Customer Discussions > fiction discussion forum

Come on - why don't we write our own book right here in the fiction forum ? I'll do the first sentence, and then jump in....hold on, here we go...

Sort: Oldest first | Newest first
Showing 1-25 of 1000 posts in this discussion
Posted on 22 May 2015 08:27:40 BDT
Handybird says:
Meanwhile, already their place secured at the harbour side, aboard the Salty Sue the crew were once again feeling restless.
"Um Captain?" Eeya asked, "Will we have time to go athore for a little thighttheeing?"
"Oo yeah a twip awound the hawbouw and lunch in a twendy café would make for a welcome tweat!" Peg agreed.
"Yeth Peg," Eeya interrupted, "but it thayth here in my travel brothure that Thaint Nathaire ith built 'to the Thouth of the thecond largetht thwamp in Franthe' and I'm thure - if we had time of courthe? - that it would make for a thuper and interethting excurthion Captain?"
"MINGIN' MONSTER MIDGES!" Betty Swallocks exclaimed in complaint.
"Oh no Bet! I'm thure there can't be any thwamp monthterth!"

"Or could there?" :O) thought to himself.

Posted on 20 May 2015 22:53:14 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"We're entering the docks and harbour of St Nazaire, Major," advised Glee. "The Captain asked me to let you know, and to tell you that The Amazonian AND Salty Sue are already here."
"Thanks, soldier, er, I mean sailor, er, I mean Glee. I'll ask Michael to row Hulkiho in the boat ashore. He, er, I mean she, er, I mean Hulkina or Hulkette or whoever, needs to get aboard the super yacht to get a job. There's gotta be some use for that ceremonial pole."
"There can't be too many women aboard the yacht with stubble, a deep voice, hairy legs and a loin cloth, Major," Glee suggested.
"It's not what we've heard from Bet, Glee."

Posted on 20 May 2015 17:14:14 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Just pull the dress down a little at the rear, dear," advised Fulla. "Your loin cloth is showing somewhat."
Doreen became a little flushed and made to leave the kitchen area.
"What's wrong, dear?" Fulla asked.
"Wrong, dear? There's nothing wrong. It-it's just given me an idea for a new novel."
"Have you a title for it yet?"
"Ooh, only a loose working title at present."
"Which is, dear?"
"Nursie's surprise package, dear."

Posted on 20 May 2015 12:22:33 BDT
Handybird says:
The two women gazed wide eyed in admiration at Hulkiho's manly form squeezed into the dress.
"Just keep your ceremonial pole in your hand Hulky," Fulla advised, "I'm sure the female crew of the Amazonian will find some use for it."
"Well dear, regardless of that, he certainly looks the part of a nurse. Why.." Doreen joked with a giggle, "I think he'd even make Ward Sister!"
Hulkiho scowled and replied.
"Hulkiho no sister! Hulkiho all man!"

Posted on 19 May 2015 10:30:45 BDT
Last edited by the author on 20 May 2015 12:26:36 BDT
Handybird says:
"Okay then ladies! That's a plan!" The Major replied excitedly, "Now all we need is .."
Hulkiho, suddenly appeared at their side before the Major could finish his sentence, also with him stood Atlan, (rescued from the Esa waves after he had foolhardily jumped in somewhere back on page 381) Marcus and Michael.
Remarkably and quite fortuitously, Major Peiter Verhoofhoften had Bet Llookalike's nurse's outfit stuffed in the pocket of his fatigue pants, "Here man! Put this on!" he ordered Hulkiho.
"Huh?" The man mountain queried as he took the dress and held it out in front of him to inspect.
"It's okay Hulky.." Fulla was quick to calm, "Do as the Major says."
Grudgingly, Hulkiho stepped into the tight fitting nurse's dress and after several attempts because of clumsy man fingers and no previous experience of female clothing he eventually managed to fasten the buttons, each one looking fit to pop at any second.
Not a little disgruntled, Hulkiho protested loudly, "No room for Hulkiho's pole!".

Posted on 18 May 2015 17:58:39 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Pek, Major? Can you elaborate?" asked Fulla.
"Just thinking aloud, ladies. I wonder if I can persuade Hulkiho to dress in one of Bet's sports bras and skirt? Or maybe her old nurse's outfit? According to Bet's descriptions of the Amazonian-style women on board the Amazonian-style yacht, Hulk could pass for one of their number. If only I could give him a close enough shave..."
"He had a close enough shave fleeing Crack-a-toe-Ahh, Major," replied Doreen.
"If we're talking Amazonian-style women, Major," said Fulla, "I wouldn't worry too much about the shave..."

Posted on 17 May 2015 08:39:24 BDT
Handybird says:
"Ship to ship Major? What exactly are you up to?" Doreen asked, snatching the last tin of Spam from Peiter Verhoofhoften's sweating palm.
Fulla looked worried, "If it's 'big guns' you're after Major, perhaps you should look to my man Hulkiho? He has biceps the size of rugby balls!"
"Mmm and pecs too!" Doreen added helpfully.
"Hmm.." The Major replied, taking off his cap and rubbing the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand, "you could be right ladies, without enough Spam, the next best thing might just be Pek!"

Posted on 13 May 2015 17:26:08 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"I've got no bazookas, so I can't," the major replied, remembering his weapon had been seized by Don Vimto Call-Me-Only on board his yacht, the Oh Focaccina.
'No, major, you haven't. It's only us ladies that have those, but I fail to see what our, ahem, lady bumps have to do with your frittering away the Spam," Fulla replied.
"If I could only get my hands on a pair of bazookas, or even one, I could try firing ship to ship."

Posted on 13 May 2015 12:18:50 BDT
Handybird says:
At which point Doreen Disgusted of Dagenham appeared in the kitchen with her friend and travelling companion, Fulla Stern by her side. Doreen looked at the Major, who was tossing the tin of luncheon meat from one hand to the other.
"I do hope you are not intending to squander wastefully that last tin of Spam Major!"
"No indeed.." Fulla agreed, "We can't afford to let you fritter it!"

Posted on 12 May 2015 19:51:33 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Popping down to the kitchen, he sorted through the depleted stores.
"Shucks," he said. "5 tins of chopped ham with pork, 3 of Argentinian corned beef, 18 tins of tuna chunks, 1 of dressed crab - didn't know we had that! I'll have that for my tea - oh, and just one tin of Spam! We'll need to be accurate when sending that over to the Amazonian. I wonder if it'll be enough?"

Posted on 12 May 2015 16:35:47 BDT
Last edited by the author on 12 May 2015 16:37:23 BDT
Handybird says:
Meanwhile, back aboard The Amazonian, Bet Llosingthewill had managed to regain entry into the RPG's Office Suite and, sifting through his personal data she discovered a list of his rules for maintaining a 'happy ship'. Skimming through them it was obvious that there were many things that offended the two faced alien creature, such as, profane or obscene, inflammatory or spiteful comments, messages that abuse, denigrate or threaten others, any racist, sexist, discriminatory or otherwise harmful statements that are offensive.
Bet pondered her problem of getting the RPG to fully discharge. It was obvious that more offensive posts were needed.
"Or!.." Bet thought to herself, "There could be another way? ... Hmm I wonder?"
Taking the RPG's mobile phone, she rang the Major again.
"Hello! Hello! Is that you Major?"
Aboard the ship of many names Major Peiter Verhoofhofen answered,
"Yup it's me soldier! How goes it with you?"
"I've had a major breakthrough Major, something that will surely cause the RPG to discharge sooner rather than later!"
"Well spit it out soldier!"
Bet took a deep breath and blurted out, "Spam!"
"Yessir! Spam!"
"Does the RPG really find Spam so offensive?"
"Well Sir, lots of folks do Sir and I think if there were a torrent of the stuff it might just do the trick! From your position Sir, you could bombard The Amazonian with Spam forcing the RPG to deal with it severely and so more quickly lose his power!"
There was silence whilst the Major mulled over Bet's suggestion.
"Well soldier it wouldn't be my ammunition of choice but if you think it'll work I'll see what I can muster."

Posted on 9 May 2015 11:08:24 BDT
P. Cobb says:
Bet looked at the folded cable and wondered how long it might take the RPG to fully discharge by being left on his own and getting hot under the collar - or not, as the General was in the sauna.
"Hmm, the more he uses his portable device the sooner it should happen," the North Dakota Mercenary said to herself. "What we really need are more people posting to test his patience. Then I should have free access to his computer, and The Amazonian is MINE! I wonder how things are faring aboard 'The North Dakota Dame'?"

Meanwhile... aboard The Rustbucket aka The PUB aka The North Dakota Dame, Doreen Disgusted of Dagenham had 'Just Woke (sic) Up' and had decided to dedicate her latest novel to the founder of the site.
"This one is entitled 'Knocked Out 74', Fulla," she told her friend.
"Sick, dear?" Fulla replied. "Hope you managed to get to the latrine in time."

Posted on 8 May 2015 09:10:27 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Phew!" exclaimed the RPG, his finger hovering over his delete command, "That was a close thing, I was getting hot then." The General hadn't realised Bet had turned the temperature of the sauna up to max.

Posted on 7 May 2015 15:10:16 BDT
Last edited by the author on 7 May 2015 15:11:59 BDT
Handybird says:
"It could be that he has an integral rechargeable cell giving him his power!"
"You think Sir?"
"I do and, if so, that might just be the way we're looking for to gain control of the yacht. Now soldier, listen up, it ain't gonna be an easy mission but if anyone can do it, you can!"
"Yes Major! Yes! Anything! Whaddya want me to do?" Bet answered, always keen and eager to please the Major.
"Not a pleasant task I know but, I want you to remain undercover and do your utmost to get inside the RPG's pants."
"His pants Major? But I'm way ahead of you! I'm already in them!"
"You are?" The Major exclaimed in surprise but highly impressed by his soldier's competence and devotion to duty he continued, "Good work soldier! Now, It's very possible that concealed within those pants he'll have an item he keeps for personal use only, something that gives him a little boost when he's feeling low and when he needs it most?"
"What does it look like Sir?"
"It's long and thin.."
"Hard Sir?"
"Probably more on the flexible side.."
"What do I do when I find it Sir?"
"Grab hold and hide it!"
"Hide it Sir?"
"Yes, if you keep it hidden, he'll no doubt fully discharge and then without power he'll be as putty in your hands!"
Aboard the super yacht Amazonian, the mercenary soldier, Bet Llookingfersummat, pushed her hands deep into the pockets of the RPG's trousers; trousers she had been wearing ever since leaving the Office Suite. Grinning she eventually pulled out a length of electrical cable and was certain it must be the RPG's personal battery charger.

Posted on 6 May 2015 14:06:38 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"Hello? Is that you, Major?" Bet Lleftonherown asked, while using the Rainforest Postmaster General's mobile phone.
"Afirmative, soldier. How's the situation?"
"Well, I thought it was all under control, sir, with the General locked in the sauna. However, I have just seen on his computer that he is still active. I don't know what he is using, but he has just deleted someone who tried his patience."
"We have seen this before, soldier. You said he was an alien with two faces; he must have an in-built device with a multi-byte rear-loading chip."
"I had wondered why he'd been stuffing his chips there, Major, but, where would he put the batteries?"

Posted on 6 May 2015 12:20:51 BDT
[Deleted by Amazon on 6 May 2015 13:06:57 BDT]

Posted on 6 May 2015 12:14:20 BDT
Jack relayed Nancy's reply to Staines.

"Roses are red, gold, pink or white,
Stop reading now, because this poem's..."

"Arr, what did she say, Jack Lad?"

"...Not very good."

Posted on 5 May 2015 20:12:31 BDT
P. Cobb says:
...which was heard by the Poet Tree and communicated to Nancy.

"If my love makes fun
'twould be most heinous,
For after all I sailed
on the Good Ship Venus.
But I remember he had a good sense of humour
so that wooden leg might be just a rumour."

Posted on 5 May 2015 17:14:45 BDT
Last edited by the author on 6 May 2015 07:24:16 BDT
Jack the Lad, inspired by the poetic mood, chimed in.

"The boy stood on the burning deck
his body all aquiver,
He gave a cough, his leg fell off,
and floated down the river...

Posted on 5 May 2015 10:13:42 BDT
P. Cobb says:
While out on the poop deck, the Poet Tree quivered - it was receiving a communication from Saucy Nancy on board the North Dakota Dame.

"This pining maid can no longer toil
All for the want of some linseed oil.
Joints have stiffened, along with my back,
Movement gone, I'm now a hat rack.

Once a majestic figurehead,
Now I'm part of someone's bed.
I'm Bobbie Brobbie's hammock post,
My spirit now no more than a ghost.

I loved my Captain, although somewhat hairy,
And was brought to life by the Sugar Plum Fairy.
But now I wish to be changed back,
No longer loved by my Sailor Jack.

Soon we'll be in dear ol' Blighty,
No dearest Jack to lift my nightie.
Instead, I communicate through telepathy,
Across the ether with you, Poet Tree."

Posted on 4 May 2015 18:27:41 BDT
Handybird says:
"Arrr Cap'n," said Voice Captain Staines, "Tell the Lad what yer do if sum sloimy toad troies te swoipe yer soap frum yer!"
Jack, Jack Tar looked surprised and replied,"Arrr Staines? What do Oi do?"
Intrigued, JtL then asked,"Yeah Cap'n, whaddya do if someone tries to nick your soap?"
Captain Jack winked knowingly at his Voice and turned to Jack the Lad telling him,
"Arrr.. swoipe 'em wi' me flannel o' course!"
Jack the Lad grimaced.

Posted on 4 May 2015 00:14:49 BDT
P. Cobb says:
"How about bending over forwards, eh, Captain?" asked Jtl.
"Arrrr, oi learnt ne'er te do that in the showers as a young elver when other seamen were at large," matey.
"Yeah, best to leave the soap where it is if you drop it, eh, Cap'n?"
"Arrrr, an' the splinters."

Posted on 3 May 2015 16:59:44 BDT
Last edited by the author on 3 May 2015 22:48:32 BDT
"Well, Oi don't know about that" replied the captain "Oi mean ter say, if someone wuz to offer to pull one out for me, Oi wouldn't bend over backwards to do it meself."

Posted on 3 May 2015 07:50:26 BDT
Handybird says:
"Arrr splinters be a roight pain Lad but Oi can usually manage te pull 'em out wi' moi teeth!"
Jack the Lad looked at Captain Jack in awe and exclaimed.
"Wow Cap'n! Now that really is impressive."

Posted on 2 May 2015 23:18:50 BDT
Last edited by the author on 2 May 2015 23:21:26 BDT
"Arrse splinters? They sound very painful!"
‹ Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... 389 Next ›
[Add comment]
Add your own message to the discussion
To insert a product link use the format: [[ASIN:ASIN product-title]] (What's this?)
Prompts for sign-in


This discussion

Discussion in:  fiction discussion forum
Participants:  736
Total posts:  9715
Initial post:  27 Sep 2011
Latest post:  8 hours ago

New! Receive e-mail when new posts are made.
Tracked by 29 customers

Search Customer Discussions