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Simony (England)

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Full Circle
Full Circle
Offered by uniqueplace-uk
Price: £10.25

1.0 out of 5 stars Criminal Record, 14 Jun. 2016
This review is from: Full Circle (Audio CD)
'The heat is stifling, burning me up round the inside, the sweat is coming, from each and every pore'.

Any fan of 80s music will recognise this line from Nik Kershaw's hit 'Wouldnt It Be Good'. However, listen to that same line as sung by a guy called Kirk Johnston in his cover version which opens this execrable disc, and if you are a male of the species, you will come as close as you will ever come to understanding the pain your mother felt during childbirth.

Bitter Pill (Deluxe CD)
Bitter Pill (Deluxe CD)
Offered by NextDayEntertainment
Price: £9.67

0 of 4 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Another one who can't sing properly., 30 Mar. 2016
This review is from: Bitter Pill (Deluxe CD) (Audio CD)
I just heard this guy sing a David Bowie classic live on the radio. Can you imagine how bad it was? By the sounds of the album, the record company were sitting in on every session. What a sellout! The Carpenters did this kind of thing much better. Avoid..
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Apr 6, 2016 10:03 PM BST

Chaos And The Calm
Chaos And The Calm
Price: £3.99

0 of 3 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Back to where it came from, 23 Mar. 2016
This review is from: Chaos And The Calm (Audio CD)
I'll give James Bay credit, it took me about 20 flushes to get rid of it all after i stamped it to pieces with my hob nail boots. The CD was stinking my house out. God knows where it materialised from in the first place.

John Bishop Supersonic Live at the Royal Albert Hall [DVD] [2015]
John Bishop Supersonic Live at the Royal Albert Hall [DVD] [2015]
Dvd ~ John Bishop
Price: £7.00

3 of 9 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Lennie Bennett wannabe for the 21st Century?, 20 Nov. 2015
When John played the Altitude comedy festival at a ski resort recently, only 2 of the 12 close friends that he took with him actually turned up to see his performance. Seeing as the gig took place up in the mountains, on a freezing night, one wonders what else there was to do; an early night maybe?

John's fast rise to becoming a staple of bland, early-evening BBC comedy has been supersonic. Quite rightly, his management have insisted that he cashes-in on the Christmas DVD market whilst he still can. I don't think that John should have any concerns that the money will stop pouring in anytime soon. These comedy cycles can last decades. When Jimmy Tarbuck talks about his regret at having missed out on the DVD cash bonanza, he sounds like a late 1980's footballer crying into the Royal Mail postbag that he carries around for a few hours each morning.

Just think, if this was the 1980's, John would be the automatic choice to host summertime special, which says a lot for how the quality of TV has plummeted in recent years. John Bishop is no Bernie Clifton, although he may look similar. Bernie used to introduce BBC light entertainment with an effortless flair, having crafted his talent at comedies' coalface. John just sounds like an electrician who's been asked to say a few words at a wedding. This is comedy for the big-brother generation, where popularity is voted on by the Buy Now button on websites like this one, rather than how many of your best friends turn up to see your live show after they've been flown to the event by the performer himself.

Price: £11.97

5.0 out of 5 stars Delving into the depths of the Toronto underGROUNDERS! What A Trip. I Fell., 18 May 2015
This review is from: Grounders (Audio CD)
Toronto Canada's Grounders are back with what I think is their debut album so let's 'ave a listen. Live Review.

Track 1 Secret Friend: Hmm, spangly sounding intro...pounding synthetic drums, echoey vocals, trying to create some kind of ethereal soundscape. The beat drags. I'm not taking much notice of the vocals, i presume they are meaningless given the way they're being sung. Boringgggg. 5/10

Track 2 Pull It Over Me. Hmm, that's what she said to me last night. Now Grounders submit to a more accurate pastiche of Cocteau Twins, apart from the vocals. It's got that signature guitar sound, you know the one, like it's recorded underwater. Again, it's ploddy, and is coated in rather sad pieces of playful noise. Boring, and short-ish. 5/10

Track 3 Bloor Street And Pressure. Hmm, this one starts off more eager like. And it sounds far more interesting, but maybe that's cuz it's a bit distorted sounding. Maybe they played it back and realized it was sounding as boring as 1 and 2 so they fed it thru a distortion pedal to make out that they were more of an experimental band. Signature Cocteau guitar enters around 57 seconds. Soon after theres some fun squelchy noises which I like! Boing Boing Boinggggggg. More fun. 6/10

Track 4 Face Blind. Hmm, I think the best tunes are behind us, seeing as this sounds dull as dishwater to begin with. Incidentally, I recently visited China and I saw those multi-coloured chicks that grace the cover of this record in a animal market. Poor lil chicks all cramped together. They also had 4 puppies to one little cage, and about 5 kittens. This song's still playing. I saw the market in Kunming. Maybe Grounders went there on tour or something. I wonder how they breed them to be multicoloured. The chicks I mean, not Grounders, although I couldn't tell you the ethnic make-up of the group. I don't mean that they use ethnic make-up on their faces, oh you know what I mean. Anyway, the chicks, perhaps they feed them on fruit polo sweets, except that they don't make fruit polos anymore. Chicks dig the fruit loops. This song sounds like one giant loop. Actually, not too giant, cuz we're back around again all too quickly. There's the end. Bit dull. 4/10

Track 5 Vyvanse This one starts like it's Eric Clapton playing his first notes on electric guitar aged 11. I can hear the potential but it's not at all fully, or even semi-formed. This really is awful. Singer sounds well stoned on this track. There's young Eric again. My goodness. You know those inter-atlantic albums that are made by 2 people who post eachother music in the mailbox and the other one receives it and adds his bit to it. Well, this track is like one of those albums, except that, on this track, the people who mastered the album thought it would be a bit of a goof to put the guitar from one track onto the wrong vocal. These 2 certainly don't sound like theyr'e in the same room. I'm getting some enjoyment from the humour though. There's more synths on this track than Rick Wakeman has used in the last 40 years. Now I know that Rick's been a little on hard times recently, but surely he hasnt sold them job lot to the Canadians! That's a lotta lumber Jack. 5/10

Track 6 Drawing Space. Lil' Eric's showing off now. Oh dear this one's going nowhere. Treading water now. This is what Jimi Hendrix wouldve called a Sound Painting. After he called it a pile of hit. While we're treading, what's in a name? Grounders? Im thinking coffee. This track's monotonous coda is gonna keep me up all night. It's already 1am. I'm probably not awake enough to fully appreciate how bad this all is. 2/10

Track 7 Fool's Banquet. Hmm, which band are they trying to emulate badly now? Probably Cocteau Twins. Oh dear, the little keyboard melody at 1 minute ish is what I might have come up with on my wee Casio keyboard in 1982. That Christmas Day really dragged for my family, I can tell you. Buy the way, this album is available on Vinyl. I might just get it cuz of that colourful cover. But i gotta tell you, the smell in that market wasnt for the faint hearted. 2/10

Track 8 Pet Uno. The strange thing is, the chicks nearest the camera on the cover shot are acturarry out of focus. I think that's a thread that runs through this whole project. Grounders seem like the sort of band who play at eachothers' weddings. A nice little earner if you think about it. I think that's how (insert band who have over 10 members) managed to cut out a living on the road for so long. 1/10

Track 9 No Ringer. When is this all going to end? More synths, found sounds (not), There are around 10 Billion people in China, and I bet you right now, not one of them will own a physical copy of this record. Ever. I'm only counting real Chinese people. Not torontians who've gone there to teach
Canadian English. 2/10

That's ended.

Modern Life
Modern Life
Price: £5.99

1 of 31 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Bob Who?, 13 Oct. 2014
This review is from: Modern Life (Audio CD)
Erm, That'll be Bob Shennan. Not a name that many will know, but a man who is partly responsible for London street entertainer Si Cranstoun being given a chance at the big time.

Bob was educated at Cambridge, naturally, and after a solid career in broadcasting he was given the role of BBC Radio2 controller in 2009, following the Russell Brand controversy. His job, it became apparent, was to strip any remaining edginess from the fixtures and fittings and turn the station into an utter snooze/bore fest, particularly where the playlist was concerned.

Of course, when a station with as huge a listenership as Radio 2 makes a step like this, then struggling record companies are obliged to fit in with the new musical outlook. Have you heard the new music they play on Radio 2 recently? The record companies haven't as much fitted in, as moved in. They're not just playing ball with the BBC, they're making babies! And their babies make the most atrocious noise. Which brings us nicely back to poor old Si.

After all, if your looking for inoffensive talent, where better to look than on a street corner near you. That's right folks, the doors are being locked tight to real talent. The powers that be are recruiting from the streets, so that young mrs 2.5 children and her, erm, children's ears are not in danger of hearing a lyric any more risqué than "Caught in the moonlight, the stars are so bright, And it feels so right let me tell ya, You should never go home when you could stay with me, But it's clear to see, That you're caught up in the moonlight now." Actually that's a little risque, but that's not the real issue..

It's the sound. THAT sound. Countless acts being played on the station in question have the exact same sound. And it's all thanks to Bob. Or maybe we should point the finger at Russell? Thanks, whoever it was.
Comment Comments (10) | Permalink | Most recent comment: May 18, 2015 1:41 AM BST

Clips of the Week: Best Bloopers from TalkSport
Clips of the Week: Best Bloopers from TalkSport
by Andy Jacobs
Edition: Hardcover
Price: £9.98

1 of 20 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Wait and buy it next Christmas when it's 1p, 4 Dec. 2013
If you really have to anyway. Luckily I didn't have to buy it at all, as my mate Fernando got given a copy by someone he knew in publishing. 'Nando gave it straight to me without even opening it, but me, knowing all about the rubbish that H & J peddle on their radio show, couldn't resist taking a look at this car crash of a book. Let me warn you first of all, if you're not someone who sits and listens to their radio show day in day out, or if you had no previous awareness of Hawksbee & Jacobs, then you will find no joy in this book whatsoever. This book is squarely aimed at those who have enjoyed listening to the Clips Of The Week feature over the years. I should say, the reason that this is the most popular feature on the H&J show, is that it's the only part of the show when H&J don't talk, other than to introduce the clips themselves.
It's fair to say that H&J have been hanging on to their Talksport gig by their fingernails for a while now. Since being dropped from the high profile drivetime slot several years ago due to tumbling listening figures, they've been delivering their unintelligible drivel between 1-4pm. If you haven't heard their show, the formula is very simple. Hawksbee tells Jacobs something that he's read in the tabloids that tickles him, or a story he's heard via another media outlet, at which point Jacobs turns on the laughing gas, and they both giggle like 2 teenage girls on a bus full of nuns. Essential listening it isn't. The irony of this book is that it's about all the gaffs that occur on other Talksport shows. The biggest joke on Talksport is that this pair got their own show in the first place.
One more word of warning. The Clips Of The Week feature has reached the point where other presenters feel they are doing something wrong if they DON'T appear on the feature. The station maybe aimed at the uneducated, as well as presented by them, but are we really expected to believe that last week on Talksport, Stan Collymore unwittingly told listeners that he and his co-commentator Sam Matterface were sitting in the bell-end of the stand? Clearly an intentional blooper to ensure an appearance on COTW.. What he meant to say was, I'm sitting next to a bell-end.
We feel your pain Stan, believe me.
Oh, and the COTW feature just doesn't work at all in book form. Try Tom O'Connors memoirs if you want a real Christmas giggle. Only 1p plus P&P.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 5, 2013 8:48 AM GMT

The Best of Keane
The Best of Keane
Offered by mrtopseller
Price: £3.65

5 of 80 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Celebrating ten years of quality music?, 11 Nov. 2013
This review is from: The Best of Keane (Audio CD)
Rather refreshing to see a record company telling it like it is. 18 career defining tracks, they say. Not 18 classic hits, or even 18 hits. Nope, just 18 career defining tracks. So the definition of this band is 3 or 4 hits that you no doubt still hear everyday if you listen to local commercial radio, 3 of which came from their first album, followed by a load of dribble and b-sides? Sounds about right to me.
Comment Comments (13) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jun 6, 2015 5:57 PM BST

The Marshall Mathers LP 2
The Marshall Mathers LP 2
Offered by mrtopseller
Price: £3.50

7 of 29 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Will he ever grow up?, 7 Nov. 2013
The worst thing about this album (and to be fair, it's not em's fault) is that theyve called it MMLP2 to fool the youngsters into thinking it's a return to form. I know times are hard for the industry, but this is tantamount to thieving a kids lunch money in the queue.
I've listened to this album, and it's terrible. But kids, I know why your gonna get angry at me saying that, and I understand, but look at yourselves, you're just kids. What do you possibly know about art?

Eminem is no longer relevant. Why do you think Dre is only credited as executive producer? That means he had nothing to do with this release. Reason? Well, take a listen!

MM is dead.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Nov 11, 2013 10:44 AM GMT

Price: £16.12

2 of 35 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars An absolute shocker, 3 Oct. 2013
This review is from: INNOCENTS (Audio CD)
Moby is terrible, just terrible, and this album is one long unimaginative drone. The cover art looks impressive, but what's inside is an absolute affront to all that's glorious about music. Moby is nothing but a knob twiddler who's read a few classic novels. Pants.
Comment Comments (5) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Mar 22, 2014 1:35 PM GMT

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