Being a career criminal, extortionist, and blackmailer, i take great pride in the threatening letters I dispatch to my victims and their immediate family. For years I have used my own blood, because it's always handy.

Recently however, advances in DNA profiling have meant that I've had to consider other mediums as an alternative writing material. My wife has been at me for years to get one of these 'pen's that I'd often heard mentioned, but I thought that they were just a load of old nonsense for those soft 'city' types. I had seen people using them in the moving pictures, and I refuse to be drawn in by 'fads'.

Putting my skepticism aside for a moment, I decided to invest in one of these pens, and went in search of an appropriate model. Being a shrewd investor, I sensed that the Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen, Medium Point, Black might be a good choice. Firstly the ink color, black, appealed to me. The night is black, ravens are black, black pudding is black. And black pudding is black because of the blood in it. As mentioned previously, blood was my writing medium of choice, but if I could acquire a pen that offered the convenience of a pen, and without the light headedness and iron deficiency associated with regular blood writing, then I was on to a winner. I figure that the black ink will still have the desired effect when my clients read it, because they will still think it's blood, only *dried* blood. Which is arguably even more dramatic. "How did he write with dried blood? Why is his blood so dry to begin with? Maybe he's thirsty. Why is he bothering sending me this letter when he's so thirsty? He must *really* want his money if he's going to so much bother when he's so clearly thirsty. It'd be best if I just paid him. Maybe he could buy some orange juice with the money. Perhaps I'll leave a bottle of it with the money for him, poor chap."

In short, now that I'm a biro 'convert'. I shant be looking back.