When I discovered that Chrissy had learning difficulties, I assumed the next step would be an appointment with a specialist who would tell us the exact nature of her problems – a diagnosis. I expected to be given some idea what ‘mental age’ she would reach, and what obstacles we might face in future. How wrong we were. I gradually realised that medical professionals had no more idea than I did about how to treat Chrissy’s condition. I felt that Chrissy had been marginalised and I had been treated as an inadequate parent because no one knew what was wrong with her.

I believed Chrissy’s challenging behaviour was unique or, at least, very rare. Now I know that there are many other families like ours living with a much-loved child, whose behaviour is a nightmare to cope with. Our love for our children is unconditional and remains undiminished when confronted with behaviour we find abhorrent. Sometimes that love isn’t enough. Family life becomes a war zone and the child may need to live somewhere else. Unless you have been there, it is hard to understand the wrench of parting with a child in order to function as a family.

Divorce is all too common in families like ours and it is often the mother left coping alone. Ensuing social factors, such as poverty, often contribute to the problem behaviour and compound the parent’s feelings of isolation.

It took us 15 years to gain any semblance of normality to family life, and to understand why Chrissy’s challenging behaviour occurs and how best to deal with it. In my quest for help I did my own research, which then prompted me to write my book and features about other challenging children.

Having Chrissy has taught me about acceptance and unconditional love. I have discovered personal strengths (and weaknesses!) I didn’t know I had. After spending years in the thick of it, I now have the space to appreciate Chrissy as she is. The challenging behaviour is a small price to pay for the other side of the coin – Chrissy’s gentle, graceful side, her sense of fun and the ridiculous, her own unconditional affection, the laughter and pleasure she brings those who meet her, her unique way of seeing the world.

I no longer grieve for the ‘perfect’ child I should have had. Without her disability and challenging behaviour she would not be Chrissy.