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Crimes Against Magic (Hellequin Chronicles Book 1)
Crimes Against Magic (Hellequin Chronicles Book 1)

23 of 30 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Crimes Against Writing, 11 April 2013
For the love of all that is decent and good in this world... DO NOT read this book.

I can only assume that the plethora of 5 star reviews are the authors friends trying to big him up to the market. I'm ashamed to admit I fell for it.

So... how to best describe this book? I suppose, being fair to the book and the author, it's best described as 'an irretrievably awful turd of a novel'.

The characters are zero dimensional, the plot is confused, the dramatis personae range from bastardised characters from Arthurian legend to mauled Greek heroes (I really couldn't figure out what this book was trying to be), the villains are all moustache-twirling and obvious (but are hampered by the author's own limited vocabulary and skill), all of the female characters are simpering, pointless damsels who have stepped out of glossy magazines and find themselves unable to cope with, well, pretty much anything without the help of the oh so big, strong, butch main character.

Which brings us to Nate Garrett (a name which has a 5th century ring to it, I'm sure you won't agree)... a bold, strong, fearless, on-the-edge tough guy with a heart of gold who feels no pain and shows no pity to the... Oh, for Chrissake... you get the idea. The Author obviously had an ideal character he wanted to play in one of his youthful games of Dungeons and Wossnames and he's just spewed this caricatured adolescent fantasy onto the page.

Nate trundles confidently through a series of utterly predictable encounters wherein he unfailingly "Opens a Can of Whoop-Ass" on every bad guy he meets. These stultifyingly dull sections are punctuated by some really hard to swallow flashbacks to 15th Century France where Nate and the two people he cares most about in the world (even though he's only known them for 3 days) face off against a laughably maniacal facsimile of a well known Arthurian villain (who appears to have developed a suspiciously 20th century vocabulary despite marauding around medieval Europe).

All the while the evil proceedings are being orchestrated by some unseen puppet master known only as "My Lord"... Who can this wicked mastermind be? Surely not another remnant of Nate's past come back to haunt him? Yes, of course it is. And what's more, when the identity of this shady Moriarty is finally revealed, you'll be surprised to learn that it comes as absolutely no surprise whatsoever. I would have been happier if it was a character the reader stood no chance of identifying prior to his entrance, but no. It's another let down in what feels like a litany of disappointing scenes.

And then Nate gets his memory back. And when he does, the only thing that changes is that Nate can kick people's arses safe in the knowledge that he's been doing it for an awful long time. Well, whoop-de-fiddlin-doo.

Tedious, repetitive, narcissistic, amateur masturbation. I can't believe I finished it.

If you are considering reading this, try biting your fingernails off instead. It's less expensive and will be more fun. It's a shame I couldn't give this no stars.
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