Ave Maria [VHS] [2003]

Affleck's performance stands out like a sore thumb in this 2003 film. He hosted "Saturday Night Live" last week and he appears only slightly more comfortable in this film than he did in some of the lame skits he was put into on live television. Affleck plays the title character in "Gigli" (apparently there are pronunciation issues with the name), and he is supposedly the muscle for Louis (Lenny Venito), a foul-mouthed L.A. mobster. However, that would be "muscle" in the tradition of Rocky Balboa in the first "Rocky," except with less muscle and maybe less brains. He talks tough (he's apparently the "Sultan of Slick"); so tough that it is clear he is way over his head in this business and that is before Louis comes up with the stupid idea of kidnapping the mentally retarded brother of a federal prosecutor to help out a New York City mob boss.

So, Gigli abducts young Brian (Justin Bartha) from his care facility and takes him home, where he is joined by Ricki (Jennifer Lopez). She is everything that he is not, by which I mean she has serious presence as a mob enforcer, is a woman, and a lesbian. Now, at this point we are supposed to acknowledge the heavy presence of the Bennifer phenomena and talk about how the on-screen chemistry between the two stars, who were either going together or actually engaged at this point in their roller coaster relationship, is below that of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman let along Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn. But my point of reference at this point was actually "Chasing Amy," the first film in which Affleck's character fell in love with a lesbian and discussed the merits of heterosexual versus homosexual sex.

The best scene in this film is when Gigli and Ricki make a case for their respective genitalia. He delivers his bit standing up, shirtless, making forceful gestures. She responds while reclining on the floor showing off her abs and doing stretching exercises that are almost as persuasive as the words she speaks. When she is done even Gigli knows she is right, which is saying something since so little gets through his thick head. But after that his character starts to calm down a bit and while Affleck never really fits into the movie, he pretty much stops going against the grain at that point.

There are other noteworthy scenes in this film, although they all have to do more with characters than plots as a series of supporting characters come in have shining moments. At one point while everybody is hiding out there is a knock on the door and in works Christopher Walken, who plays a cop and delivers what may well be the most eccentric line reading of a speech in his legendary career of eccentric line readings. Lainie Kazan plays Gigli's mother who certainly does not respond in the traditional way to learning that the beautiful woman her son is with is a lesbian. Then there is the mob boss from New York City, who turns out to be Al Pacino; say no more. This might be a three star movie but it has all these five star scenes that help keep it afloat. No way this was the worst film of 2003; that has to be "My Boss's Daughter."

Yes, there are holes in this plot. You think that kidnapping the mentally retarded brother of a federal prosecutor is not something that is going to get covered on the news? So taking Bryan out in public is pretty stupid. But then if reality was the true standard for this film then neither Gigli or Ricki would be mob muscle, so there. The end of the film leaves a lot to be desired because it stumbles around trying to find something to pass off as a happy ending: I was thinking along the lines of putting Bryan on a plane to Australia (because Down Under is a key part of this film). But things drag out so long that you have plenty of time to make up words to a title song for "Gigli" to the tune of "Gigi." Still, it is hard not to have some affection for a film that so many people hate just because of a quartet of scenes that offer memorable performances.

There is no real problem with the look of the film or the acting - J-Lo and Ben Affleck act well enough, just that not much is required for them to do. I hope the poor chap given the role as the disabled character wasn't given an oscar prospect. No matter how convincing his performance was, it was lost in amongst the offensive script and power of the 2 off-screen-lover stars.

Having watched, in agony, Pearl Harbour, I can understand why Ben Affleck may have got mixed up in it (Mr Affleck, did you read the script or was it all a surprise?), but J-Lo? When your other half agrees to play a character who comically throws a disabled person into a wall and continuously verbally abuses him, surely alarm bells should be ringing.

Who persuaded who to star in this? I'm sure that Al Pacino and Christopher Walken were victims of deception here - were they given the rest of the script or just that for their cameos? May be Al Pacino crossed Martin Brest on-set of Scent of a Woman and Brest spent the following 10years scheming to make him look ridiculous? If that be the case, it worked. How was this film pitched?

The only way I can describe it is a cross between 'Rain Man' and 'See no Evil, Hear no Evil', then tossing in a kidknapping and a lesbian. Someone must have blagged it like a good'un or the panel were very sick-minded people with a disregard for their studio's money and it's audience.

Having watched the film, I just wanted a director's commentary to explain a) why Martin Brest wrote it; b) why it was funded; c) TO EXPLAIN THE PLOT. The script is so shot through with holes that all that remains to remember is J-Lo posing and stretching to awkward-looking positions whilst talking about why she is a lesbian(appreciated) and Ben Affleck bullying some disabled bloke in the name of comedy. I believe there is a plot involving the disabled bloke being a federal officer's brother and a kidknapping to pervert the course of justice but it's possible I read that somewhere.

I know - I knew the score before watching it, so I'm not going to demand compensation for wasting 2hrs of my life, yada-yada, but to anyone who hasn't heard the score on this, please note it is UTTER RUBBISH - The actors try their best but it's either all ab-libbed or the script doctor was out of the office. Even Blockbuster said they had to get rid of their copies because no one wanted it.

As far as getting all heated up because in the film Ben Affleck's character Gigli makes some not so "politically correct" comments about Brian (Justin Bartha)...well, even if I personally would refrain from saying those kinds of things....let's be honest.... most of us would have lost our cool too if we had been suddenly saddled with and forced to deal with a mentally challenged person!

Please be honest. How many of us would really like to have a person, like Brian, who is difficult to deal with....feeding him, keeping him occupied, talking to him, putting him to bed, etc. as an unexpected guest in our apartment or house? Ben's character in this movie is NOT a social worker or a doctor or a nurse...or even a member of Brian's immediate family....he is a thug! So what do you expect? Get real! : )

Another important thing to remember is that this is a film that makes no big pretence...it doesn't promise any more than it delivers...which is a few hours of good hearted fun with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck plus two cameo appearances: Al Pacino and Christoper Walken! And what is so wrong with that?