Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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5.0 out of 5 stars
The best of the Bad Movie Police case files, 28 May 2006
Producer J. R. Bookwalter has come up with a pretty brilliant way of giving his own atrocious films a second chance to make a few bucks - by ridiculing his very own turkeys, he has turned his old, hopelessly unwatchable films into wickedly cool, hilarious viewing experiences. In Bad Movie Police Case #2: Chickboxer, Sgt. Elke Mantooth (Ariauna Albright) and Lt. Drucilla Dread (Lilith Stabs) are back, taking down the purveyors of bad cinema one at a time and warning us of the dangers these low-budget, low-talent directors pose to all of us. This time, they even get to kick a little butt during the film's introductory segment. After breaking up a cinematic crime in progress and warning us of the dangers of bad movies in general, the girls tell us about director "Yolonda Squatpump," one of the most-wanted cine-terrorists in the world. After detailing this director's top ten crimes against good cinema in the film Chickboxer, they present us with the evidence of the movie itself.
I really shouldn't admit this, but I thought Chickboxer was actually a pretty good movie. I'm probably the only person on Earth who would even think of saying this, as even the cast and crew have nothing good to say about the whole experience, but there it is. I agree that the movie looks like it was filmed on a cheap video camcorder (because it was), had nothing that could properly be termed a budget, boasted some pretty bad acting, suffered from audio problems that made some of the dialogue a little hard to make out, and was just pretty stupid an idea in the first place. That's probably why I like it, and everyone else hates it. And, hey, it throws you a bone in the form of a short soft porn scene with Michelle Bauer at the very end, so you can't say J. R. Bookwalter and crew never gave you anything.
If this film were known at all, it would be best known for its excruciating opening credit sequence (which is, rather sadistically, featured on the end credits as well). As the names roll across the screen and some cheesy heavy metal plays in the background, the viewer is forced to watch a woman completely lace up a pair of shoes - boring to the nth degree, but there is actually a story behind it. Producer J. R. Bookwalter actually filmed the suspenseful shoelace scene twice - the first time with his wife Tina pulling the strings. When it came time to package the movie anew, that footage was gone because Bookwalter had actually copied over some of the master tapes for another film called Ozone (which says a lot about Bookwalter's pride in his work) - the version that BMP viewers are forced to endure actually features Ariauna Albright's hands and pink Converses.
As for the plot, it's all about this girl who dreams of becoming a superhero. Julie Ann Suscinksi plays Kathy, the second-oldest high school student I've ever encountered. She's a frumpy thing who depends on Chickboxer, her very favorite TV show, to get her through each unhappy week. She has the hots for the school's scrawny football star (James L. Edwards) and dreams of being a superhero like her favorite action heroine. Defying her parents, she signs up for a karate class with the world's worst "master" (James Black) - and soon thereafter, for the first time in her life, something actually happens. Her quiet little town is knee-deep in a secret conspiracy involving the mayor, the police chief, and some decidedly unimpressive Mafioso types. This is a job that calls for Chickboxer - but, unfortunately, only Kathy is available. Can she take on the role of her hero and save the day?
Don't expect a lot of gratuitous violence here, as the few moments of chickboxing are hopelessly inept and unintentionally hilarious. Michelle Bauer fans shouldn't get too terribly excited about Chickboxer, either, as she gets only limited screen time (and let me just say that her naughty scene at the end is indeed related to the story, but, since we're talking about a naked Michelle Bauer, who cares if it's related or not, anyway?). Finally, let me just repeat the fact that I am probably the only person on earth who actually liked this movie, but the whole Bad Movie Police concept goes a long way toward making the whole experience entertaining, no matter how horrible you find the feature film.
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