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Come on - why don't we write our own book right here in the fiction forum ? I'll do the first sentence, and then jump in....hold on, here we go...

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Posted on 1 Mar 2015 21:44:03 GMT
Handybird says:
The Queen of Hearts smiled at Roger and, affecting a French accent she answered,
"Oui! Oui!"
"No Queenie!", Jill laughed and corrected her,
"That'll be after we've had a couple or three glasses of Chardonnay!"

Posted on 28 Feb 2015 12:03:22 GMT
P. Cobb says: has quite the right idea about swimming pools," the Queen of Hearts told the cabin boy.
"It's hardly surprising," Roger replied. "So many of their words revolve around bodily functions. It says here that you pronounce 'chicken' as "Poo-lay". Is that what you get from 'Bay of Biscay Belly'?"

Posted on 27 Feb 2015 14:27:14 GMT
Last edited by the author on 28 Feb 2015 11:50:34 GMT
"I mean to say" he continued, "It's a devil of a job climbing through the hole and then, when you get down there, it's pitch dark and there's nowhere clean to stand."
"Um, I don't think...

Posted on 27 Feb 2015 13:18:28 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"This 'ere French lingo is confusing," said Roger, gazing through one of Chapped Lips' reference books. "Am I right in saying the Crêperie will be next door to the Piscine?"
"Possibly," replied Queenie. "One often follows the other, especially after paddling through all that water."
"Flooded bogs, eh?" replied Roger. "Still, better than one of those holes in the ground, eh?"

Posted on 27 Feb 2015 10:09:01 GMT
Last edited by the author on 27 Feb 2015 10:10:08 GMT
Handybird says:
Aboard the Salty Sue, excitement was growing. The Queen of Hearts peered out of the grimy, galley porthole and reported to the others, "Looks like the Captain has lowered the gangplank .."
"Oh that'th thuper!" Eeya replied, "That meanth we're free to go athore and ecthplore.."
"Yeah.." Mrs Chappers agreed, "I'm looking forward to browsing in one of them um .. what do they call them now? .. Oh yeah, them Blue Lingerie shops, get myself something nice to surprise Chappers with."
Queenie sniffed and answered, "One supposes you mean a Boulangerie? Where they might sell items much like my bloomers?" Queenie corrected.
"Aye Queenie that's exactly right, I can get myself a nice frilly pair."
Peg turned to Queenie who couldn't help but look puzzled and asked, "What awe you going to do Queenie?"
"Well, One has been wanting one since Shrove Tuesday, so One thought One would wait until darkness falls and nip ashore for a crêpe."
Jack the Lad screwed up his face, "Cor Queenie! There's no need to wait until tonight! Just use the bucket like everyone else!"

Posted on 26 Feb 2015 15:45:29 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"Now, THAT'S more like it, dear," exclaimed Fulla. "Me like-ee. Why not try exploring that storyline for your book, dear. "Bodice-ripping time travel. There must surely be a market for that. What's more, you can surely write from experience, can't you?"
"Oh yes, dear," replied Doreen. "Straitened corsets and bustles were all the rage when I was a girl." Fulla ducked as a stale beef sandwich came flying in her direction.

Posted on 26 Feb 2015 12:51:38 GMT
Suddenly, out of nowhere a remarkably delicate, whispery voice interrupted them, saying, "It is a truth universally acknowledge, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.."
"Oi! Oi you! Yes, you interloper, you're on the wrong page and wrong century! Get you back to whence you came!"
"Oh my goodness gracious!" She whimpered and with a hasty bow and rustle of straitened corsets and bustle she retreated.

Posted on 26 Feb 2015 10:02:52 GMT
Last edited by the author on 26 Feb 2015 10:03:42 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"Arrr, them perishers in the 'arbourmaster's office weren't prepared te accept one o' me IOUs te let us stay, Staines," Captain Jack told the Voice Captain.
"Arrrrr, no, Cap'n? 'Ow be we ain't leavin', then?"
"Arrrrr, oi 'ad te gi' 'em two, Staines. They're all on the mek, oi'm afraid"
"A frayed knot, Cap'n?"
"Arrrrr, Staines. Oi knew ee would be knowin' what comes next."

Posted on 24 Feb 2015 20:30:55 GMT
Last edited by the author on 24 Feb 2015 20:32:06 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"Arrr, oi'll tell the Cap'n ee be all fer a spot o' seasoide toime, then,' said Staines. "Oi wunner if it be too soon fer Little P te be 'avin 'er fust session at mekkin sandie castles?"
"Oo, 'surf's up'!" said Chappers. "I wonder if the seafront shops will accept IOUs for some surf boards?"
"I've always used Perthil, mythelf," said Eeya. "I find it getth whiteth whiter."
"Arrr, oi prefers the Toide, meself," Staines advised. "Oh well, oi'll tell Cap'n Jack te put in at the Fishing Port, then."

Posted on 24 Feb 2015 16:09:20 GMT
Handybird says:
Back aboard the Salty Sue, Chapped Lips glared at Staines across the table,
"An' just what are you incinerating Voice?.." she asked with disgruntled tone, "..Do the Cap'n think we girls aren't posh enough to mix with all them hoity toity tourists?"
Jack the Lad's face beamed, he wasn't ready to lose his speaking part to cabin 101,
"I'm going to need all my sweet talking when we land in Biarritz..", he thought to himself, "Especially if what Mrs Chappers says is true an' it's full of hotty totty!"

Posted on 23 Feb 2015 23:29:16 GMT
P. Cobb says:
...said Rommel, speaking from experience, "he's a bit of a rat - a desert rat, in fact."
"I don't know that a novel set to a World War II military genre is your thing, Doreen, dear," advised Fulla. "Anyway, the Captain wants us to re-swab the deck, now."

In reply to an earlier post on 23 Feb 2015 20:36:05 GMT
and the clubs started to beat up the the other cards. Monty however did not like cheats and you should not mess with Monty.

Posted on 23 Feb 2015 10:36:25 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"It's a flamin' wainy day, today," said Peg, tucking into a doorstep of bread. "That's a suwe sign we'we getting closew to the Bwitish Isles."
"Arrrr... no, it ain't," Staines replied, confusing everyone. "We be off the coast o' ol' Frenchie land. It's normal fer the Bay o' Biskey to get a spot o' rain this toime o' year."
"Talking of Normal,' said Jill, 'has anyone seen him? I haven't heard from him since we were at San Chrustiano Rumaldo."
"I heard he was having a b-b-bunk up in Cabin 101," Iris advised, "until his own c-c-cabin had been c-c-cleaned. Somebody desssssss-cided to p-put the m-m-m-milking c-cow in his rrrrrrrroom." Jack the lad's ears picked up at the mention of a bunk up, and he started to weigh up the pros and cons of losing his speaking role if it came with 'benefits' like that.
"Arrrrr, oi fergot to tell ee all," Staines revealed, "the Cap'n asked me te ask ee if yer wanted 'im te put in at Biarritz, or if it would be too lah-di-da fer ee?"
"One would NEVER consider onesself to be too lah-di-da," replied Queenie. Roger the cabin boy looked puzzled.
"La, di, da, or d'you mean la, mi, fah?" he asked. "What I want to know is, what's The Sound of Music got to do with Biarritz?"

Posted on 23 Feb 2015 07:52:46 GMT
Last edited by the author on 23 Feb 2015 10:09:14 GMT
Handybird says:
Back aboard the Salty Sue with the weekend over, Monday morning found most of the crew back in the galley, gathered around the huge wooden table and ready for breakfast. The card school was over and the girls were excitedly chatting about their various 'hands'.
Queenie leaned over the table and put down, fresh from the oven a pair of her warm bloomers, "Did One hear mention of a Royal flush. Ah yes.." She wistfully reminisced, "One remembers so well, One's throne back in the Royal Palace."
Having returned from the card game behind Petunia's shed, bitterly disappointed to discover that Peg's idea of 'poker round the back' had indeed been but a simple game of cards, Jack the Lad now sat, hands in pockets, between the girls, staring dejectedly into his tea.
"Come along Lad.." Chappers said, patting JtL on the back, "Cheer up an' get stuck into the bread!"
Jack tL grabbed at one of Queenie's bloomers and ripped a huge chunk from it, then proceeded to stuff it into his mouth.
"Whoa Lad! Whoa!" Chappers shouted, "Not so fast! You'll choke yourself!"
The Queen of Hearts looked on, tutted and asked impatiently, "Doesn't Jack ever masticate?"
Puzzled, Chappers looked up and replied,
"Oh yes, I'm sure of it but not at the breakfast table!"

[For the sake of but a vestige of continuity, Queenie had only just that morning discovered a large, unopened bag of strong, white flour that she had stowed at the back of a cupboard, ready for a 'rainy day'!]

Posted on 23 Feb 2015 00:24:56 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"Are you saying my style of writing would be best suited for America, dear?" Fulla asked.
"No, dear. My sense of direction is very keen. I'm sure Captain Frenchie has changed course once again. Could he have given up their race and be setting sail for home across the Atlantic?"
"I don't think the Major would allow that, dear. You know his motto... Let's get ready, ready, let's get ready, ready."

Posted on 22 Feb 2015 14:54:36 GMT

In reply to an earlier post on 22 Feb 2015 12:08:17 GMT
across the Atlantic so we must start getting ready to

Posted on 21 Feb 2015 01:36:14 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"Are we talking 'Lava-torial humour" here, dear?" Fulla asked, where your hero explores numerous 'mountains and valleys' every other chapter? I can just see it now - 'Amethyst and Rose Quartz both longed to climb Rock's granite stack, and the moistness of their clints and grykes made it easy for Rock to go fossil hunting..."
"You're a natural, dear," said Doreen. "Have you ever considered writing yourself?"

Posted on 20 Feb 2015 18:22:22 GMT
Handybird says:
"Yes indeed Fulla," Doreen continued, "What do you think of the name Flint Beastwood or Rock Mudson as a name for my main protagonist?"

Posted on 20 Feb 2015 16:29:49 GMT
Last edited by the author on 20 Feb 2015 23:09:33 GMT
"You're right" was the reply "I suppose it is a bit obvious. How about I make it a bogey woman for a change?"
Fulla sighed.
"In any case" went on Doreen "I'm thinking of moving into a new genre."
"Oh really - what's that then?"
"Erotic geology."
"Sounds interesting. Do you have a title yet?"
"Well I was thinking of '50 grades of shale'".

Posted on 20 Feb 2015 00:02:24 GMT
P. Cobb says:
...and the problem that needed working out, was which finger to use in the other nostril - the same one which was well rounded and matched the size of his nasal orifice, or his pinkie which he knew could be rotated fully..."

"Oh, no, dear," advised Fulla as she read Doreen's latest offering for ending her book. I don't think anybody would wish to read about a bogey man."

Posted on 19 Feb 2015 23:24:51 GMT
aquilegia says:
Winston stuck his large and grubby forefinger deep into his nasal cavity, twisted the digit this way and that, as if searching for a lost pea, then finally extracted his finger covered in a slick globule of green slime, which he rolled between his forefinger and thumb in a pensive manner. He then went over to the kitchen sink and washed his hands before proceeding to put on the kettle to make a cup of Earl Grey. He had been presented with a very intricate problem which would require considerable interaction among his dwindling grey cells. It would be a long night.

Posted on 19 Feb 2015 20:16:42 GMT
Handybird says:
"No, no! I said beef not horse!" Chappers replied with a wry smile.

Posted on 19 Feb 2015 19:06:13 GMT
land says:
Champion ,cooked rare please

Posted on 19 Feb 2015 10:32:22 GMT
P. Cobb says:
"What are the steaks?" asked Nora.
"Beef, I believe," replied Chappers. "That's the only meat Queenie has left."
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Discussion in:  fiction discussion forum
Participants:  731
Total posts:  9584
Initial post:  27 Sep 2011
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