Zeta One [DVD] [1969]

Despite a memorable publicity campaign based around girls in space-age bikinis- one of whom ended up on the cover of Cinema X magazine- the film opened at provincial British cinemas over the Christmas season of 1970 then pretty much disappeared without a trace. These days Zeta One has achieved some novelty status on account of many of its female cast members later finding success as Cleavage Queens in Hammer Horror movies. Significantly none of these actresses have fond memories of the production, Yutte Stensgaard claimed she felt exploited by her spivvy father-in-law manager who didn't tell her about her nude scenes until she turned up on set, Valerie Leon's sole memory of the film was that Cort was as strange as his only directing job suggests while the late Imogen Hassall once joked someone must have been looking out for her the day she turned down the opportunity to play an 'Angvian girl'. Zeta One is true to its saucy photo-magazine origins in one sense- its better to experience the film through its stills rather than sit though it as a whole. The film's awkward structure that always keeps Hawdon one step behind the main plotline, lends suspicion that his scenes were ghost directed by a Tigon hack in an attempt to make the original directors vision more 'commercial'- a situation that occurred with the same year's Tigon horror opus The Haunted House of Horror/ Horror House. Pure speculation I admit, but Hawdon's character does come across as an afterthought, rarely interacting with the rest of the characters, and at one backing off from a fight between alien women and men in deerstalker hats because...he's forgotten to bring his Wellington boots!

Moving with the times, 1970's variations on the theme like The Sexplorer and Outer Touch ... both required there 'starlets as alien women' to do something a little bit more provocative than run around the British countryside freezing their backsides off while pretending to fire invisible rays from their hands.

If you read the summary of the film, you will be wondering if you were sent the wrong movie as you watch the opening third of the movie. This may be the most boring twenty-five minutes ever caught on film; even the big strip poker scene is mind-numbingly tedious. Worst of all, we have to spend so much time with the film's main character James Word. I would not even insult James Bond by calling James Word a poor spoof of the man. Word is a spy of some sort who spends most of his time in bed. This is made possible by strange women who magically appear in his apartment from out of the blue. Girl number one is his boss' secretary, which allows her to see through Worth's "brilliant" fake moustache disguise; she pumps him for information about his latest mission, but he has other things on his mind. Did I mention the fact that Worth is a pitiful, rather slimy specimen of manhood? Anyway, Worth eventually opens up and tells girl number one this incredible story about a race of superwomen and the master criminal who tried to conquer them.

Yes, a Major Bourdon and his bespectacled dweeb of an assistant Mr. Swyne have learned of the existence of a race of superwomen who live - well, no one really knows where they live; we do know they kidnap selected Earth women in order to brainwash them and make them a part of their female-only society. Major Bourdon is determined to get to the bottom of this for some reason that is never explained. Luckily for him, the Zeta women (Zeta is the name of their leader; I could never understand the name they were given in the film) all dress in identical mini-dresses and go-go boots, making it easy to follow them. (The mini-dresses and go-go boots are pretty much all this film has going for it.) Swyne learns that a certain stripper (actually, none other than the "Queen of the G-strings") is to be the next kidnapped girl, and Bourdon puts his plan in motion of discovering how (and where) to conquer these alien women. It all goes downhill from here. I won't describe the silly information we learn about the mysterious Amazon-like women's society or Word's proclivity for bedding every strange woman that appears from out of nowhere in his bedroom. Word does finally drag himself out of bed toward the end of the film, but he soon returns to the only place he seems to care about. Don't worry too much about the alien women; they have a Plan 69 for anything, it seems. You won't believe the weapon these girls use on silly human men, but you will see the absolutely predictable ending coming from a mile away.

Truly, Zeta One (aka Alien Women) is one of the most ridiculous films I have ever seen. You can have a lot of fun with this film if you make a big party out of it and settle in with a bunch of friends to watch what is the ultimate embodiment of cinematic silliness; apparently, this film exists only for the purpose of being laughed at. Keep a special eye out for the big and absolutely ridiculous "elevator" scene.