0 of 7 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars
Singing Goths? No Thank You, 14 July 2009
i watched Sweeney Todd last night.
Singing Goths isn't on my check list of film necessities
in the interests of not wasting any more of my precious lounging time on anymore nonsense films i've drawn up a check list of minimum requirements for me - and in a wider sense the average discerning viewer - to enjoy a film.
ideally, this list would be displayed in table form on the back of every future dvd release...
1 - EXPLOSIONS!!!
2 - Banjo-soundtracked Car chases (at a push I can lose the soundtrack but in my head i'll still be imagining the twanging of a banjo string or two)
3 - The Dead Brought Back to Life (I'm realistic enough to accept that there can't be zombies in every film, so i will accept resuscitations, defibrillators, ancient curses and adrenaline shots)
4 - Boobs, Jiggling (there has to be movement)
5 - Close ups of guns being cocked (nothing gay - not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing - about that, plus number 4 proves that I'm not)
6 - Jumping from one roof onto another roof and then onto another roof in one shot (jumping from one roof only to grasp onto the ledge of another roof just doesn't cut it for me anymore)
7 - A plot that someone's taken some time and care over (unless you up the explosion quota)
8 - Unseen Evil (lurking in the shadows, not dancing about to fitness videos or constructing ironic deaths in some sort of gimmicky mask)
9 - Murderous Monkeys (unless its explained away as their rage at the destruction of their natural habitat - stuff that, I want an angry spider monkey battering someone with a frying pan just cos he can)
10 - Someone getting battered with a frying pan
I'll be happy with any two of these boxes ticked
I'll also instantly watch any film - no matter how rubbish - if its got; Zombies, Sharks, Ninjas or is a documentary about 80s hair metal
Things I definitely don't want in a film are;
1 - Singing Goths
2 - Oppressive Finnish Landscapes
3 - Joyless Arty Humping
4 - the words "soundtrack available on Def Jam Records" (unless its before 1994)
5 - Dwarves (not little people, but the small warty vikingy axe carrying sort - and definitely no elves)
6 - Main protagonists with one syllable names (John McLane, Jack Burton, John Matrix, Snake Plisken - them's all proper names)
7 - Action heroes in their 50s (except Bruce Willis)
8 - Camp Robots (i know, one exception - though it may have been different if it wasn't part of my childhood, can't start re-evaluating Battle of the Planets now)
9 - Actresses playing the mother of an actor who is older than them (except for drunken master 2)
10 - Multiple Roles in a comedy (professor klump and buddy luv excluded - but not the rest of the klumps)
lets not let this happen to me again