My grandmother is 87 now and although we have suggested she gets food delivered she still wants to cook, she said that "you can't trust Ronnie Corbett and Wiltshire Farms foods because he is too short to reach the doorbells".
So we were looking for a cook book that goes at her speed.

Now her brain isn't what it was and she doesn't move too fast, and we thought "slow cooking" would be perfect, it sounds like it takes time and she is mentally slow at the best of times.

We popped back a week later and she was actually using the book, apparently its the correct number of pages long to stop her dining table from wobbling, she then wandered off on her walker whistling 'every day I'm Shuffling' to herself, before wondering what she went into the kitchen for

the other night in the bedroom I handed this to the wife and asked "could I put it up your bottom?"
Will it hurt? she asked

Probably love, its quite a big box, I replied

Life so far has been good to me and I have a large house which is cleaned by a local agency, I arranged to take on a maid to pop round for two hours twice a week.
The next day the maid arrived and she was dressed in overalls looking not unlike Mario off the Nintendo. I thought about it and really wasn't happy, I was paying that agency £40 per hour and there is no formal uniform.

Then I remembered I ordered one of these for the wife that I hadn't given her yet, so I went upstairs and grabbed it, then gave the cleaner the box and told her to dress appropriately when working. Then reminded her that I was paying through the nose and could go elsewhere, so she went off and got changed.

A few minutes later there was a thud and a scream from the toilet, I checked and it was the maid, she had fall, ripping the outfit and covering most of the sink in blood in the process.
I had to call an Ambulance and she went to hospital where they found she had broken her hip and they were disgusted in my behaviour, which is a bit strong all things considered.

I still don't see how it was my fault, its the agency that sent a 77 year old woman out to clean my house, and the hip she broke was artificial too, so must have been faulty, they are supposed to last a lifetime.

This item was excellent and I highly recommend it to anyone, but, as the courts now insist, it should not be utilised as a form of uniform appropriate for contracted staff and employees to wear.

Now she lives in the care home I am painting for my community service, so I know she is perfectly fine and healthy

I bought this to hang on my teenage daughter's wall, she is all mood swings and hormones and thinks she runs the show, so I have hung this on her bedroom wall that backs onto the bathroom, when she starts with the attitude at night or refuses to get off the phone I simply switch off the fuse breaker that powers her room, plunging her into near darkness, so all she can do is stare at this picture through boredom in the dim light coming through the window.

Then after 10 mins I turn on the bathroom extractor fan, its old and knackered so nowhere near silent, so it sounds like the picture is wheezing and groaning.

That does the trick, she is too frightened for any attitude from then onwards, after a month she told the doctor that she thought Jimmy Savile's eyes followed her around the room, and once she was sure he licked his lips, she is on medication now which if anything means I don't need to do it anymore.
Its just a habit now that I can't resist

Found an old copy of this book and had a read, I say had a read, its more accurate to say I thumbed through it reading at best three pages overall.
But from what I guess it says, its all about how Jimmy Savile was still keeping up a high level of fitness which as it turns out, came in very useful as the teenage girls kept running up hill to try and escape from him. Thats why you may have seen Jimmy with a large butterfly net hanging out the side of an old Milk Float attempting to catch girls between passing lamp posts as he hurtled down the street at a reckless 4Mph.

Now poor Jimmy has died, his ghost haunts scout camp sites making the same wailing noises while jangling chains that he made while he was alive

but not perfect for every occasion,
I bought a couple of these for a recent stag do, but looking back on it the rest of the party probably would have liked the stripper more, if anything we should have got a stripper instead, but the flamingo was excellent

When I saw these were child friendly I just had to buy them, they worked out to be fantastic value for money

I have a toddler that loves things in these bright colours, so I give him a couple to play with, he really likes the yellow ones, and his four year old sister absolutely adores the pink ones.
The only way they could be more child safe is if they were a little larger, one of the kids swallowed one once, it took three days to come back out, but to its credit, after a quick rinse under the tap it was good to go again

This is excellent, it tastes good and literally does exactly what it says on the bottle.

I had to send the wife out to Halfords to buy a car rally harness seatbelt and some super glue, glued that thing onto the toilet because i kept smashing my head on the ceiling and felt dizzy.
I spent 4 hours strapped to that thing with a broken dinner dumper like a rusty jetwash.
I lost two stone too, its amazing stuff, get some

Now old Jimmy has been in the news a lot lately and I live next door to a school, they are really noisy so to shut them up I mentioned to a few of them that the place is haunted by the ghost of Jimmy Saville, then after a week of that I now put this costume on and walk through the playground dragging a net and pointing at the kids through the window.
That keeps them silent for the rest of the week

If anything this thing has transformed our lives

Being an avid reader of the Daily Sport I believe things I saw in a dream to be real and am irrationally paranoid that everyone in the world is a sex offender.
So I bought one of these paedo meters, its great because it also has a distance alarm which I assume warns you when one is nearby.

There must be a lot of them in my area because on the walk to school with the kids it counted 475 of them on the way

Its a disgrace!