This book explained my long lasting question.
For the last 8 years since I began working abroad, whenever I went back to the country where I was born and lived most of my life, I felt I did not belong there any longer, except in a superficial way. Although I went along with all sorts of institutional routines because I felt I had to, something private in me resisted that I belong there. In return, my country would not want me to claim otherwise. It seems like there is a mutual agreed distance that seems to suit both of us.
I have envied many friends who had lived in the same place all their lives, or who had done well in accepted ways, or who truly belonged. Over a pint of beer or diner table, when I attempted to explain the depth of the loss, no one even my closest childhood friends could understand. I felt more lost and alone at home than in the most foreign and unfamiliar places.
What happened to me? Where do I belong? Have I lost my home?
The closest explanation I could get was to cut and paste of quotes from people who happened to be my colleagues or acquaintances of the exile, the expatriate and the émigré from numerous parties. However, the question still remains unanswered.
Is it because I am genuinely different, objectively an outsider, or because I am temporarily a loner, or I am personally more attracted to maybe little more income and exotic life?
This is a big question and a personal one, and I do not want to share my answers. However, I can say that after having finished this book, I had better answer to the question and I understand that I will never belong there again because I can never again be myself there.The End of Belonging. Untold Stories of leaving home and the psychology of global relocationThe End of Belonging