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Tell us a joke to cheer us all up.

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Posted on 15 Apr 2012 22:55:57 BDT
Last edited by the author on 15 Apr 2012 22:58:26 BDT
Clear Winner!
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to a Shopping Centre in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached a Sales Lady in lingerie where she asked, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The Sales Lady replied that she did not have one in stock, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she got the same negative reply.
After a third try at another department store, she became disgusted. She then left the Shopping Centre and drove to the nearest branch of Dunnes Stores. She marched up to a Sales Assistant, where she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
"Do you have anything for this?"
The Sales Assistant looked closely at her and replied........
"Have you tried Clearasil?"

Posted on 16 Apr 2012 10:27:07 BDT
A man is driving around the back streets of Chippenham.
He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden.

The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Labrador replies.

After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a load of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks
the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
the garden'

In reply to an earlier post on 16 Apr 2012 10:59:24 BDT
Last edited by the author on 16 Apr 2012 11:01:59 BDT
Hi Oracle,
First joke I ever heard as a child whilst enjoying a certain brand of potato crisps with my Grandad still cracks me up whenever I think about it - :o)
"How do you make a potato puff ?"
"Chase it round the garden?"
Hope it makes you smile ! :o)

In reply to an earlier post on 16 Apr 2012 11:17:30 BDT
A fellow walking along the pathway looked over the hedge and saw a hen pecking the grass. The hen looked up at the fellow and started to "cluck cluck " to him, so the fellow "clucked" back. This went on for sometime, then suddenly a police car pulled up. Out jumped two
policemen and grabbed the fellow and said, " We are arresting you "
The fellow said " Why ?, I`m only talking to this hen "
One of the policemen said " Yes ! That is why. You are using " FOWL "
language " Boom Boom !!!!!

Posted on 16 Apr 2012 11:28:13 BDT
A Khan says:
Why do men die before their wives?

.... becuase they want to

In reply to an earlier post on 16 Apr 2012 11:40:42 BDT
F. GIBSON says:
A man walking past a floist decided to take his wife a bunch of flowers as they looked so nice.Getting home he shouts, DARLING I've bought you some flowers. It shocks his wife,and she has a gilt complex, thinking she missed out on something and being upstairs decided to give him a bit of nuky. So, she strips off anlies on the bed, stark naked, legs wide open and shouts, DARLING I'm in the bedroom. He walks up stairs, and looks in the bedroom amazed at the sight. Whats this for darling. whats this for darling.... for the flowers, she replies. But darling, haven't you got a vase???

In reply to an earlier post on 17 Apr 2012 07:48:32 BDT
Billbow says:
I joined the local gym, I said to the manager who was showing round the workout area, " what machine do I have to use to pull that beautiful blond working out over there?" the manager replied, "the cash machine you fat dumbo!!

In reply to an earlier post on 17 Apr 2012 08:55:37 BDT
bluebird962 says:
Never tell a joke to a stupid dwarf..... it's not big & it's not clever!!!

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 12:41:31 BDT
sam tm says:
This is typical Aussie humour

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again'

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 13:19:38 BDT
Englishman,Irishman and Scotsman went to see Olympics,but had no tickets and were denied entry.So they walked around the stadium and saw competitors going in at the back entrance. So they go to a building site across the road. The Englishman grabs a cistern ballcock,goes to gate and says to doorman "John Smith- England- Shot Putt".He,s let in.The Scotsman Grabs a length of copper pipe,goes and says "Ewan McTavish-Scotland-Pole Vault".He,s let in.The Irishman gets a roll of barbed wire.He goes to gate and says "Paddy O,Toole-Ireland-Fencing".

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 18:25:20 BDT
sam tm says:
Tiger turns to Stevie Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevi e, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money,
and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that..
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 19:55:37 BDT
Last edited by the author on 17 Apr 2012 20:02:59 BDT
Vaseline Usage!
One day this guy was doing Market Research. He knocked on a door and was greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he said " Sorry for disturbing you but I am doing some Market Research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answered.
The researcher was taken aback. "Mmmm, I admire you for your honesty," he continued. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob of the bedroom so that our son and daughter cannot get in".

In reply to an earlier post on 17 Apr 2012 20:04:44 BDT
[Deleted by the author on 17 Apr 2012 20:05:20 BDT]

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 20:37:26 BDT
Veedub says:
BREAKING NEWS..............................................

Little Red Riding Hood is seriously ill, although she's improved.............. she's not out of the woods yet!!!!!!!

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 22:09:50 BDT
Veedub says:
An Oirish Story..
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a 20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
* 'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............scroll down.)

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Posted on 17 Apr 2012 22:25:51 BDT
Veedub says:
My Mrs has just asked me how many women I've made love to. I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

Posted on 18 Apr 2012 15:16:25 BDT
Last edited by the author on 18 Apr 2012 15:19:13 BDT
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Posted on 18 Apr 2012 19:06:43 BDT
Veedub says:
I'd being seeing this nurse for a few days and we finally got around to making love.......As I stripped off I said to her "You must have seen a few Willy's where you work, how do you rate mine?" She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most I see." I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way? "I'm a Midwife"" She says......................

Posted on 18 Apr 2012 19:13:44 BDT
Health Checks are important!

An old man goes to the Doctor for his yearly physical, with his wife keeping him company. When the Doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a Urine sample, a Stool sample and a Sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and shouts: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What does he want?"
His wife shouts back, "He needs your underwear."

Posted on 18 Apr 2012 21:01:12 BDT
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Posted on 19 Apr 2012 11:22:39 BDT
Sententious!

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her dressing gown and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here in the kitchen at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

In reply to an earlier post on 19 Apr 2012 14:15:41 BDT
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Posted on 19 Apr 2012 18:46:51 BDT
Last edited by the author on 17 May 2012 20:21:11 BDT
Tony says:
A dwarf lady went to the Doctors.
"Doctor, you have to help me! Every time it rains I get this terrible pain in my.. ahem... lady parts. I'm in agony! What's wrong with me?"
Doctor has a quick peek "I can't see anything wrong with it now. Come back and see me when it's raining"
A few days pass and as soon as it starts raining the dwarf lady hobbles into the doctors office.
"Please help me! Oooh it hurts!"
The doctor pops her up on his table, grabs a pair of scissors, sticks his head up her skirt and starts snipping away. When he's finished he pops her back down on the floor.
"Wow that's amazing Doc! It's stopped hurting! What did you do?"
"I just snipped a couple of inches off the top of your Wellingtons!"

Posted on 19 Apr 2012 18:50:05 BDT
[Deleted by the author on 19 Apr 2012 18:51:01 BDT]

Posted on 19 Apr 2012 18:50:54 BDT
Amazazee says:
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