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Come on - why don't we write our own book right here in the fiction forum ? I'll do the first sentence, and then jump in....hold on, here we go...


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Posted on 2 Apr 2012 12:17:42 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Resisting the urge to tell Glee about the meaning of the C&A labels in her underwear, Ms Buchaut was summoned to the galley as Frenchie decided he was hungry. The Major had taken Brobbie and the Apprentice with him to find supplies - although he snarled at every utterance of 'Blobbie, Blobbie, Blobbie' from the green-looking Apprentice.

Meanwhile...
the Pharos Ultra Beacon chugged into Rhodes Town Harbour, with Pnormal making notes of her arrival, in between draping tarpaulins over strategic parts of the Salty Sue in a desperate attempt to disguise her shape.
"Chocolate shops here we come!" squealed Jill in delight as the disembarking planks were put into position. "Must ensure Rag, Tag and Bob - and the little Chap, of course - get their first Easter egg!"
"And me!" exclaimed Peg Legge. "I want a wed wibbon wapped awound my Easter tweats."
"Do they sell whatsits, here on Rhodes?" asked Eva.
"I'm su-su-sure they d-d-d-d-d-do," answered Iris. "They s-s-s-s-s-sell lo-o-o-o-o-o-ts of oojiflips I've h-h-heard."
"Right! count me in, then."
"I wonder if they thell thuculent, thmooth Thwith choccieth?" asked Eeya Ring. "Itth thcrumptiouth, and better than Marth."
"Didn't know your mother produced home-made chocolate, Eeya," said Petunia. "I'll take whatever is on offer!"
"Anyone else coming, girls?" asked Jill.
"A nice Belgian would do me," replied J...
"Pralines and truffles would go down a treat with a glass of champers on Easter morning," said Chapped Lips.
"GOBBLIN FONDANTS! Bring me back some tough nuts!" shouted Betty. "Got me crankshaft to strip down."
"Do you think we might find some hard centres?" asked Svetlana. "I want something I can get my teeth into."
"One will accompany you if one can have some of those Embassy chocolates," said the Queen of Hearts.
"What? You mean Ferrero Rocher?" asked Jill.
"No, I mean free ones," replied Queenie.
"You joining us, small Egyptian lady?" asked Petunia. "Hungry for chocolate?"
"Naffin chocolate holds no interest for Stroppians.
"Stroppy ones? Suit yourself. Thought you might like to find some eggs, that's all."
"Eggs? Now why didn't you say! Egg hunting is what I'm here for! Let me effin well know if you spot any that are one and a half foot long."
"Blimey, and I thought I liked chocolate..." thought J...

Posted on 2 Apr 2012 15:33:55 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Pnormal overheard the conversation, and thought the Major would especially like to know about the Egyptian Woman's interest in 1.5' long eggs. He gave Pieter a call on his mobile:
"Pnormal here. Pnice bit of pnews for you about a pnother possible incubation pod. Can you think of somewhere they might be pnestled?"

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 07:20:49 BDT
Last edited by the author on 3 Apr 2012 10:12:31 BDT
Handybird says:
"You know Peg," Eeya then commented, "I have heard tell that eating too much chocolate can give you thpotth but I think that would be a myth?"
"Oh yes Ee, I'd miss chocolate tewwibly, besides I never, ever get even one pimple. I think that's just a myth"
"Yeth, that'th what I thed."

Meanwhile...
Aboard the PMS, Ploppmeister Squg's condition was not improving.
"Do you think it's a bug Dug?" Nurse Thug asked MO Drug.
"You get nothing for two in a bed ... Let's see what you would have won .." yelled Squg just before he fainted.
"Oh what's the matter with him? He's gone all floppy!"
"There's only one cure for a floppy, stroppy Plop Nurse Thug .. We must draw blood!" Dug Drug ordered.
Nurse Thug looked worried, "But we have no sketch pads and besides my red crayon needs sharpening!"
"Hmm that is a problem." MO Drug admitted, "Very well, fetch me a leech!"
Nurse Blug returned with the jar.
Squg awoke, looked at Dug Drug and Thug and screamed with horror ...
"That's not a leech! It's a bloody ....

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 10:56:00 BDT
Last edited by the author on 3 Apr 2012 10:57:36 BDT
P. Cobb says:
...Mairee! Dug and Thug spun round to see Mairee Ploppins minus one of her seven fingers - the missing appendage now wriggling effortlessly towards Squg's throat.
"Are you sitting comfortably, comfortably?" asked Squg. "Then we'll begin, begin. They think it's all over, over - it is, is now, it IS now!" and Ploppmeister Squg flicked the finger from his neck to the floor. Nurse Thug bent over to pick it up, revealing hairy legs over the tops of her pull-ups.
"Hoo hoo," slavered Squg."Nora Batty's wrinkled, wrinkled stockings!"
"Calm yourself, Ploppmeister, we have everything under control," assured the MO.
"Yus, M'lady, yus, M'lady."
Dug Drug examined Squg's tongue and recoiled back from the green spots. "I'm afraid we are not dealing with a Stroppi bug, here. It is imperative we keep the Ploppmeister in quarantine."
"What is the problem, doctor?" asked Mairee Ploppins, cauterising the stump left by her missing finger on the electronic insect zapper that stood from floor to ceiling as they, themselves were only the height of Earthly gnats.
"I believe he has contracted an Earthly condition - one for which we have no cure with our Plopp medication. I fear he has...double you moania!"

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 13:04:11 BDT
H. MCKENNY says:
what he really had of course was a haemolytic streptococci infection causing extreme systemic symptoms, causing lethargy and fatigue. He had never experienced anything like this in his life and at this moment in time, never wanted to again.

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 13:28:56 BDT
Handybird says:
"Don't panic! .. Don't panic ..." Ploppmeister shouted.
"Oh dear Sir ... It's getting worse! What can we do?" Nurse Thug pleaded.
"What about a strait jacket and back to back episodes of Emergency Ward 10?" Mairee suggested.

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 14:56:14 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"I've found some episodes of Dixon of Dock Green," said Thug, helpfully.
"Evening, all," uttered Squg, "got 'im bang to rights, guv, keep 'em peeled."
"I'm not too sure about the haemo-cocci-systemic-knackered diagnosois, myself," said Nurse Thug in a dark brown voice as she stroked her hairy arms then turned away to scratch her crotch, "I once knew, er, someone else with symptoms such as these - it turned out to be TV-onitis."

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 15:01:19 BDT
Handybird says:
"Very well nurse!" MO Dug Drug agreed with a grin, "Perhaps the best thing to do is ... turn him over?"

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 15:13:27 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Hmm, perhaps the real solution might lie in Mairee Ploppins' wardrobe, doctor," suggested Nurse Thug.
"What?" enquired Mairee, intrigued. "A spoonful of sugar with the medicine?"
"No," replied Thug. "A nice firm black umbrella with a duck-head handle and some multi-button boots - oh, and some long cotton drawers should do the job, too."

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 15:26:45 BDT
(I can't wait for the movie)

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 20:42:49 BDT
P. Cobb says:
(Think it's likely to be shown in two instalments, 1973 KO..., but not sure who will play the role of Jill. Captain Birdseye perfect as Captain Jack, Jack Tar.)

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 22:30:12 BDT
Handybird says:
(Whoever plays Jill's roll should be rolling in dough, have large baps and wear her hair in a bun :O)

Posted on 3 Apr 2012 23:54:13 BDT
P. Cobb says:
(Iris and Eva might be perfectly played by Hinge and Open and Close Brackets...?)

Posted on 4 Apr 2012 10:43:07 BDT
Last edited by the author on 4 Apr 2012 10:46:05 BDT
Handybird says:
(Enough or no ?)

The Ambulance had been driven off the PUB once again and Chappers was waiting to drive the girls into town to get their Easter treats.
"Well I'm not thitting bethide EITHER of THEM when we go." Ee whispered to Peg "THEE thmellth" she said pointing to Svetty, "And tho duth THAT thing." Eeya continued, pointing toward the terracotta soldier.
"I know," agreed Peg, "I thought cleanliness was next to Godliness? I just don't understand why Norma had to give up showering for Lent instead of chocolate like the rest of us! As fo' THAT thing," Peg held her nose and 'motioned' towards the soldier containing the rapidly fading Bet Llaunderette, "It gives me the cweeps! Don't you feel as though it's eyes follow you sometimes?"
"Perhapth Peg, we might be able to EXCHANGE that thtatue for thumthing elthe when we get into town? An EXPERT might want it perhapth to add to hith EXHIBITTH?" Eeya whispered conspiratorially.
"EXCELLENT idea Ee." Peg agreed.
"Eggs change? Eggs Spurt? Eggs bits? Eggs sell tent?" Thought Sphoon.

Posted on 4 Apr 2012 12:34:51 BDT
P. Cobb says:
(Enough. Unless, that is, we run dry on the story, when we could debate the likely cast list...)

As the ambulance left Rhodes Town harbour, heading for the short drive to the main duty-free shopping street, J... thought that the Rhodes air appeared to be doing wonders for Peg's speech impediment and wished it would improve Eeya's as well. As she stood to squeeze herself on the bench in between The Queen of Hearts and Petunia, and took a glug of bottled water at the same time, being a multi-tasker, Chappers had to brake hard to avoid a stray dog that was chasing two cats. Jill, who was sat up front alongside the driver, thought the moggies looked familiar, but she was distracted by the scream in the back as J... went flying and spilled her water bottle all over the head of the terracotta soldier. All in the back looked at each other in horror as a slurping noise came from the earthenware head.
"Egad!" uttered Queenie. "I've not heard the like since one of the suits of armour in the palace let out a groan! Turned out to be rusty joints, but the Knave of Hearts cured it with liberal squirts from an oil can - although it wasn't as well oiled as he was, himself."
"I think it's just the parched and brittle clay absorbing the spilled water," said Svetlana, lifting her arm to gesticulate at the head. "It's bubbles of air escaping"
Everyone near Svetty recoiled back.
"Yes, just like aromas from armpits, dear," said Chapped Lips. "Can you keep your arm down by your side?"

"I'll have to drop you off here, ladies," said Chappers, "It's pedestrianised. I'll return in a couple of hours, if that's alright?"
"Lovely," said Jill. "I'm sure we can keep ourselves occupied for two hours, eh, girls?" and the ambulance emptied, save for Bet Llaxative, who was squeezing hard to keep further smells from escaping.

As the party of girls walked DOWN the main shopping street, a laden Major, Brobbie and Apprentice were climbing UP the same street. Spuhoon, in his niqab, was mulling over the girls' chat and was looking everywhere for an eggs tent, although his memory banks told him to be searching for something different - something that wouldn't be difficult to see, but whereabouts on the island was it?
"Ooo, look, girls!" exclaimed Eva, "here's a whatchamacallit! Let's go in!"
"Oh, yes!" replied Iris. "The w-w-w-w-w-w-window is fu-fu-full of ch-ch-ch. Is full of ch-ch-ch-ch. Oh soddit, l-l-let's go in." But all the others were already inside - except Spuhoon, who had no interest in chocolate. Instead, he had been sidetracked by postcards outside a shop opposite - and in particular those that showed representations of The Collossus of Rhodes, a bronze statue that stood with its legs apart, feet on stone piers at the harbour entrance, hand raised holding a fiery torch.

The Major had also stopped. In Cairo, this little Egyptian lady wouldn't have been anything out of the ordinary, but here in Rhodes she stood out, and her diminutive size made Pieter recognise her - and he knew 'she' was no lady, no man, no human even.
"Brobbie," he said. "Keep your eyes on the alien freak - wherever it goes, we go. STEPS want all incubation pods found. Wherever they are, Normal and the other agents will be - and that's when we get our chance to eliminate them!"
Spuhoon about turned and started walking back to the harbour. The Major walked over to see what had aroused the droid's interest, and his eyes lit up at the sight of the Collossus. "Quick - follow the alien!"

Meanwhile...
in the chocolate shop, Jill was looking for something suitable for Rag, Tag and Bob, and had just settled on three chocolate kittens wrapped in gold foil, each with a ribbon and small bell around its neck. As she gazed at the tantalising cats, her eyes suddenly opened wide as something hit her. The shopkeeper picked up the box of chocolate mice that had just fallen off the topmost shelf, and Jill said:
"I knew there was something familiar about those cats."
"They do look a little weminiscent of statues of cats we saw at the pywamids," replied Peg.
"No, not these chocolate ones. The cats being chased by the dog at the harbour. They were Billie Jean and Puss Galore from the Salty Sue - the ship must still be here!"

In reply to an earlier post on 4 Apr 2012 13:49:28 BDT
D. Fisher says:
The door of the shop opened and in came two M and M's, how odd they thought

Posted on 4 Apr 2012 15:14:09 BDT
Handybird says:
"That'th thumthing you don't thee everyday!"

Posted on 4 Apr 2012 15:39:01 BDT
said Tom. But there is always the bus, why don't we try that for a change. Meanwhile Rag, Tag and Bob had already started walking to town hoping they would catch the bus as it came barrelling down the road when they could flag it down.

Posted on 4 Apr 2012 15:48:42 BDT
P. Cobb says:
But at the age of 6 months, it was quite an achievement for them, so Roger the Cabin Boy ran from the ship to bring them back.

Meanwhile... in the chocolate shop, the two M&Ms, namely Marcario Markopoulos and Minerva Melonakos, arrived with a new supply of chocolate eggs - and just in the nick of time as the girls had cleared the entire stock.
"Whereth Chapperth with the ambulanth?" asked Eeya Ringe.

Posted on 4 Apr 2012 23:42:24 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Meanwhile...

Spuhoon had reached the harbour, and he walked out along the piers until he stood adjacent to one of the antelope statues that it is believed marked the positions of the feet of the Collossus. Rolling up a sleeve of his niqab, he extended an arm, peeled back its plasticised flesh to reveal a sensor. Moving his arm from side to side, the sensor remained inactive, indicating the lack of presence of any Stroppi eggs - or at least any that might be dormant yet live.
"Naff, naff, naffin naff-naff!" he muttered to himself. Some were laid to coincide with the building of the bronze statue around 300BC, so what happened to them?"
"Were they INSIDE the statue, or under it, my friend who is other than she appears to be?" asked the Major calmly. Spuhoon spun round in alarm to see Pieter, Brobbie and the Apprentice stood there.
"I do not naffin compute; I have insufficient input to answer your question."
"I know all about you and your programmed raison d'Ítre, droid, courtesy of several bat phone calls from a certain H at STEPS. I can tell you that the Colossus was partly destroyed by an earthquake in 225BC, then the bronze was stolen by an Arab expedition in 653AD and sold to a Jewish merchant of Ephesea. If your eggs were inside it, they were sold centuries ago and most likely ended up as giant omlettes; if they were underneath, they would have been destroyed or drowned following earthquakes. Are there any others?"
"Yes there effin well are, but what a bleedin unstable planet to lay the naffers on!"
"Can we take you to them? The other bunch of jokers don't understand how important the eggs are to you, unlike us. I realise you need to be present to oversee their hatching - we can help you."
"Well, there ARE some effin strange humans on that Pharos Ultra Beacon ship. There's a shortage of refined oil that I'm partial to, and I'm tired of wearing this damn black gown. Can we leave immediately?"
"We're just awaiting a delivery of the provisions we couldn't carry - it would have been a little obvious toting rocket propelled grenades and their launchers up the main shopping area. Where to next, then?" asked the Major.
"Halicarnassus, South-west Turkey. I believe it has another effin name, now; it sounds like foul alcohol - let me access my data banks." Spuhoon stuck an arm up inside his niqab and fiddled around.
"Oi, watch what you're doing," warned Brobbie. "You can get arrested for lewd practices..."
The droid's eyes flashed.
"I compute, Bad Rum."
"Bad Rum?" asked Pieter. "Bad Ru...ah, Bodrum. Turkey, here we come..."

Posted on 5 Apr 2012 08:16:53 BDT
As the biplane touched down on the glistening tarmac, the pilot throttled back and steered towards the hangar where a group of Franciscan monks waited with a rickshaw.

Posted on 5 Apr 2012 09:21:09 BDT
Handybird says:
.... Svetlana read aloud from her new book, as she sat impatiently waiting on the hot pavement for Chappers return with the ambulance.
"Why do you read all of those trashy novels Norma?" Jill asked.
"Oh, it just helps me forget the world sometimes with all it's trouble and strife but I have to admit this one has been written by someone with very little imagination, it really is a pile o' ..."
"Cwap?" interjected Peg, her impediment not impeding her understanding of the situation.

Posted on 5 Apr 2012 10:19:32 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Well, I was going to say 'random words', myself, Peg, dear - but written by an author who has not bothered to follow the plotline. Still, variety is the spice of life as the small Egyptian lady might say."
"That's a good point, where IS the small Egyptian lady?" asked Jill.
"And where's Chappers?" snapped his wife, "my eggs are melting waiting here, and the little Chap's choccy buttons are going to be one massive woggle!"
"Dib-dib!" cried Chappers as he pulled up in the ambulance. "All aboard, ladies - hope you found me a big one."
"Well, you could do with one, dearest," replied Chapped Lips, "but I guess we'll have to make do with the usual average sized one."
While the girls giggled, Chapped Hurs winced. "We need to get aboard, quickly. While you've been spending all your IOUs, the Salty Sue left - she was moored at the far end of the harbour. Cap'n's fretting somewhat."
"We've lost the SEL, dearest," said Chapped Lips.
"SEL? Salt? You mean the Cap'n's ship?"
"No, the small Egyptian lady. She vanished."
"Well, I don't think the Cap'n will want to hang about for long for her."
With a struggle, the entire contents of the chocolate shop were squeezed into the ambulance. Iris placed a carrier bag full of milk chocolate goodies on the face of the terracotta soldier, and the aroma of chocolate and cocoa beans filled the ambulance.
"Can anybody hear a gasping, slurping noise?" asked Petunia...

Posted on 5 Apr 2012 11:12:52 BDT
Handybird says:
"Oh sorry girls that's probably me!" answered Svettie a little embarrassed, "It's these plastic, wipe-down seats you know."
"The thooner Thunday cometh the better! That'th what I thay!" cried Peg, "Then we can eat thethe choccieth and Norma can have a thower!"

Posted on 5 Apr 2012 12:17:06 BDT
P. Cobb says:
J... immediately stopped her surreptitious chewing of part of one of her eggs. "Sunday?" she asked. "Oh, that's a long time to wait, isn't it!" Then she craftily stuffed the evidence of her early raiding into the nearest orifice - the mouth hole of the terracotta warrior!

The gasp that came forth was audible to all, and J... moved her guilty hand away quickly.
"I'll be glad to get away from that thtatue - it ith very creepy" thed Eeya.
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