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Johnathon Recon Pylon (Honduras)

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The Definitive Guide to Betting on Football (Racing Post Expert Series)
The Definitive Guide to Betting on Football (Racing Post Expert Series)
by Kevin Pullein
Edition: Paperback
Price: £9.99

4 of 11 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Should Kevin Pullein Be Sectioned?, 21 Aug. 2013
Kevin Pullein is in the wrong business. There, I said it. But this is not a criticism - he has such a way with words that he's wasted as a mere tipster. A career as a government spin doctor is surely more his thing - he even looks the part, with his grey goatee (that he strokes whilst thinking of yet more bland football statistics he dedicates large swathes of text to).

I say this from experience. At a loose end one night, I stumbled into a bookmakers, and after blowing £200 on the greyhounds I read the Racing Post, desperate for a tip to win my money back. And it was there I found Kevin, whose kind words and beautiful prose, over the course of multiple paragraphs, convinced me that AS Bari were absolute certainties at home to some other Serie B side. Convinced of this outcome, I lumped on, went home, and went to bed.

The next day I was in shock. A final score of 1-1. How could he be wrong? His advert for football tips described him as "feared" by the betting industry! I was at least thankful I hadn't spent a fortune ringing up his premium tipline.

Wondering if this was simply a blip, I took to reading his Racing Post articles whenever possible, and a pattern emerged. He'd use diagrams, graphs, bar charts, and statistics to prove something would definitely occur, only for it not to occur. Using my detective skills, I googled his name, and multiple forums appeared - all of them criticising his abysmal tipping. The best of which asked the question "should Kevin Pullein be sectioned?"

You may think this is a harsh outcome. But it isn't just his terrible tips - Kevin is a man who dedicates paragraphs and charts to explain what you already know. He once expertly pointed out that playing against 10 men is indeed easier than playing against 11, he's bizarrely written that teams need fewer English players to succeed, and today he's used a scatter diagram to show that the more a team spends on players, the more league points they get. In general. But not all of the time.

With such insight, maybe he really should go for a job in government after all...
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Oct 11, 2014 12:04 PM BST

5 Star Pencil with Eraser HB Red Barrel [Pack 12]
5 Star Pencil with Eraser HB Red Barrel [Pack 12]
Offered by Aiwa Fortis Ltd
Price: £1.39

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect for a trip to space!, 8 Aug. 2013
Legend has it that NASA famously spent millions of dollars developing a pen that would work in space. The ever resourceful Russian, meanwhile, used a pencil.

Whether they used these exact pencils, however, is unlikely. For a start, the HB lettering isn't Cyrillic, and with the Soviets wishing to create pencil drawings of the Earth from orbit, they'd have wanted to ensure they used the right grade of pencil at the very least.

As with all pencils, you can use these to write down things, or even draw things - and the added rubber allows you to correct any mistakes you make. Technology at its finest. It should be noted, however, that you will need paper of some kind in order to do so. Those wishing to add detail to their cars or bodies should look elsewhere.

Luis Suarez Celebrity Cardboard Face Mask
Luis Suarez Celebrity Cardboard Face Mask

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Scary Stuff, 18 Oct. 2012
I recently bought this for Halloween, but when testing the mask out it appeared to meld itself to my face, and I was unable to remove it.

The next thing I remembered was waking up in a prison cell the next day, eventually establishing from the guards that I'd been arrested for running down the street screaming racist abuse at passers by and hurling myself away from cars clutching my ankles as if clipped. CCTV footage conclusively proved no contact had ever been made. I vaguely remember being a bit peckish at one point and biting a pedestrian's neck...

I did eventually get released, however. This was achieved simply by using the mask again, and using my heritage as a black South American to excuse all my actions. A few guys in the cells were Scousers (they'd nicked some hubcaps), and they backed me up by wearing t-shirts.

All in all, a scary product. Wear at your peril.

JJ Cole Bundleme Footmuff in Graphite- Infant
JJ Cole Bundleme Footmuff in Graphite- Infant
Offered by tablet_books
Price: £29.99

5 of 39 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Good, but no Porsche 944, 14 May 2012
I was married once. But marriage is difficult, especially when your other half demands you spend over £4000 on a JJ Cole Original Infant Bundleme for your children, and that you spend less time destroying the enemy on Modern Warfare. I filed for divorce the next day, citing stress. And though she got half of everything, that defeat felt a shedload better than spending thousands on a baby carrying device.

That money was better spent on a Porsche 944. And whilst my kid is no doubt comfy and warm in the Bundleme, I was comfy and warm in the coupe. And I could do 0-60 in under 4 seconds. The Bundleme cannot achieve that.

Unless, of course, it's in said 944.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 4, 2012 7:33 AM GMT

9000 BTU Air Conditioner with Heater
9000 BTU Air Conditioner with Heater

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent for any volcanic doom fortresses, 14 May 2012
Construction of my top secret volcanic Doom Fortress began in October 2008, using the millions I'd made from electricity royalties. Electricity's a pretty useful commodity, and my pylons help move it around the country, earning me a fortune. Incidentally, this 9000 BTU Air Conditioner also uses electricity, so when I switch it on, I'm making myself money at the same time. Eat that, Carlos Slim.

And when I say "it", I really mean "them". Being a Doom Fortress, the place is huge. And being in a volcano, it's pretty warm. And rather than search high and low for a good value air conditioner, I jumped on Amazon, sorted the air conditioning units by value, and bought three hundred of the dearest one. John Hammond famously "spared no expense" when creating Jurassic Park, and Johnny Pylon is following suit. Though hopefully without the project collapsing as spectacularly as Hammond's did.

The unit itself is big and bulky, but looks both imposing and stylish when inset into the walls at five meter intervals, making it perfect for any underground lair. It's possible to link them all up to a central hub too, and boy, when they're all firing at full force, even molten lava cools down to solidified rock. They do double as heaters, but naturally I've had no need for such a function. In all, a brilliant product that all up and coming overlords would be foolish to overlook.

Li-Lo Leisure Siesta Lounger
Li-Lo Leisure Siesta Lounger

13 of 21 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars This object is not 99942 Apophis, 8 May 2012
Currently residing in Edinburgh, I have little need for an item such as this. Scotland gets about as much sunlight as the Marianas Trench, and whenever that mysterious round ball of fire appears in the sky the natives run outside pointing and screaming about the end of the world. Only when they realise that the object isn't 99942 Apophis (the asteroid formerly known as 2004 MN4, on a collision course with Earth) do they pillage the nearest Scotmid of disposable barbeques and Tennent's and make use of the weather, before the haar cometh.

Regardless, one has to plan ahead. "Fail to prepare, prepare to fail," Plato may or may not have once claimed. And in that vein, I took advantage of a seductive Amazon deal to bring the Li-Lo Leisure Siesta Lounger to my tenement flat. The flat, rented by the useless letting company Alba, is best described as "grim", and comes without balcony or garden - resulting in the lounger taking pride of place in the living room. It's nowhere near as comfy as a couch, but it is a lot cheaper. And waterproof too - protecting it from beers, IRN BRU, and battered Mars bars alike.

It does, however, have its drawbacks. As mentioned, it isn't the most comfortable of loungers out there, and its angle of reclinement doesn't aid in television viewing. And unlike a sofa, it'd be difficult to get more than one person on this. In those respects, I'd struggle to fully recommend this - but it's a great deal, and you never know, you might get hit by an asteroid tomorrow...

Oral-B Floss Action Electric Toothbrush Replacement Heads - 4 Counts
Oral-B Floss Action Electric Toothbrush Replacement Heads - 4 Counts
Price: £12.46

13 of 55 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Great for the garden, 25 April 2012
I'm the type of person who can become quickly addicted to things. I once binged on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for five months, with very little sleep - existing on Red Bulls and Rustlers whilst attempting to become the master of the Grenade Launcher, Thumper, Claymore, and RPG grief-fest class I'd created. This had mixed results. It did my body and mind very little good, but it did work wonders for saving money. And I managed to keep hold of a positive kill/death ratio...!

So one can only worry at what lies in store for me now my brain has switched to "Amazon" mode. The other week I bought everything this place recommended to me, and I'm now the proud owner of a classical piano piece in digital format, a pink 1/2 size guitar, and now this gem - the "Braun Oral-B EB25-4 Floss Action Replacement Rechargeable Toothbrush Heads 4-Pack!"

Unbeknownst to me at the time, this item does require a Braun Oral-B toothbrush, and having run my bank account dry I was unable to acquire one. However, the toothbrush heads are beautifully made, and I made use of them by planting them in my front lawn. This attracted a local newspaper onto the scene, but after giving a thoroughly entertaining and insightful interview I was disgusted to see the piece occupying a mere side-column under the heading "Wrong Tooth-Place for Village Loon"...

Moral of the story? Don't talk to strangers. And if you wish to buy the EB25-4 toothbrush heads, make sure you get the toothbrush as well.
Comment Comments (2) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Sep 3, 2012 9:17 PM BST

World of Data® Shaving Adaptor/PLug UK Standard
World of Data® Shaving Adaptor/PLug UK Standard
Offered by CKONE
Price: £1.30

5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars One shaving adaptor to rule them all, 23 April 2012
Despite its square, blocky shape; and "bland", matte white exterior, the "Shaving Adaptor/PLug UK Standard" [sic] is an item of much interest. Ranging from a penny almost thirty pounds, and receiving rave reviews from some critics, but barracked from other quarters - it's as divisive an item as Amazon's ever seen.

How such an item can come to such prominance is unusual, but not unknown. After all, a simple golden ring caused the entirety of Middle Earth to up arms and go to war. Even the peaceful (and some may say, boring) Ents eventually got in on the action, trashing Sir Christopher Lee's gothic Doom Tower that he'd invested quite some time in building... In my opinion, that was going a little too far - compounding the poor man's misery after he'd been cut from the final Lord of the Rings film entirely. Kicking a man when he's down indeed.

Incidentally, many in Middle Earth could have done with this adaptor. Sauron was rumoured to have banned all exports of it from Mordor - and the effects of this ban were widespread. Gandalf the Grey/White and the aforementioned Christopher Lee being forced to take up wizarding jobs to make use of their phenomenal beards.

And back to the item. In reality, it does what it says it will. It does this brutally and efficiently. It's the Chairman Mao of shaving adaptors in that respect. And if you try to use this underwater, it too can kill you.

Schoenberg: Sechs kleine Klavierstücke, Op.19 - No.4 - Rasch, aber leicht
Schoenberg: Sechs kleine Klavierstücke, Op.19 - No.4 - Rasch, aber leicht
Price: £0.39

3.0 out of 5 stars A mixed bag, 23 April 2012
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
I once met Maurizio Pollini whilst queuing for the IRN BRU Revolution at Blackpool Pleasure Beach in 2003. As anyone who's been on that ride will tell you - the queue is the scariest part, a rickety staircase seemingly built at the last minute, once the engineers responsible for the ride noticed they'd built the entrance fifty feet above the ground. Evidently they'd never played RollerCoaster Tycoon properly.

That miserable day at the seaside was enlightened by chatting to Pollini. We laughed and smiled over discussions of his previous versions of Chopin's Etude op 25 No 12 in C minor, and about the time I'd heard him hit an A# instead of a B whilst playing in Munich. That point was met with tears, actually. A man of perfection, old Maurizio!

I asked him if he'd found fortune doing what he loved. The response was mixed. Enough to live comfortably, but not enough for the Atlantis II Super Yacht he'd always dreamed of. Being partially involved in the advertising sector myself, I can't help but feel that some of his works lack a clear definition - a clear title. After all, the chance of a piece entitled "Sechs kleine Klavierstücke, Op.19 - No.4 - Rasch, aber leicht" making it into the charts is unlikely. Yet it's a beautiful piece, played to perfection by this wizard of the keys.

If only he'd called it the IRN BRU... He'd have a chart-topper on his hands. And a Super Yacht beneath his feet.

Music Alley Junior Guitar - Pink for ages 3-7
Music Alley Junior Guitar - Pink for ages 3-7

3 of 5 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A "must buy" for everyone!, 23 April 2012
Although by "everyone", I really mean children (or dwarves, incidentally). And probably girls. If you're a boy, it'd be a pretty bold statement buying a pink guitar. You'd have to be able to pull that off with some killer solos. And if you're that good, the included CD and tutor book would be going to waste... An Oxfam store nearby would be most grateful though, I'm sure. Or Shelter - the choice is yours!

For the price-conscious parents of sons who want this, yet do not wish to be ridiculed, another option is to build a time-machine. Before Victorian-era Britain, pink was indeed considered a manly colour, and such times would help him fit in perfectly, with the added bonuses of being able to show off your latest iPads to factory owners, with hilarious results! Though charging them would be difficult. Furthermore, investing great amounts of time and money into a time travel project would not be a waste, since upon completion, you could travel back to the start again.

Back to the past again - the guitar was invented in the Renaissance, but historians have struggled to pinpoint exactly when - indeed, even the mighty Wikipedia has no exact date. I prefer to go along with the legend that Joseph Stalin invented it, using it as a motivational tool for the troops in the battle of Stalingrad during WWII. And as the brilliant Tony Wilson (supposedly said) "When you have to choose between the truth and the legend, print the legend." Somewhat ironically, that was a misquote.

He also said the "Music Alley 1/2 Size Junior Guitar" was one of the greatest guitars he'd ever seen - and though reports of Factory Records' bankruptcy were attributed to the Happy Mondays' expensive drug habits, it was actually attributable to Peter Hook's decision to import 4300 of these guitars into Manchester using Factory's accounts. Not wishing to ruin the reputation of Music Alley, the Mondays took the blame.

If you're lucky, you may get one of the thousands previously owned by Factory Records. I'm told they were all imprinted with Factory's usual index system, using the numbers FAC10001 upwards. And so, I can't recommend this highly enough. A beautiful guitar for any person (with the stipulations above) in any time period. Go forth and rock!
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 5, 2012 1:23 PM GMT

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