown make-up on being tortured to death. This is pretty good stuff as it combines multiple elements that make for a fun filled slasher film. However, they never brought it home.

The film jumps to "one year later" then "3 days earlier" because font is cheap. The film takes place in Cleveland, but not the Cleveland we know, but that one that has a constant full moon at Halloween and randomly goes from day to night. JJ (Rob Jaeger) is the frat president and decides to go against everyone's judgement and initiate 2 pledges in the abandoned factory warehouse of urban legend. The first part of the film features his gang of guys and some young girls as we need to get to know these people before we tie them up and put clown make-up on them. This part of the film was exceedingly long and paid little attention to the killers, who barely get an honorable mention. They could have cut out the whole gypsy fortune teller stuff. That's for werewolf films, not slashers.

By the time the film gets to the fun stuff, I was ready for this thing to end. The family of killers was supposed to make the film, but for some reason it fell flat even when they incorporated clown make-up, masks, banjo music, pliers, knives, and a healthy amount of chain saws. It seemed they were attempting to get a Texas Chainsaw family Sid Haig style, but failed. Unless you're a fan of Karen Fox's tubby bare midriff, you might want to watch something else.

Parental Guide: F-bombs, no nudity. Implied sex scenes with ample sex talk.


Vampire Journals
Vampire Journals
Offered by dvd-uncut
Price: £11.95

3.0 out of 5 stars MUST BE TWILIGHT PREQUEL, 29 May 2015
This review is from: Vampire Journals (DVD)
MUST BE TWILIGHT PREQUEL as both stories contain feuding vampires and bad actors. Why do vampires only go after chicks that look like Denise Richards? Seems to me a fat chick would be easier to bag and would contain a few extra more days of blood. In this movie the bad vampire rips open the girl's top before he bites her neck, whereas the good vampire allows the victim to remove it. I also noticed the bad vampire got to sleep with two topless chicks. They didn't have sex, it was I bite you, you bite me, fake an orgasm then roll over and go to sleep. I guess when you get to be a few hundred years old, women don't expect too much. As far as movie ratings go, if you were to take away the nudity, subtract a star.

This feature is also available as a William Shatner Fright Night DVD and as part of an 8-pack (recommended) Echo Bridge collection "The Midnight Horror Collection."


Pit & The Pendulum [Blu-ray] [1991] [US Import]
Pit & The Pendulum [Blu-ray] [1991] [US Import]

3.0 out of 5 stars YOU WILL BE PUNISHED, 29 May 2015
Sometime marketed under the title "The Inquisitor" this film exposes the Inquisition as a scheme by the church to redistribute the wealth to them. It correctly shows the immodest interrogation of suspected witches. The film centers around old religious debates that exist between Maria (Rona De Ricci) and her world run by the Inquisitor (Lance Henriksen). The film shows how the people relished in the torture of others.

The film was a well done "B" movie in costume, design, and direction. However the script left me a bit empty. If not for the constant stripping of Maria, I would have lost interest.

This film is available on an 8-pack I obtained from Walmart as part of their "Midnight Horror" collection.

Parental Guide: No f-bombs, sex, Full frontal nudity (Rona De Ricci)


Reflecting Skin - Blu-ray
Reflecting Skin - Blu-ray

3.0 out of 5 stars HAVE YOU BEEN EXPLODING FROGS AGAIN?, 29 May 2015
I admit. I missed it. There is clearly some sort of metaphor and symbolism at work. The semi-surreal background kept he thinking about what is really happening. Seth Dove(Jeremy Cooper)is a young boy with a wild imagination growing up on a farm in Idaho. He believes the widow (Lindsay Duncan) next door is a vampire. His name oozes with symbolism, but I missed it. I suppose the symbolism involves the title, "The Reflecting Skin" which is mentioned late in the film.

His brother Cameron (Viggo Mortensen) shows up from watching a-bomb tests and falls in love with the woman whose dead husband's name was Adam. More of the metaphor? Adam's first wife was supposed to have been a succubus according to lore. There is diverse religious discussions among the kids involving angels. The black Cadillac??? Was that the grim reaper?

At times I felt I was going to watch another "Sailor Who Fell From Grace From the Sea" combined with "Summer of '42" combined with "Pan's Labyrinth". Sheila Moore, as the mom reminded me of the moms I grew up with before Valium. The movie had been fascinated and interested the whole time. If I had caught the symbolism, I would have perhaps gone 5 stars.

Parental Guide: No f-bombs, adult themes. Male rear nudity (Viggo) and B&W photo. I obtained this film on a horror film 8-pack at Walmart, although this is not really a horror film.


Night of the Templar [2012] [Blu-ray] [German Import]
Night of the Templar [2012] [Blu-ray] [German Import]
Dvd ~ David Carradine
Offered by DaaVeeDee-uk
Price: £21.85

3.0 out of 5 stars HO HO HO IT'S MAGIC, 29 May 2015
The story starts out giving us a Cliff Notes version of the Knights Templar. Lord Gregoire (Paul Sampson), the leader of the Templars is betrayed and killed by some of his own knights. He vows revenge in the 10th generation of the reincarnated souls or descendents or something. The story starts in 1095 or so and then jumps 700 years to the "present."

The reincarnation aspect is most interesting since this is the tenth film that David Carradine as been in since he has died in 2009. Shouldn't someone be questioning this? To add to the plot continuity issues, only Lord Gregoire looks like his 700 year old self. Some of the people remember who they were 700 years ago, while others do not. Many of the men from long ago are now women. The film jumps back and forth between the present and 700 years ago. In the present day Jake McCallister is Lord Gregoire. He has anger management issues that makes our hero unlikeable. Isn't 700 years a long time to hold a grudge? Get over it!

The present day cast reminded me of something that one might see from a modern "Canterbury Tales" line up including a cross dresser (Billy Drago), Priest (Udo Kier), shopkeeper (David Carradine), a fighter (Mary Christina Brown) and a prostitute (Sofie Norman). Much of the killing is done off screen. I liked the characters they created, they just did nothing with them.

There is some mild humor in this film, some which may not be intentional. The 700 year old grudge script was just so bad, there was nothing this group could have done to save it other than to walk away from it. Not as good as "Scorpion Kings 3" for you Drago fans.

Parental Guide: F-bomb, brief oral sex, brief nudity (Sofie Norman.)


Paranormal Activity 4
Paranormal Activity 4

2.0 out of 5 stars WILL THE REAL HUNTER PLEASE STAND UP?, 28 May 2015
This review is from: Paranormal Activity 4 (DVD)
Unless you have the IQ of a turnip, you already know this series is fake. However, the producers in their wisdom have decided if they can cut off more heads with bad camera angles and implore worse sound they might still convince us of the reality of this film. If you go on U-Tube or watch the amateur submissions to some America's video TV show, you will see that we are better photographers than this series makes us out to be.

In the beginning, Hunter is kidnapped as an infant. We then jump to 5 years later. The film starts out mostly of a young male filming a teen female (Kathryn Newton). She has a younger brother Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp). When Robbie (Brady Allen)the creepy young boy next door shows up with his imaginary friend weird things begin to happen. Alex, our teen girl allows the young man (Matt Shively) to set up cameras around the house to film the weird things that are going on and to cut off everyone's head. While weird things were caught on camera, they never went back to view the films which was the whole purpose of setting up the cameras in the first place.

Special effects, and by by "special" I mean ride the short bus special, included the chandelier moving, doors opening, chairs moving, covers coming off, and a bad levitation scene. No pool crawler getting out of the pool by itself.

This was by far the least of the series. If you were a big fan of the other three, you might find enjoyment in this one as this is upgraded to color. These films are cheap to make and pay for themselves in the opening weekend. Don't expect the franchise to go away anytime soon. Kathryn Newton did a good job in spite of the script and horrible camera shooting.

Parental Guide: F-bomb, C-blocking. No sex or nudity.


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