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Hal Marshall "I Write Books!" (Essex, UK)

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The Definitive Collection
The Definitive Collection
Price: 12.72

5.0 out of 5 stars 'If that's Stevie calling to tell me he loves me, tell him I've moved!', 27 Aug 2014
It's funny how many of these songs were familiar to me, despite the fact that I've never actively gone searching for any of Stevie Wonder's songs before. Mind you, one or two of his songs have come on a bit strong to me in their time. I mean, I can't watch a single one of those 'Worst Songs Ever' programmes without encountering 'Ebony & Ivory'; and, of course, there was that awful period in late 1984 when the only way for me to escape the equally awful 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' was to hide under my bedclothes and wait for Wham! to come and send Stevie - and his iron-grip on the top of the UK charts - well and truly packing.

Nevertheless, one brief look at the playlist for this 2-disc set at the supermarket was more than enough for me to abandon any pretence of trying to follow a sensible shopping list and to find room instead in my sad-single-person's-trolley for 36 individual works of Stevie Wonder's undoubted musical genius: plus 'Ebony & Ivory' and 'I Just Called To Say I Love You'. The collection was put together in 2002, which did give me some pause - especially at this sort of price. Ah, but the very convenient way in which both 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' and 'Ebony & Ivory' have been quarantined together there, nice and early in the proceedings, did strike me as a very handy way of killing two birds with one fast-forward button. And there were just so many other songs on here that I'd heard of that I simply couldn't resist buying it.

The sleeve notes are interesting, although they're nothing like as comprehensive as I would've liked. There are some cracking pictures of Stevie Wonder through the years, they're great. And there's an impressive gallery containing fifteen little snapshots of his albums. But the actual listing of the tracks themselves does not give any indication as to precisely which album each one hails from. That's going to make it a bit inconvenient should I decide to dig a little deeper into the Stevie Wonder back-catalogue. Quite apart from which, it would've been interesting!

The music quality is excellent and, because the songs are not arranged in chronological order, it means you are never very far away from an absolute classic. For reasons that I'm sure I'd be best served never to dwell upon, I seem to have taken a particular shine to 'Never Had A Dream Come True'. It's a beautifully arranged piece of music, but I can't quite figure out whether the lyrics are more depressing than a page from the script of 'EastEnders' or whether they are, in fact, giving losers in love everywhere a little bit of hope. I certainly don't feel especially 'hopeful' when I hear it... it makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

And yet, I can't stop playing it.

Hm... with a masochistic streak like that, maybe I SHOULD give 'Ebony & Ivory' a go?

Gun Fu: Stickman Edition
Gun Fu: Stickman Edition
Price: 0.00

5.0 out of 5 stars Give it some Stick!, 26 Aug 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This review is from: Gun Fu: Stickman Edition (App)
You know how life's problems always like to come at you en masse? Well, bright red stickmen brandishing weapons - and with murder, very much, on their minds - adopt a similar approach in this game.

Officially, this app is a handy means of checking your reaction time. But, what it REALLY is, is a fabulously therapeutic little stress toy, fully equipped with sound-effects, which can be called upon at a moment's notice whenever the stresses and strains of life threaten to get the better of you. Not that it's all about violence - at least, not on your part.

At first glance, it looks as though there is only one level available to you, with the rest being firmly padlocked and, presumably, rather partial to a bit of that old 'in-app purchasing' that is mentioned in the product description. Each 100 points you earn in the game will get you one little golden thingamabob: I guess one day I might manage to accumulate enough of those to unlock the adjacent level. As it stands though, I haven't managed to unlock any other levels yet, so my little stickman generally has to make do with 'just' a pistol in each hand. He is some marksman too, despite having no opposable thumbs or, indeed, fingers.

Scarlet-shaded assassins are dispatched with one shot and, if you can take two of them out at once, you get even more points. Well-aimed shots make for the best score, although you do still get points for the odd botch-job. But, beware - shooting your weapon too early (or, heaven help us, in the wrong direction entirely) constitutes a 'miss'. And three misses means your little stickman will get his head blown off.

The developers seem very keen to get me on Facebook so I can compare the statistics of my massacres with the wider population but I really don't think I can be bothered. There are a few ads too but they're only in-between games and so are not at all intrusive. Apparently you can turn them off - but it will cost you.

Oh yeh, if you scroll down the game menu past all those padlocks, you'll come to three fabulous little 'extra' games that are probably even more fun to play than that pistol-packing one. The first has a Hallowe'en theme, and involves your stickman trying to annihilate a plethora of pumpkin-headed protagonists before they can blow his Frankenstein's Monster head off.

The Christmas-inspired game involves your stickman chucking gifts at his would-be murderers and thus getting rid of them in a completely non-violent way, before they can blow his little Santa head off. And the Valentine's game sees your stickman taking on the role of Cupid, firing arrows full of love at his enemies (but not the goat - don't hit that goat!) before, you've guessed it, they can shoot his head off.

I am thoroughly enjoying taking my (many and varied) frustrations out on the homicidal cast of this app!

Free Colour Sudoku Demo
Free Colour Sudoku Demo
Price: 0.00

2.0 out of 5 stars So, it's just as I've always feared - size DOES matter!, 26 Aug 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This review is from: Free Colour Sudoku Demo (App)
It's taken me forever to get the basic gist of this, chiefly because:

(a) I am as dense as a bowl of custard
(b) There are no instructions
(c) On a Tab 3 screen, the two little bubbles that hold key information relating to how many guesses you've made and how many points you've accumulated so far remain, annoyingly, just below the horizon
(d) Apart from successfully making your way to the end, there is no way out of a game once you've embarked upon it other than to command your machine to reboot itself: which, in app circles, is the equivalent of commanding your machine to tell 'Free Colour Sudoku Demo' to go forth and multiply

Now, the problem with the game's appearance might just be down to the fact that the size of my handheld entertainment device leaves an awful lot to be desired (and if that IS the case, then it seems my ex-wife might just have been right after all). Folk with more inches at their disposal will doubtless be able to derive an awful lot more pleasure from this demo - and probably from a fair few other things in life as well - than me. So, perhaps I'd better stop cursing Mother Nature for being so stingy and tell you what I THINK this app is all about.

I believe the app consists of 18 different games, all of which are, allegedly, 'Easy'. Within that, I reckon there are three different levels of 'achievement'. When I do manage to figure out the correct colour of a square in the grid, the game awards me points, but how they are worked out is a complete mystery. All I can see when I'm playing is a 30 second countdown, so I guess that allows you thirty seconds between each successful deduction. Because I am as dense as a bowl of custard, my countdown keeps starting from the beginning again and, I assume, taking my maximum points along with it.

Were I able to persevere with this app for long enough to actually make it to the end of any one game, things might be a tad clearer. I haven't checked recently to see whether Hell is expecting a cold snap but, unless it is, I can't ever see that happening though.

101 Places Not to Visit: Your Essential Guide to the World's Most Miserable, Ugly, Boring and Inbred Destinations
101 Places Not to Visit: Your Essential Guide to the World's Most Miserable, Ugly, Boring and Inbred Destinations
by Adam Russ
Edition: Paperback
Price: 8.32

5.0 out of 5 stars Be it ever so humble, there is NO place like home!, 25 Aug 2014
I recently got around to replacing my copy of this fabulously funny little book, the original having disappeared into my ex-wife's swag bag sometime during our divorce. I don't know if she still pores over its pages in search of somewhere suitably boring / inhospitable / lethal to send me on a one-way trip to when her six numbers come up... but that's certainly what she used to do when we were married.

It's a humorously inventive work, with laugh-out-loud lines galore, whose underlying philosophies (international travel can be a dodgy old business and, while your own neck of the woods might have its problems, there are 101 places out there that are, for one reason or another, far, far worse) have always appealed to the lazy, couch-potato skinflint in me.

The book is packed with the sort of photos that you'll never find in any travel brochure, all annotated with something suitably humorous. Each location is given a 'Boredom Rating', together with a rating of between one and five stars to indicate how likely it is that you'd ever make it out alive AND a few words to prepare you for how you'd most likely meet your end. 'Essential Packing' might come in handy if you do decide to throw caution and/or the advice of the Foreign Office completely to the wind; whether you'll be best served packing 'a quart of your own blood type' or just going for broke and sticking your last will and testament into your hand-luggage, this book will tell you.

The author, Adam Russ, then looks at the 'History' and 'Culture' of each hellhole. This is surprisingly informative, as well as being deliciously irreverent. 'Attractions' gives you a flavour of just how devoid of genuine entertainment some of these places are, while 'Eating and Drinking' takes a look at local cuisine and customs.

The locations deemed dull / dangerous enough to receive an appropriately-phrased character assassination depending upon just how awful someone like Judith Chalmers or Kate Adie would have found them are as follows:

AFRICA: Bujumbura, Cape Town, Casablanca, Harare, Khartoum, Mogadishu, Tangiers, Yamoussoukro

THE ARCTIC: Bouvetoya

ASIA: Astana, Bangalore, Bangkok, Beijing, Da Nang, Deshnok, Kyoto, Manila, Pyongyang, Sentinel Island, Seoul, Ulaanbaatar

AUSTRALASIA: Adamstown, Brisbane, Byron Bay, Darwin, Hobart, Port Moresby, Rabbit Flat, Wellington

EUROPE: Amsterdam, Anglesey, Barcelona, Belfast, Berlin, Brussels, Cardiff, Copenhagen, Edinburgh, Faro, Frankfurt, Gibraltar, Glasgow, Grozny, Helsinki, Ilulissat, Istanbul, Kiev, Kosovo, Liverpool, London, Lucerne, Luxembourg City, Madrid, Magaluf, Marseilles, Moscow, Munich, Murmansk, Omsk, Oslo, Paphos, Paris, Reykjavik, Riga, Rome, Salzburg, Skopje, Slough, Sofia, St. Tropez, Tirana

THE MIDDLE EAST: Beirut, Bethlehem, Cairo, Damascus, Fallujah, Kabul, Riyadh, Sanaa, Tehran

NORTH AMERICA: Anchorage, Atlantic City, Birmingham, Charleston, Dallas, Detroit, Edmonton, Havana, Los Angeles, Mitchell, New York City, Orlando, Rhyolite, Washington D.C.

SOUTH AMERICA: Buenos Aires, La Paz, Mexico City, Port Stanley, Port-au-Prince, Rio de Janeiro, San Salvador, Santa Domingo

This is a really entertaining book that never fails to make me smile. The only criticism I have of it is that it was originally printed in 2005 and has never been updated. On the whole, that doesn't detract from things too much but, occasionally, a reference to the 2008 Olympics or something will (a) suddenly make you realise this book is rather old, and (b) suddenly make you realise that YOU are rather old as well.

No? Oh well, that must just be me then.

The again, the fact that it IS so old is actually rather endearing, especially when you consider that, thanks to the efforts of Messrs Blair, Bush Jr and others of their (rather dubious) ilk, the world is so horrible these days that an updated version would undoubtedly come up with an even longer list of ill-advised holiday destinations.

Musical Washboard
Musical Washboard
Price: 0.00

4.0 out of 5 stars D W Washboard, I heard a sweet voice say-ee..., 23 Aug 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This review is from: Musical Washboard (App)
I'm a fan of the late, great Deryck Guyler, so I suppose you might say that this app and I were always destined to be together. Always assuming, that is, that you're not too busy saying 'Who the hell was Deryck Guyler?'.

For anyone interested in trying to channel the washboard-playing spirit of that fine actor, this is a jolly good place to start. I myself use it in tandem with an 80s radio app which, very nobly, keeps itself to itself in the background, allowing me full reign to give it large with some old-fashioned percussion accompaniment.

True, there are a few adverts. Indeed, owing to my - apparently sordid - browsing history, many of my ads seen to involve ladies who are wearing very few clothes. And a virtual washboard will always be a pale imitation of the sort of thing Mr Guyler used to ferry around with him between appearances on Pebble Mill, Children In Need and any other programme at all that also featured Patrick Moore and his xylophone.

For one thing, getting carried away on this particular washboard does produce a sound not unlike a Geiger counter becoming intimately acquainted with a lump of uranium. It's not exactly reminiscent of the sound of metal thimbles on pre-Zanussi cutting edge laundry technology, let's put it that way. That thing that, I assume, is a cymbal but which looks to me more like a silicone breast implant, that makes a noise like a car backfiring. The other two though, the horn and that metal thing, they sound just about right. Oh, but there is a bit of a time delay sometimes between squeezing your horn and anything actually happening.

Or, maybe that's just my age...?

Rewind - The 80s Album
Rewind - The 80s Album
Price: 8.00

0 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An 80s compilation with a purpose..., 21 Aug 2014
This review is from: Rewind - The 80s Album (Audio CD)
I am completely addicted to buying 80s compilations, so the presence of interlopers to the decade like Chesney Hawkes (get back to the 90s, man - and tell 10CC et al to sod off back to the 70s while you're about it!) would never have dissuaded me from purchasing this. Quite apart from which, I'd already been seduced by the blurb that accompanies this particular item: something about this being a 3CD collection featuring 'a decade of classic pop hits from some of the most talented acts and REWIND PERFORMERS PAST AND PRESENT (NB: my emphasis) all laced with nothing but pure nostalgia'.

This 45-track collection then, has evidently been put together to showcase the work of those noble 80s artists who now do the rounds of the summer 80s revivals and festivals, as well as giving (yet?) another airing to some classic numbers from, mostly, that decade whose singers are a little bit too shy / too busy / too famous / not famous enough / not broke enough yet to get themselves along to such things and thereby bring pleasure to us ageing masses.

I only caught one 80s concert myself this year, in Scarborough, although it was not a 'Rewind' one. Jason Donovan, Rick Astley, Sonia and Bananarama were all there and, on that basis, this collection does provide a handy way to relive the energy of that evening. Only I (oh, and now you - sleep well, won't you...) will ever know just how close I came to flashing my man boobs at Sara and Keren, so giddy with excitement was I by the time they sang 'Venus'. That's the sort of 'I-felt-so-good-I-nearly-traumatised-several-thousand-revellers-for life' energy that a product like this can really help a listener tap in to.

No? Oh well, that must just be me then.

'Happy Talk' is probably my favourite track on here, purely because it is such a relative rarity. I also love Chas & Dave's 'Ain't No Pleasing You': you can imagine the compilers of each and every one of these 80s compilations singing that song to themselves - and to their prospective audiences - while trying to find that happy medium between 'exciting and popular' and 'over-familiar and predictable'.

There are, I will concede, an awful lot of songs on here that can be found on practically any other 80s compilation. Why do I find myself looking at you in particular, 'It's Raining Men'? That song is like the Peter Andre of the 1980s pop world - it is totally shameless and could pop up virtually anywhere. Then again, we must truly be thankful for whatever small mercies saw fit to leave Nena and her 99 inflatables soundly by the wayside.

But, not too many compilations come right out and state their intentions in quite the way this one does. It's not trying to unearth any rare 80s diamonds. It's not claiming to be an 'Ultimate' or a 'Definitive' or a 'Complete' - any 3-disc set that claims to be any of those things is, in my experience, lying through its little retro teeth anyway. It is attempting to take the shortest possible route back to the sort of 80s music that most of us would instantly be familiar with. These are tried and tested songs that will have you dancing round the house or rummaging through the contents of your loft in search of your 'Smash Hits Sticker Album: 1986' like nobody's business.

This collection, most definitely, has its flaws. Well, one flaw really - that, somewhat gung-ho, approach of trying to smuggle perfectly respectable songs from other decades in here without any real reason. If you're going to hang your product's hat on 'The 80s', you really do need to give that awesome decade some respect.

To counter that though, the sound quality is excellent. And, while this is nothing like a 'definitive' compilation of 80s tunes , in fairness, it never claimed to be such a thing in the first place. It is, however, a unique little compilation that does tap into that 80s nostalgic energy very, very nicely indeed.

Price: 0.00

2.0 out of 5 stars Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, 19 Aug 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This review is from: Bubbles (App)
'We got the best bubble games in the internet' boasts the product description, accompanied by no less than four exclamation marks!!!! Maybe I'm just thick, but I didn't expect this app to actually take me and my Tab 3 on a rather dodgy tour of the internet as it attempted to prove its point.

There are no instructions, but that's probably because there's no actual game. The app amounts to no more than two static pictures of coloured bubbles plus four little windows via which you will be will whisked, like Dorothy, up into the wilds of the internet. Unless you don't have a signal of course: in which case, you certainly won't be missing much.

Window 1 - Takes you to 'BubbleGame', a site which professes to contain all sorts of bubble games but which, on my tablet at least, is simply a host of half-blank screens with ads around the side.

Window 2 - Takes you to a site called 'JustGames', where bubbles are few and far between but where you will certainly never be lonely, not with all those adverts to keep you company. You can play games here without having to download them though. Well, the ones that actually work, that is.

Window 3 - Takes you to a site called 'Bubblesphere', a place that seems to be devoted to the art of blowing actual bubbles and which has been put together by one 'Professor Bubbles'. There are three games on there apparently, but it says they need Java, so they wouldn't work for me. On the plus side though, there are no adverts!

Window 4 - Now we're in a place called 'Arantius', where they bombard you with wise words from the likes of Confucius, presumably to distract you from all those ads. I couldn't negotiate my way around the site anyway, and none of the games I clicked on wanted to work for me, but I'm probably missing a plug-in or something.

I shall certainly not be keeping this on my tablet although, had I actually interpreted that product description properly, the app would never have been downloaded in the first place. As a means of FINDING bubble games, I accept that, yes, it might (MIGHT!) just come in handy. But it does not deliver them directly to your device in the way that, in my view, any decent app should.

Grafix Dress Your Own Mannequins
Grafix Dress Your Own Mannequins
Offered by The Works
Price: 4.99

5.0 out of 5 stars She's a model and she's looking good..., 16 Aug 2014
I am obviously not the target audience for an item like this although, being a man who is very much in touch with his feminine side, I do know my way around a high-heel, frock and pashmina combo. The actual recipients were two little relatives of mine aged nine and six who don't know of my expertise when it comes to ladies' fashions and fabrics and, while I didn't buy it myself, I did observe its purchase (from a branch of the High Street shop that seems to be selling them here) and I did make sure I was available, purely in an 'advisory' capacity you understand, once they got the box open.

It is an impressive-looking thing alright. In the box you will find:

- 3 Mannequin models
- 12 squares of assorted patterned fabrics
- 14 assorted ribbons
- Double-sided tape
- A spatula
- Instructions

The mannequins - which each measure about 22cm in height - are made of fairly light plastic and do need to be put together (although that's a doddle). The brief instructions will then tell you precisely how to dress them. It sounds fiddly to begin with, what with all that talk of folding and twisting and pushing things into grooves with spatulas, but it really is a piece of haute couture cake. This is obviously a tragic turn of events if you too are planning on making yourself available, purely in an 'advisory' capacity you understand; if you, like me, are hoping to get your hands on this product that way, the bad news is, you can forget it.

I can't even begin to describe to you the sense of sheer frustration a person feels at having to watch two little girls effortlessly getting to grips with a thing like this and, consequently, pulling the plug on your own dreams of being the biggest thing to hit the fashion world since Kathy Beale's knitting enterprise in 'EastEnders'.

Worse, because the garments you will witness being produced for next year's Lilliputian Spring Collection are simply tucked into the back of these mannequins with the help of that spatula, this toy could quite easily last forever; which means that it will, presumably, be flaunted right in front of you ad infinitum. It makes absolutely no mess either.

Speaking personally, I really don't think I could hate it more!

The 80s Part 2
The 80s Part 2
Price: 11.00

5.0 out of 5 stars The start of something big?, 16 Aug 2014
This review is from: The 80s Part 2 (Audio CD)
I found this while out shopping the other day and was so impressed with its list of contents that, despite suspecting that buying it here on Amazon would also include the MP3 version and would almost certainly be cheaper to boot, I simply couldn't wait to get to know it. I gave it a lift back to my place and, quite rightly, I think it probably felt quite special at the time - although, having seen just how many OTHER 80s compilations I already had under my roof, I fear it now thinks that it's 'just another one of them'. I wish I could reassure it that, as far as I am concerned, it is far, far more.

It didn't immediately click that this compilation is the follow-up to The 80s, a somewhat more predictable four disc set that gave us 80s music compilation fans yet another opportunity to own a copy of '99 Red Balloons'. 'The 80s Part 2' does not offer any explanation whatsoever as to how its own 80 tracks were selected but, one thing's for certain - someone somewhere has actually used their imagination. I know there is a fine line that these sorts of products always tread between giving a true picture of popular 80s music on the one hand, and choosing the same songs as everybody else to do it with and therefore looking dull and predictable on the other: but this collection does have more than a spark of individual flair about it.

There seems to be no rhyme nor reason as to why the songs have been presented in the playing order they have either although, by randomly distributing music from different genres, styles and years, what you have left is a collection that can genuinely hold its listeners' attentions without their minds turning to thoughts of the fast-forward button.

As far as negatives are concerned, I am disappointed with the lack of in-depth sleeve notes. 80s veterans taking possession of this product might have liked their memories refreshed as to who some of these artists were and perhaps where these songs charted: and a modern-day visitor to this era might have found such a thing even MORE useful. I'm also not thrilled to find Diana Ross's brilliant 'Upside Down' being cut off in the prime of life before that fabulous instrumental at the end can really get cracking. But these are minor points really.

Now that I've sussed out the relationship between this collection and its colleague from last year it strikes me that, taken together, they are shaping up to be perhaps THE definitive collection of 80s music that we are all seeking. In which case, given the almost criminal lack of anything by Bananarama on these eight discs so far, I sincerely hope someone somewhere is working on 'The 80s Part 3'!

Radox Feel Good Fragrance Muscle Therapy Bath Soak -  500 ml
Radox Feel Good Fragrance Muscle Therapy Bath Soak - 500 ml
Offered by Coop Pharmacy 4U
Price: 2.99

4.0 out of 5 stars The Placebo Effect?, 16 Aug 2014
I bought my bottle of 'Muscle Therapy' at the supermarket and, although I know Every Little Helps, I'd better not say WHICH supermarket. The black pepper and ginseng smell of it reminds me very much of 'Africa', by Lynx. And the impressive way it gets itself into a lather reminds me very much of my ex-wife, by golly. The back of the bottle promises a bath soak with a 'feel good fragrance' (which is certainly true, although I'm sure the bouquet of a briefcase full of used banknotes would probably make me feel even better) and a 'stimulating blend' (no, I don't think I ought to go down THAT road), which will 'leave you feeling revived'.

There's nothing anywhere on the bottle to suggest it can do anything in particular about my recently acquired muscle pain, which does leave me a little puzzled as to quite why it bears the name 'Muscle Therapy'. It makes me think that the relief I feel, albeit on a temporary basis, could probably be achieved with the assistance of any random collection of completely indecipherable and totally incomprehensible ingredients. Then again, it does seem to help, if only for the time I spend in the tub with it, so I probably shouldn't be complaining.

My own particular injury is muscular in nature and groin-related in geography and was sustained one afternoon about a month ago when I decided to clean the inside of the upstairs windows in my kimono. Not that I've got windows in my kimono you understand - it's a bit too short for that. It reveals quite a lot too, in the 'going commando' department. So anyway there I was, giving it large with the Windolene, stretching out over the furniture and perched, rather stupidly, with one foot on my bedroom windowsill, one foot on a ridiculously unsuitable swivel chair, and nothing even remotely approaching a foot in between them.

Well, to cut a long story short I, somewhat belatedly, realised just how many people were stood in the queue at the bus stop right outside my window, AND what they might be able to cop a right eyeful of (assuming that at least one of them was related to Steve Austin and had a powerful telescopic eye which could make out extremely small details). In the ensuing kerfuffle as I tried to avoid flashing my nadgers at the neighbours, my swivel chair attempted to flee the scene, taking my left leg with it and evidently damaging muscles in my right leg that only whoever it was who put my flabby carcass together in the first place would ever even remember me possessing.

Taking a long, hot dip in the company of 'Muscle Therapy' does help to alleviate the discomfort I am still feeling as a result of that farce although, as I say, I rather think soaking in anything would probably do that job just as well. And I'm afraid that, at the end of the day, I am probably going to have to get myself medically seen to. But this does smell nice and, knowing that Every Little Helps, at least for me, it has been very good value.

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