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Reviews Written by
C. N. Sandford "csandford2" (West Sussex UK)

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Jo Malone lime basil & mandarin Travel Candle
Jo Malone lime basil & mandarin Travel Candle
Offered by House of Dreams
Price: £35.95

5.0 out of 5 stars As Decadent as Burning Fivers, 24 Nov. 2015
Light this luxurious candle, sit back, relax and smell thirty five quid's worth of your hard earned money just melt away.

Adnams Single Malt No 1 Single Malt Whisky
Adnams Single Malt No 1 Single Malt Whisky
Offered by Dram Good Drinks
Price: £58.18

2.0 out of 5 stars Doesn't Compare and Very Expensive, 23 Nov. 2015
This whisky is unrefined and overpriced by Amazon (and Adnams at their brewery shop). It doesn't stand up in flavor terms to any half decent single malt Scotches that I know and many decent blends surpass it also. It's lacking in any fruit or tonal qualities and is quite bland.

World War Z Export Edition
World War Z Export Edition
by Brooks Max
Edition: Paperback
Price: £5.99

1.0 out of 5 stars Zzzzzzzzzz, 16 Nov. 2015
About half way through this book you may suddenly say to yourself; "what on earth am I reading this for?". You may then put the book down, stare at it for a minute before getting up and doing something else.

Gran Torino [DVD] [2009]
Gran Torino [DVD] [2009]
Dvd ~ Clint Eastwood
Offered by best_value_entertainment
Price: £2.97

1.0 out of 5 stars Big Yawn, 16 Nov. 2015
This review is from: Gran Torino [DVD] [2009] (DVD)
Nothing happens in this movie. It's very boring. Honestly it really is. And the improvised dialogue on top of the untrained supporting actors was a big mistake. They're awful.

Legend [DVD]
Legend [DVD]
Dvd ~ Tom Hardy
Price: £9.99

0 of 5 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Criminally Bad, 16 Nov. 2015
This review is from: Legend [DVD] (DVD)
Tom Hardy’s portrayal of Reggie Kray is that of a pouting squeaky-voiced lover-boy in this dire effort at a Kray twins biopic. Hardy’s Ronnie Kray is similarly ridiculous; this time presented as some sort of cuddly but psychotic uncle given to mystical ramblings which may or may not betray some kind of inner genius. In reality, the Krays were just plain ugly inside and out. A pair of close to Neanderthal lookalikes who bludgeoned their way to a mediocre level of notoriety at the time and who have since had their gangsterly deeds magnified by movies such as this and by second-rate pulp-bios from inarticulate distant relations which are in turn, consumed with masturbatory fervor by grown men who still live with their parents.

In Legend, the Krays are surrounded by a team of largely silent brillcream sidekicks all of whom seem to make up the numbers and simply nod or mumble in agreement with whatever the twins are saying. This is presumably because the audience is supposed to be entranced by the magic of two on-screen Tom Hardys, each in nervous and obvious choreograph as the other delivers his lines. Lines that by the way, are often more redolent of “Phone Shop” than the east end of some 40 years before. Indeed Reggie is constantly telling us “I got dis” or “f*** dat” to explain his feelings, although to give credit, he does just about stop short of using “well sick innit” as he shins his way up a drain pipe Romeo-style to deliver flowers to his beloved Francis (yes, he really does).

Legend is duff, often highly embarrassing (what on earth is the Trumpet scene all about?) and extremely confused about what it is and what it’s trying to say. One minute the audience is cajoled into uneasy chuckles by that bumbling rogue Ronnie and the next we’re invited to look on as Reggie rapes and beats his woman towards an early suicidal death. Legend is also long winded and often very boring. The actual gangster scenes come a long way apart and there’s very little to hold interest in between - perhaps use this down-time to explain a little bit more about what’s actually going on? What we get instead is a style-over-substance re-telling of a nasty low-life story which (with the exception of Francis) ignores the truth about pain, violence and intimidation and instead tries to bring chuckles and glamour to an audience who wants these things rather than stark reality. The Kemps version, though flawed was infinitely better than this. Darker, with competent acting and coherent arch of narrative. Legend is just criminally dull and ruthlessly awful; the final act of extortion for me came at the cinema when I realized how much I’d paid to see it.

Pig Island
Pig Island
by Mo Hayder
Edition: Paperback
Price: £7.99

1.0 out of 5 stars Pig Ugly Read, 12 Nov. 2015
This review is from: Pig Island (Paperback)
Pig of a book.

Phone Shop - Series 1 & 2 Boxset [DVD]
Phone Shop - Series 1 & 2 Boxset [DVD]
Dvd ~ Tom Bennett
Price: £11.63

5.0 out of 5 stars Wot's man's hair sayin'?, 15 Oct. 2015
Completely madcap and surreal but also beautifully balanced and observed. Like man say's below, Phone Shop is overlooked excellence and belongs at the top of Brit comedy with the likes of Porridge, Dad's Army, The Office, Boosh, Brass Eye etc - y'get me?

Chromecast User's Manual Streaming Media Setup Guide with extra tips & tricks!
Chromecast User's Manual Streaming Media Setup Guide with extra tips & tricks!
by Shelby Johnson
Edition: Paperback
Price: £3.33

1 of 4 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Thickhead, 23 Mar. 2015
If you need to read a guide to work Chromecast you will doubtless have the intellect of a Nats rectum.

World War Z [Blu-ray] [Region Free]
World War Z [Blu-ray] [Region Free]
Dvd ~ Brad Pitt
Price: £4.75

1 of 3 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Shambling Brainless Nightmare (and that's not the Zombies), 3 Mar. 2015
Firstly my one and only defence of World War Z. Some reviewers complain that the camera is often panned too far back to take in the wider scenes of urban panic and destruction rather than giving us a close-up gore fest. The reason for this is Forster is following the book's visualisation of zombies, often depicting them as one mass body or an infestation of rampaging hoards. As such, a cinematic or "epic" approach is rightfully employed over the standard horror genre.
That's the only kind thing I can say though because World War Z is a without doubt, a really dreadful movie. It is either an example of 1) how a movie can go really badly wrong in the making so that it becomes too expensive to rescue in the edit or 2) an intentionally dumbed-down, CGI-effects laden placebo, spoon-fed to a gullible and easily pleased audience who don't want credibility and just want to be entertained by sounds and colours.

World War Z is silly, not credible, incoherent, vacuous, un-impressive, devoid of emotion, devoid of characterisation and devoid of thrills. It is as if the producers have allowed a very confused and excitable primate to write, direct and then edit the whole thing and if you think I'm being too strong here and WWZ is better than that, then you're probably on a mental par with said primate and should perhaps be swinging from a tyre somewhere while angrily flinging your own poo at gawking school children.

Here then is the fanciful, more holes than a Swiss cheese, plot. After their initial flight from a zombie-besieged New York, Brad Pitt and family (who become completely incidental after 20 minutes) get holed-up in a New Jersey apartment block before being conveniently air-lifted from the roof whilst everyone else in the Garden State gets their bits chewed off by the advancing un-dead. Pitt, you see, is some kind of retired UN crisis expert and as such, he and his family are whisked away to the safety of a Navy carrier from where he's able to commandeer an aircraft which he uses to fly to the other side of the world (South Korea) in order to investigate the origins of the Zombie plague.

With him he takes a 13 year old doctor. OK, the doctor is not 13 but he just looks it and somehow, because he's a genius, he's able to adeptly sum up the global problem in one sentence of shrewd analogy which proves his brilliance without having to go to the trouble of demonstrating that he's the man for the job. But, once we've swallowed this hard morsel of condensed story-telling, suddenly comes the first huge absurdity of the movie. Here, the boy-genius, at the first sight of a Korean zombie, slips on the aircraft gangway, falls and shoots himself in the head with the meagre handgun he's been equipped with. And that's it! He's introduced, he goes up in the air, he lands and with no irony at all, he blows his own brains out. Why? Why does this happen? Could it actually be a subliminal message to the viewer that they are about to suffer a comparable experience? Maybe! Maybe it is! Damn that sh!t tossing ape, he's cleverer than I thought!

Following the doctor's untimely and meaningless death they're off flying again (after defeating the local zombies... by riding bicycles around them) and this time, it's to Israel. Now Israel, once one of the world's most paranoid and security savvy nations has undergone a policy change and is welcoming non-zombie refugees from any country (including Palestine) so they can all live safely within its high-walled enclaves. Pitt has heard about these marvellous defences and arrives to witness a joyous scene of multicultural harmony as the immigrants are ushered in. But joy is short-lived as within 15 minutes of Pitt's arrival, the zombies suddenly master the art of human (sorry undead) pyramids and begin flinging themselves over the wall and into the compound. Cue the obvious carnage but, what insightful message can we take away from this sequence? What is Washo the scriptwriting chimp trying to convey to us here? Is he saying that the only way Jew and Arab will ever come together in peace is following a zombie apocalypse? This isn't insulting at all. This is astute. Kofi Annan are you watching?

Unluckily for us, Pitt escapes again but this time with a young female Israeli Soldier (who's had her hand chopped off by the gracious Pitt in order to prevent the zombie infection) and now they're aboard another air liner! After a somewhat tumultuous flight where the entire economy class section of the plane goes rabid (no such riff-raff in first class) they crash land in.... Cardiff. Pitt is of course found sitting up in the wreckage with a large piece of shrapnel passed through his body. But he's soon over that and quickly locates the only other survivor who is of course, the female soldier. They stumble away from the mangled wreckage leaving behind the image of one mad zombie trapped in her seat, endlessly thrashing with berserk frustration; probably very similar to anyone who'd paid to see WWZ at the cinema.

Through the terrifying streets of Cardiff they trawl, passing twitching suburban net curtains (probably the only accurate depiction of a location in the entire movie) until they find the laboratories of the World Health Organisation! Night falls as they enter. Cue the Cicadas... yes, in Cardiff. Inside the WHO building lives a diehard group of scientists busily trying to save the world but it's Pitt who educates them properly by explaining that he's cracked it and that only by self-infecting with a nasty virus or two, can humans survive in the presence of the zombies. Yes, the whiff of smallpox has the effect of removing the zombies' meat goggles and makes them steer well clear. Pitt needs to get hold of a really nasty virus and for this he must get into a zombie infested part of the lab. He makes it. He finds the cleaner's cupboard which has a box on a shelf with all the nasty germs of the world, all wobbling around in their vials together like a crate of milk. But suddenly he's trapped by a zombie; A ridiculous beaver-faced, cadaver, pecking about like an oversized cockerel on the other side of the glass. Pitt, grabs the blackest looking vial and injects the contents into his veins allowing him to escape the lab and then save the world while easily surviving a virus that's capable of wiping out millions. And that is more or less the end! Yes, it just finishes like that. Pitt is reunited with his family while he monologues a tedious message (in some weak parallel to Morgan Freeman's words at the end of War of Worlds) about this being "only the beginning".

Just do not bother to catch up with this film which is hokum of the highest order. I can't imagine what the producers were thinking when they elevated the already incredible subject matter of a zombie apocalypse into the realms of Harry Potter and beyond. It is that awful and Pitt himself should be ashamed of his totally in-plausible heroics that rot this movie through from the inside out. The final sadness is that we are not even saved by the effects or the zombies, neither of which carry any impact at all. The creatures themselves are totally un-scary. They have no visceral impact whatsoever and in fact have set the zombie genre back a good 20 years. From the way they move, to the make-up, to the transformation, to the silly chomping actions they are totally unimpressive and quite often verging on the comical. Try something like Charlie Brooker's Dead Set for a far more bleakly comical approach to this kind of thing.
Comment Comments (4) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Mar 11, 2015 7:57 AM GMT

Real Hope
Real Hope
Price: £0.99

1.0 out of 5 stars Chance Missed, 19 Dec. 2014
This review is from: Real Hope (MP3 Download)
Quite ironic that a song meaning to take a swipe at X-factor etc actually isn't very good itself. I'm not an X-factor fan but neither am I a fan of this. Umpah dullness with blunt lyrics delivered poorly, this track misses it's chance to lampoon it's target (which should have been easy) and because it's so dull it will remain confined to daytime Radio 2 where it is rendered a little pointless.

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