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Come on - why don't we write our own book right here in the fiction forum ? I'll do the first sentence, and then jump in....hold on, here we go...


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Posted on 24 Jul 2014 11:38:25 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Meanwhile...
"Just pull in alongside the harbour, there's a good man, Glee," said Fulla, eager to step ashore.
"You tie her up, missus," replied Glee. "I've got someone to look for." With that, he just leapt from the rowboat onto the landing steps, raced to the top of the harbour wall and disappeared, leaving Fulla on the drifting boat.
"Er...help?" the forlorn woman uttered. "Is there anyone there to help me? Help! HELP!!!"

Posted on 23 Jul 2014 10:39:24 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Unbeknownst to him, someone had taken the decision to use the brig as a cold store for the chunks of well hung and over-ripe, tattooed 'beef', some of which had been used in the soup enjoyed by so many of the crew. And there, in between the smelly flesh, stood the statue of Artemis, beloved by Glee who was unaware of her location. The ancient statue, as if in a show of objection to her situation - or possibly as a result of interaction between the noxious fumes and the molecular structure of her base metal, was emitting a curious glow, which, in turn, was having a symbiotic effect on the meat. Is it any wonder strange goings on were happening in the galley? The soft yellow hue, however, was already beginning to change, and Artemis was beginning to glow vivid green. What effect might this have on the meat for subsequent meals?

Posted on 23 Jul 2014 07:16:42 BDT
Handybird says:
Once again scooping up Little Chap, Chappers hoisted him up onto his shoulders so that his little legs straddled his father's neck. The pair took their leave of the Captain and the bridge to make their way back to the galley to find Chapped Lips and the other children.
Refreshed by his afternoon nap, Captain Jack, Jack Tar stood tall and took hold of the wheel and with an experienced hand he held it steady then, a mischievous glint in his eye he looked about him and began turning the wheel hard starboard followed by hard to port singing joyfully at the top of his voice,
"Oh duh wheel on duh ship goed wound 'n' wound, wound 'n' wound, wound 'n' wound, duh wheel on duh ship goed wound 'n' wound, all day long...."
Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the ship vice captain Staines had fumbled his way in the dark towards the brig, convinced that the ancient statue of Artemis was responsible in some way for all the mischief and strange behaviour of the crew aboard the Salty Sue.

Posted on 22 Jul 2014 18:29:08 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Okay pa, I know how women like to nag, eh?" said the youngster, giving his dad a knowing wink that was way above his years.
"Er, yeah. Well, see you, Cap'n. We'll leave you to take the wheel, then."
"Five likkul spekkuld frogs, sat on a spekkuld log, eating sum nice, delicious grubs - yum, yum..."

Posted on 21 Jul 2014 23:57:39 BDT
Last edited by the author on 22 Jul 2014 00:00:35 BDT
Handybird says:
At that moment Chapped Hurs, father of Litle Chap, wandered into the wheelhouse.
"You will forgive me for sayin' so Cap'n but by the sound of things you've already had a tot too many and.. before the sun is over the yardarm too!"
Captain Jack took no notice of Chappers' chiding, popped his thumb back in his mouth and watched as the big man strode towards him and confidently scooped Little Chap into his arms as the youngster fell from the back of the Captain's chair trying desperately not to drop the rum bottle he'd just managed to pilfer.
"Ah wotcha Pa! Thanks mate! I thought it was a gonner there!" Little Chap exclaimed gratefully, "But you can put me down now. You here f'r a tot?"
Chappers looked at the bottle of rum Little Chap was now extending towards him and although tempted he shook his head saying playfully,
"The only tot I'm here for is you, y'scallywag! Come along, come along before your mother realises you're missing!"

Posted on 20 Jul 2014 23:55:11 BDT
P. Cobb says:
From deep in the land of Nod, Captain Jack had heard the talk of rum, and instinctively started to sing again:
"A bottle ov rum to warm my tum, oh, dat's the life for me. Did ya like it, Missah Staines? Did ya, eh? Mmmmmm..."

In reply to an earlier post on 20 Jul 2014 23:35:19 BDT
Then little chap woke up and realised that he had dreamt that he had been asleep for an eternity, then he spotted land.

Posted on 20 Jul 2014 12:18:35 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Help yourself, lad," replied the vice captain, not believing the youngster would even be able to reach the bottle. "I'm off to the brig to check on a certain statue that was in there."
"Thanks, mate," said the boy, eyeing up the bottle on a shelf, and trying to work out if he would be able to reach it by standing on the back of Captain Jack's chair.

Posted on 20 Jul 2014 12:13:37 BDT
P. Cobb says:
In actual fact, it had been no more than two years maximum, but it seemed like an eternity to this two-year-old.
"Oi, Staines, don't all hands wot drive this ship get a tot of rum, mate?" he asked.

In reply to an earlier post on 20 Jul 2014 09:19:56 BDT
The gentle rocking and sound of the waves lapping against the sides of the boat abruptly ceased and Little Chap was wide awake to complete Silence, he had no notion how long he had been asleep but instinctively knew it had been an eternity.

Posted on 19 Jul 2014 09:49:24 BDT
Last edited by the author on 19 Jul 2014 09:50:39 BDT
P. Cobb says:
And the answer presented itself in the sudden appearance of 2-year-old Little Chap, the son of Chappers and Chapped Lips, who strode confidently into the wheelhouse.
"Wotcha, mate. Have you heard the one about the hunter who walked into a campsite and saw a naked woman? Looking her up and down, he asked her: 'Are you game?' She looked him up and down and replied: 'Yes.' So he shot her."
"Arrr, really?" asked Staines.
"Nah, I made it up mate, said Little Chap, sounding remarkably like Jack the lad. "Can you get me doing a job that gets me left alone with Rag and Tag, mate? A right couple of bits of crumpet, they are. Have you seen they way they wear those alluring pull-up pants, eh? Cor, what would I give for 5 minutes alone with that pair. And, talking of a pair..."
"Arr, oi've got summin ye could do, babysit the Cap'n fer me whoile oi pop down te the brig."
"Alright, mate. I take it that means I'm in charge of the ship, then? Got a box for me to stand on so I can reach the wheel?"

Posted on 19 Jul 2014 06:56:47 BDT
Last edited by the author on 19 Jul 2014 06:57:32 BDT
Handybird says:
But Captain Jack, Jack Tar did not reply, he had curled himself up in his leather cushioned 'captain's chair' and, sucking his thumb he'd drifted off to the land of nod.
Convinced more than ever that the old statue of Artemis had something to do with the strange turn of events aboard the Salty Sue, Staines determined to take himself off below deck to search the hold. Only one thing stood in his way; he'd now have to find a babysitter to watch over Captain Jack.

Posted on 18 Jul 2014 14:12:24 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Captain Jack, Jack Tar made his way back up to the wheelhouse on the bridge. Staines noticed he was now wearing a tablecloth round his lower quarters, folded into a large triangle and secured with safety pins either side.
"Arr, wuz the soup good, Cap'n?"
"ickle Jackie like it lots. Dat nasty lady, Chippt Lipsie, she shout at Jack-Jack for flickin bits ov meat at dat wall, she make me cry."
"Cry, Cap'n? Blisterin Barnacles, ye gettin in touch wi' yer femininnie soide, eh?"
"You not gonna shout at Jack-Jack as well?"
"Er, no, Cap'n, though oi don' know what's 'appened te yer voice."
"Dat udder nasty lady, Jill, she told me I needed a nappy on to cover up my winkle. They laid me on dat table and dat's why I luk like dis. Can we play sum games, Missah Staines? Can we, eh? Can we? Or sing sum songs? Jack-Jack like dat. Me first, pleeeeeeeas!...When I was free, I had a wee, the day I went to, er, Esa. I climbed aboard a pirate ship an' dat Captin sed to me...we're goin dis way, dat way, forwards and backwards over dat Irish Esa. A bottle ov rum to warm my tum, oh, dat's the life for me. Did ya like it, Missah Staines? Did ya, eh?"
"Er, arrr, Cap'n. Erm, did ye be fallin down the stairs an' land on yer noggin boi any chance?"

Posted on 18 Jul 2014 09:37:40 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Meanwhile, Glee was now turning purple in the face as he continued to row, row, row the boat gently to the shore.
"If you see a lion, don't forget to roar," he warned Fulla. The woman looked at him and wondered if they really were likely to see lions on this island that was so many degrees off the coast of Portugal out in the Atlantic. Although the dark, ominous mushroom cloud was slowly dissipating, large flakes of warm snow were falling.
"This isn't snow," said Fulla, trying to peer through the blizzard at the shore. "It's ash."
"I don't care if it's dandruff," said Glee. "There's somebody I need to see - where somebody waits for me, sugar sweet, so is she, bye, bye Rustbucket!"

Posted on 18 Jul 2014 09:24:04 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Arrr, don' know 'bout you, Cap'n," said Staines, "but oi don' fancy spillin' 'ot soup on me naked unmentionables."
"Don' mention it, Staines," replied Captain Jack, Jack Tar. "Oi'm going down for some." With that he whipped off his kecks and climbed down the bridge stairs with the breeze blowing around the Trossochs.

Posted on 18 Jul 2014 06:54:43 BDT
Handybird says:
:O) didn't like soup and couldn't be tempted to try but a single drop. As for :), :), :), Rag, Tag, Bob and little Chap they were quite happy to keep munching the ship's biscuits even though all the best ones in the tin had, by now, been snaffled by the grown ups.
Dramatis Personae and his film crew had brought their own provisions aboard ship, mostly popcorn and bags of sweets which they ate as quietly as they could trying not to rustle the packets thus annoying the rest of the crew - and so they too were safe from the effects of Fairy Annie's soup.
Captain Jack and vice captain Staines had sent Petunia off with a flea in her ear, assuming that she had been making fun of them when she popped her head around the door of the bridge and shouted,
"Arrr Staines an' Cap'n! There be a bowl o' soup each fer the two o' yers down in the galley but Oi'm afraid yer'll av te eat it wi'out any bloomers!"

Posted on 17 Jul 2014 22:58:36 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Meanwhile...let's not forget those with the non-speaking parts, in cabin 101. Of course they had to be fed, too. J... went to the voluminous cabin with the door key to collect the empty soup bowls, only to hear that Eddy Taw-Real's 4 daughters were, in fact, speaking - but with a stammer.
"That was f-f-fabulous, F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fee-F-fee," said Fi-Fi.
"Ssssssssssssssssssstup-p-pendous, F-f-f-fi-Fi," replied Fee-Fee.
"N-n-no, it's not sssstew," said Fo-Fo, "it's sssssssssssoo, s-s-s-soo-ooop."
"It w-w-was ch-ch-ch-chunky soup, though," Fum-Fum pointed out.
"Lumpy whatchemacallit, more like," said Steeley-eye Stan, sounding just like Eva Cannonball.
"P-p-p-p-p-p-pass our com-om-om-ompliments on ttttttto the shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhh, er, chef," Fee-Fee said to J... as she relocked the cabin door. But J... didn't reply as she had aquired a non-speaking part!

Posted on 17 Jul 2014 12:05:40 BDT
Last edited by the author on 17 Jul 2014 22:41:13 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Jack the lad finished off his own helping and pushed his bowl away from him, hoping somebody else might do the washing up. Unfortunately, it fell through the hole that had long since been burnt through the galley table.
"Oh, I say, that was rather spiffing. One would have dearly liked a drop more, but one seems to have had an accident with one's bowl. Oh well, saves on the bally washing up, one supposes. Orf with the bread."

Posted on 17 Jul 2014 01:47:47 BDT
Last edited by the author on 18 Jul 2014 07:58:34 BDT
Handybird says:
Petunia said, licking the back of her spoon.
"Arrrrrrrrr indeed!" Chapped Lips had to agree, "It be a moighty foin an' arrrrrrty drop o' soup that, Pet."
They too had each finished off a bowl of Fairy Annie's soup. With Queenie incapacitated, Chapped Lips had taken up the mantle of chief cook and bottle washer and with the help of Fairy Annie they had made a pan of soup using some of the old and by now, well matured 'beef', combined with what few limp vegetables they could muster. The pair had concocted a strange brew which seemed to have remarkable powers.
"Arrrrr, Oi be goin' up onto moi poop deck plot now te trim me bush..." Petunia informed Mrs Chappers and pushing her chair under the large wooden table that stood in the middle of the galley she made to leave, "On me way Oi'll tell the Cap'n that grub's up shall Oi?"
"Arrrr, could do Pet. Moind tho' there be not much left s'tell 'im ee best hurry if ee wants sum."
"Arrrr Staines moight be wantin' some too, Oi'll send 'em both down."
With that, Petunia left Chapped Lips in the galley, stirring the pot of soup on the stove and headed up to the bridge to find Jack, Jack Tar and Vice Captain Staines.

Posted on 16 Jul 2014 22:00:03 BDT
Last edited by the author on 16 Jul 2014 22:00:13 BDT
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Posted on 15 Jul 2014 15:45:58 BDT
Last edited by the author on 15 Jul 2014 15:49:46 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"No, oi dont mean yer ruddy 'ead, Staines, oi wuz referring to that there ruff."
"Arr, moi woife, Missus Mellie P Staines alus liked a bit o' rough, capn. Anyways, yer were talkin about yer ol' nan, Granny Smith. Do you know where 'er lives?'
"Arr, Staines, a little coastal villij, boi the name o' San Chrustiano Rumaldo."
"Really, Cap'n? Boi sum incredibly strange coincidence, of which few 'appens to us, that' s the place that's just along the coast frum 'ere. Should we mek fer there?"
"Arr, Staines. Let's do that."

Posted on 15 Jul 2014 09:10:08 BDT
"No, I mean those four bite marks."

Posted on 15 Jul 2014 09:08:41 BDT
"What's that on your neck?"
"You mean my head?"

Posted on 15 Jul 2014 08:39:36 BDT
Last edited by the author on 15 Jul 2014 08:41:30 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Summin strange seems t'be 'appenin aboard ship, Cap'n," reported Staines. "People wot spoke in a certain way are now speaking contrarywise. Tell me, Cap'n, do we still have that there statue o' Artemis in the brig?'
"Oi ain't bin down theer fer months, Voice, but to Moi knowledge it is. Whoi d'ye ask?"
"Summin spooky is 'appenin aboard, Cap'n. Oi wuz wunnerin if she moight be a bad talisman te be avvin aboard?"

Posted on 15 Jul 2014 08:29:45 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"STINKING SNIFFBAGS!" exclaimed Peg, who normally couldn't pronounce her 'r's, but who now appeared to be suffering from Teretz Syndrome, "get a naffin move on with that soup, Iris. If the blinking old biddy don't want it, I'll have it!"
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Discussion in:  fiction discussion forum
Participants:  695
Total posts:  8950
Initial post:  27 Sep 2011
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