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Crookedmouth ":-/" (Somewhere in the Jurassic...)

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Ashers Highland Single Malt Whisky Cake 180g/6oz
Ashers Highland Single Malt Whisky Cake 180g/6oz
Offered by Emporium Cookshop & Homewares
Price: £7.95

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars och the noo, 30 Oct 2014
Absolutely lovely little cake. Rich, moist and with a tangily decadent whisky flavour, this is an ideal addition to a Christmas hamper or stocking. It IS very small though and you will barely manage to get more than two servings out of it.


Senfloco Men's Sexy Mesh G-String Thong (Purple)
Senfloco Men's Sexy Mesh G-String Thong (Purple)
Offered by Donner-UK
Price: £5.99

4 of 6 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Thong thung blue, everybody loveth one, 30 Oct 2014
Captain, as I am, of The Willow's Country Club Tennis Team, I consider it my duty to set a decent example of gentlemanly behaviour and sportsmanlike conduct at all times. I have noticed a tendency amongst the younger professional player to indulge in less acceptable behaviors. That Scottish fellow, for instance... Murray. Well known for his loutish antics, better suited to the soccer pitch. His latest trick seems to be to let his balls pop out, whether by accident or design, to the great consternation of the spectators and the distraction of his opponent. Not what one would have expected of previous generations; MacEnroe, Nastaze, Connors took great pains to keep their balls under control at all times and you would certainly never expect to have seen that fellow Navratilova's balls in the middle of a hard - fought set on Centre Court.

Well, you can barely imagine my embarrassment when it happened to me! It was during a mixed match with Miss Fanshawe of our under -21s. We were both at Love when I slipped a particularly vigorous service right into her baseline and lost both my balls. I was crestfallen to see my balls bouncing off down the court, coming to rest at the base of the umpire's stool. Miss F was jolly decent about it, retrieving my balls herself and kindly popping them back into my shorts. I was most impressed at her composure, and her dexterous, gentle hands. She took my next service right up her tramline and with the greatest aplomb.

Resolving never to lose my balls on court again, I availed myself of this ball pouch. Available in a range of gay colours, it is tied around one's waist with a length of sturdy elastic and is just the right size to secure both of my balls which are, if you're interested, of International Tennis Federation regulation diameter 2.7" (plus or minus an eighth of an inch or two, depending on ambient temperature). Even during the most athletic matchplay sessions with our younger members I can be confident that my balls will be securely held, free from chaffage and excessive shuffle, never again to fall out at critical moments. The material is perforated, allowing my balls to breathe, ensuring predictable bounce and spin. Admittedly, when playing with my newest balls, the fuzz does tend to poke through the perforations, but one can't have everything, can one?

Now all I need is a way to stop my penis from flopping out as well.

(Proper review to follow in the comments when it turns up. 28 days delivery!)
Comment Comments (4) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Nov 18, 2014 10:13 PM GMT


The Haunted Vagina
The Haunted Vagina
Price: £3.13

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Fanny by flashlight, 28 Oct 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
After a passionate evening of love-making, Steve's girlfriend's vagina starts making weird, eldritch noises. And when Stacey's ghoulish gash produces a full-sized human skeleton it becomes clear that she has a haunted hole. There's only one thing for it. She persuades him to grab a torch, dive in and do some ghost-busting.

The improbably named and effusively mutton-chopped Carlton Mellick III seems to be a big name in "Bizzarro" fiction, a genre characterised by an extreme surrealism/absurdism. Mellick's work is known for it's hyper-sexual themes, gore and eye-catching titles. It is a huge shame that works such as "Baby-Jesus ButtpIug", "The Morbidly Obese Ninja", "Razor Wire Pubic Hair" and "I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter: A Demonic Romantic Comedy" are unlikely ever to find themselves on Richard and Judy's Summer Reading List.

However, if this offering is anything to go by, Mr Mellick is being under-sold. Ok, it's not exactly the highest of haute fiction, but there's much more to this than is suggested by the trashy title. For a start, this novella is actually rather well written in a sparse, understated way. True enough, there's some extreme explicit and very surreal sex but its neither pornographic nor gratuitous. Instead, The Haunted Vagina is an incongruously mature, intimate and rather poignant (albeit Cronenburgesque) love story. The characters are engagingly sweet and the story deals with some serious sexual themes.

Don't be put off by the title. I wasn't. It was the title (I'm a little ashamed to say) that sold it to me, but I certainly didn't get what I was expecting.

'"I also got you a sleeping bag and some food," she says, "if you want to camp out over night."

'"I'm not camping out in your vagina overnight," I tell her.'


Emhar WW1 British Mk A "Whippet" Medium Tank - 1:72 Plastic Model Kit
Emhar WW1 British Mk A "Whippet" Medium Tank - 1:72 Plastic Model Kit
Offered by Isca Models Ltd
Price: £6.44

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars All tanked up, 19 Oct 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
The Whippet was designed to act as a fast and agile tank to break through enemy lines. The two bus engines gave this 14 ton beast a sprightly 8mph capability. That sounds pretty slow it had a 4mph advantage over the more familiar MkI/II Heavy tank.

This is a relatively simple kit comprising a paltry 18 pieces. The tracks, (the bane of the tank modeller's life) are in this kit molded in solid styrene and are already "attached"*. This really couldn't be simpler to build. The detail is pretty decent too, with engraved panel lines and raised rivets. These latter are a little large to my inexpert eye, but once the kit is painted they will, no doubt, blend into the final finish.

There is a choice of decals - a very simple olive green scheme with either British or German markings.

A rather nice little kit of a less than familiar subject.

* Pay no attention to the other review which says that the tracks come as separate black rubber. They don't


Airfix 1:72 RAF Benevolent Fund BAE Hawk Gift Model Set
Airfix 1:72 RAF Benevolent Fund BAE Hawk Gift Model Set
Price: £12.22

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Faith, Hawk and Charity, 18 Oct 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
The BAe Hawk has acted as the RAF's advanced trainer since 1976 and is also flown by the Red Arrows aerobatic team. This box set gives you the opportunity to paint the Hawk in a paint scheme devised in 2013 by the RAF to publicise the Royal Air Force Benevolent Fund. For every kit sold, Airfix have pledged to donate 50p to the RAFBF.

What you get in the rather larger than normal box is an Airfix Hawk T1 kit, a collection of acxrylic paints suitable for the rather psychedelic scheme (red, white and blue, with cream and grey to finish the details), two brushes (nos 0 & 4), a tube of glue and some decals that allow you to complete the plane in the RAFBF scheme. There is a paint scheme sheet and Airfix's quite distinctive instruction leaflet.

The brushes are quite decent quality, the acrylics will always come in handy and the glue will also make a useful addition to the modelling tool box.

The kit itself comes in four grey styrene sprues (and one clear canopy part) and is rated at Airfix's Skill Level 1 (the easiest skill level). The parts are nicely molded with engraved panel lines of intermediate finesse (some of Airfix's kits have panel lines that Luke Skywalker could fly his X-Wing down). The detailing is pretty good all 'round, and the cockpit interior and undercarriage legs are quite decently represented. Fit is good and there shouldn't be much need for filler or sanding. Some aspects of construction will need some skill - the tailerons and dorsal strakes need to be carefully set with a particular angle off the true (dihedral) and the kit will require a little weight added to the nose if it is to sit on it's own undercarriage. Consequently, I think, the Skill Level 1 is a tad optimistic, especially if you consider the intricate paint scheme which will need a steady hand and eye.

I think this is a really nice kit and it will make a very distinctive stand-out piece in any modeller's collection. The charity connection makes it particularly special.


Airfix 1:72 Scale BBMF Collection Gift Set
Airfix 1:72 Scale BBMF Collection Gift Set
Price: £26.98

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars My god! It's full of aeroplanes!, 18 Oct 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
The Battle of Britain Memorial Flight was formed in 1957 and operates a large number of historic aircraft. Amongst these, Lancaster PA474 is it's most iconic member - one of the two surviving airworthy Lancs in existence. Spitfire MkIIa P7350 is an actual Battle of Britain veteran and Spitfire PRXIX PM631 is the flight's longest serving member.

A real bruiser of a kit, this gift set comes in an enormous box and allows you to build the Mk IIa and PRXIX Spitfires and the Lancaster. You may be tempted, as I first was, to consider that a Spitfires is a Spitfire is a Spitfire and two in one box is a bit much... why not a Hurricane? But actually the MkII and PRXIX are two very different looking aircraft - even down to the colour schemes (green and brown camouflage and photo recce blue). Still and all, it would have been nice to have a Hurri instead of, or as well as, the Spifires.

As for the kits themselves, these are Airfix's more recent versions of these aircraft, and beautifully rendered they are too. The Lancaster in particular has a wealth of internal detail on the cockpit, undercarriage and bomb bays and the gun turrets. The external detailing is great too, including Airfix's now familiar engraved panel lines. There are some extremely fine parts to be added (aerials and the like) and, with 108 construction steps and 236 pieces, this is NOT a kit for the beginner. You will also need a fair bit of display space for the Lanc - the model tops out at 432mm in span - not far shy of half a metre.

Although technically complex, the Lanc builds well with little need for filler or advanced techniques. You will need to drill some holes in the fuselage and do some internal paintwork before you close it all up so careful attention to the instructions is essential.

The two Spits are equally nicely manufactured although, being rather smaller, they are also much easier to build.

There is a nice three 'plane display stand and the kit includes all the paints you will need to finish the models (as well as a tube of glue and two rather nice brushes).

This is a lovely kit and it will keep the modeller of the house occupied well past Christmas and into the New Year. The Lanc is definitely NOT for the newbie though and a little experience is essential.

Five sumptuous, glorious and well-earned stars.
Comment Comments (2) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Oct 18, 2014 9:09 PM BST


Airfix 1:72 Scale RAFBF Design a Hawk Scheme Gift Set
Airfix 1:72 Scale RAFBF Design a Hawk Scheme Gift Set
Price: £12.87

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars All you need to build the model and a charity donation as well!, 16 Oct 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
The BAe Hawk has acted as the RAF's advanced trainer since 1976 and is also flown by the Red Arrows aerobatic team. In 2013 Airfix and the RAF Benevolent Fund held a competition for members of the public to design their own paint scheme for a Hawk aircraft. This box set gives you the opportunity to paint the Hawk in the winning scheme - one that apparently may be adopted by the RAF for one of their aircraft. For every kit sold, Airfix have pledged to donate 50p to the RAFBF.

What you get in the rather larger than normal box is an Airfix Hawk T1 kit, a collection of acxrylic paints suitable for the rather psychedelic scheme (red, blue and black, with cream and grey to finish the details), two brushes (nos 0 & 4), a tube of glue and some decals that allow you to complete the plane in the competition winning scheme or a slightly modified RAF markings version. There is a paint scheme sheet and Airfix's quite distinctive instruction leaflet.

The brushes are quite decent quality, the acrylics will always come in handy and the glue will also make a useful addition to the modelling tool box.

The kit itself comes in four grey styrene sprues (and one clear canopy part) and is rated at Airfix's Skill Level 1 (the easiest skill level). The parts are nicely molded with engraved panel lines of intermediate finesse (some of Airfix's kits have panel lines that Luke Skywalker could fly his X-Wing down). The detailing is pretty good all 'round, and the cockpit interior and undercarriage legs are quite decently represented. Fit is good and there shouldn't be much need for filler or sanding. Some aspects of construction will need some skill - the tailerons and dorsal strakes need to be carefully set with a particular angle off the true (dihedral) and the kit will require a little weight added to the nose if it is to sit on it's own undercarriage. Consequently, I think, the Skill Level 1 is a tad optimistic, especially if you consider the intricate paint scheme which will need a steady hand and eye.

I think this is a really nice kit and it will make a very distinctive stand-out piece in any modeller's collection. The charity connection makes it particularly special, although 50p out of a £13 kit feels a little bit stingy.


Airfix Quick Build Challenger Tank Model Kit
Airfix Quick Build Challenger Tank Model Kit
Price: £9.74

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Not a big challenge, 16 Oct 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
Airfix's Quick Build range is a bit like a cross between a traditional Airfix model and a Lego kit. Actually, it's more Lego than Airfix and when Lego's patent ran out recently, Airfix clearly saw an opportunity for a construction kit for younger, budding model builders.

So, this is something that falls somewhere between a real model and a toy. Whereas a "proper" Airfix kit will require glue, paint, a fair bit of time and no little skill, the "Quick Build" line is constructed very much along the line of Lego kit. You get about 30 parts, some stickers and a nicely visual instruction sheet and a stand and the whole thing simply clips together in a few minutes to produce something that looks rather like a Challenger tank.

All in all, this is a nice looking kit and good enough to serve as a toy, an introduction for the young up-and-coming modeller or a quirky desk ornament for a grown-up armour enthusiast.


The Martian
The Martian
Price: £3.49

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Mars a day stops your work, rest and play, 15 Oct 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This review is from: The Martian (Kindle Edition)
Mark Watney* has a problem. Quite a big problem. He's stranded on the planet Mars (it's a long story) with a year's worth of supplies. No one on Earth knows he's alive and the planned return mission won't land for another five years. What's a guy to do? Well, most of his survival tactics seem to involve setting fire to his habitat...

Andy Weir self-published The Martian in 2012 and if there's any proof needed that self-published novels CAN be good, then this - emphatically - is it. The self-published ebook sold like hotcakes before it was picked up by a print publisher the following year and it's now in development as a big-name movie.

The story is good, solid, hard science fiction, a cross between any castaway story you care to name and any astronaut-in-peril story you care to name. There's a healthy dash of techno-thriller in the mix with plenty of MacGyveresque science to keep the nerds happy. To be honest, some of the technical descriptions left me standing but it's easy enough to step around these points and get on with the story.

The writing is strong, competent and easy to read. However, the delivery swaps between First Person (Watney's Mars Survival Journal) and Third (events back on earth. This jarred to begin with in more ways than one. In particular, Watney's personal account helps to build a strong and sympathetic character portrait, whereas the characters covered in the other sections seem to lack any real oomph, faceless bodies for the most part, whose only role is to move the plot forward. As the story moves forward this becomes less of a problem, but it never quite goes away and the book suffers for it.

But what the hell?! The plot is a real corker! While it's nothing new (stranded, struggle to survive, race against time), follows a very klinear and predictable course and the eventual outcome is hardly beyond doubt, Weir somehow manages to weave a classically unputdownable story that easily transcends the narrative problems and literary cliches. I loved it. It's been a long time since I've read deep into the night but, having started reading one evening in bed, I eventually had to force myself to go to bed at 2:30 the following morning and then squeeze in a couple more chapters before truddging - gritty-eyed - to work a few hours later**. Every other chapter seems to be a cliffhanger and the lead character is so engaging (and witty) that you're dragged (willingly) from page to page.

In spite of its flaws, this is an enjoyable and hugely impressive debut.

* "Mark Watney" is no name for an astronaut. "Buzz", "Buck" or "Jim" perhaps, but "Mark Watney"? It makes the poor guy sound like the third-in-line heir to a failed brewing empire...

** Hence the review's title


Airfix Quick Build Bae Harrier Aircraft Model Kit
Airfix Quick Build Bae Harrier Aircraft Model Kit
Price: £9.74

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Jump, 14 Oct 2014
Customer review from the Amazon Vine Programme (What's this?)
Airfix's Quick Build range is a bit like a cross between a traditional Airfix model and a Lego kit. Actually, it's more Lego than Airfix and when Lego's patent ran out recently, Airfix clearly saw an opportunity for a construction kit for younger, budding model builders.

So, this is something that falls somewhere between a real model and a toy. Whereas a "proper" Airfix kit will require glue, paint, a fair bit of time and no little skill, the "Quick Build" line is constructed very much along the line of Lego kit. You get about 30 parts, some stickers and a nicely visual instruction sheet and a stand and the whole thing simply clips together in a few minutes to produce something that looks rather like a Harrier jump-jet.

This particular kit isn't quite as good as some of the other Quick Builds. The fit of the parts ain't great and some force was required to get some oif the bits to mate properly - also, the wings in particular were a little unsatisfactory. The instruction sheet was also a tad off and I'm pretty sure that the recommended order of construction for the fuselage parts was wrong - I would suggest using the instructions as a guide and following your instincts. On the other hand, once constructed, it looks pretty good and there is a surprising amount of surface detail.

All in all, although it is let down a bit by the overall quality, this is a nice looking kit and good enough to serve as a toy, an introduction for the young up-and-coming modeller or a quirky desk ornament for a grown-up aircraft enthusiast.


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