16 of 22 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Before I had children I would have agreed with this, 11 Jun 2013
There are two problems with this. The first is the premise that Kohn bases his whole argument on - namely that if you set any kind of limits then your kid will think you don't love them. Which I personally think is rubbish. On the contrary, kids seem to prefer having boundaries and respect adults who are authoritative. Think back to the weak teacher at school who couldn't control the class. You didn't like or respect him - you despised him.
The second problem is the fact that reason doesn't actually have any effect on kids behaviour. Reason might work on some kids, the ones who naturally want to please, but for most kids (and a fair few adults) I suspect it doesn't. Just knowing that something is wrong or stupid does not make people refrain from doing it. If it were the case no one would ever take up smoking.
Anyhow, we threw away the tedious reward charts and tried 'love and reason' for about 6 months with my 4 and 5 year old boys. I reasoned and loved until I was blue in the face. The kids ran absolutely amok. They understood the 'reasons' but didn't give a hoot. I thought my eldest boy must be 'discouraged' or 'unhappy' in some way to be behaving so awfully so I resolved to be nicer. He turned into a monster and had tantrums at the slightest thing. The household descended into chaos. The kids were so unruly that I didn't like spending time with them and our whole family suffered.
So yeah, thanks for that, Alfie. Looking back, I think people should probably only take advice from proper experts in child psychology.
I have now printed off some reward charts. I asked my eldest boy, "Should we go back to the reward charts?" And he said yes.