Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships (Paperback)

Away from work recently with a wicked case of pharyngitis, I stopped by the local bookshop on the homeward-bound trip to recuperate. Decided to look in the Romance & Matrimony section. Pulling up and collapsing in a chair, and then spending an hour perusing all the various manuals and how-to's within arm's reach, I decided on this book as the hands down favorite and superior read and investment of my hard-earned dollars..

Dr. Schnarch has several techniques which, (as pointed out by the previous reviewers), are designed to cure the disease and not the symptoms of marital unhappiness. Very exciting to read, and very human in the best meaning of that term. The key element appears to be his synthesis of sex and marriage therapies.

I'm not sure if it has helped my marriage; however it has helped me to function better within my marriage, with more realistic expectations.

Perhaps my favorite passage is where the author points out to a couple that their having marital problems is not a failure, but in fact an inevitability of being married. Clearly, modern mass society - many radio & TV "personalities" (?), the breakdown of morality (from whatever cause), political correctness, etc. have ignorantly and unintentionally furthered a pepsi generation/drive-through-window culture which is long on desires but a little bit wanting in the character and resilience department. And so, this book attempts to fill this terrible vacuum which day-to-day living's legacy has bestowed on each of us,- provide a blueprint on how to achieve an intimate and meaningful human relationship of quality and depth in our all-too-often plastic and shallow age.

A tour de force, and well worth the cash, too, for anyone serious about making the most of their investment and time remaining in their "significant other" relationship. Well done, Dr. Schnarch!!!

Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage. New York: Norton, 1997, 432p.

Passionate Marriage David Schnarch introduces us to a form of sex therapy that goes beyond the sensate focus approach on which modern sexual therapy has been based in order to get to the heart of how couples become present with each other. Some couples have the tendency to focus on the mechanics of sex: achieving an erection in males and lubrication in females, and the follow through to orgasm. Schnarch says this misses the entire point of sex which is the emotional and intimate connection that provides contact and facilitates growth in relationship.

Through the establishment of self validation and personal integrity through differentiation* Schnarch encourages individuals in committed relationships to maintain a sense of self that sets the boundaries, desires, and goals for their interaction. This done he encourages them to bring their sperate selves together in a way that enables them to maintain their individual integrity while giving and accepting attention and affection and making contact with each other that allows them to use their sexual togetherness to relate to each other.

Specific tools recommended by Schnarch to promote intimacy include: hugging till relaxed, eyes open foreplay; mental dimensions of sexual experience, eyes open orgasm, making contact during sex, as well as "doing and being done."

Of hugging till relaxed he says a great deal can be learned about how two people hug each other. He notes that some of his clients absolutely could not stand to continue a hug for more than a few seconds before coming to therapy. Schnarch looks at reasons why some people might be uncomfortable with this type of touching in order to uncover the emotional and mental dramas that prevent intimacy. Similarly he notes how some couples have never considered the possibility of being in the moment, with the light on and with their eyes open during foreplay, intercourse, and orgasm. He notes that state that the majority of those questioned have not experienced orgasm while looking at their partners and many consider it unthinkable to do so and that he has even been challenged by other sex therapist who think "eyes open orgasm" is of little value.

Of "doing and being done" he states:

"Doing is consistently described as: (a) moving into your partner, (b) tasting his or her essence, (c) ravishing him/her with fervor and generosity, (d) sending him or her to the edge, and (e) experiencing your own eroticism in the process. Doing someone is pleasurable in itself, but your partner reciprocates by receiving." (264)

He adds that: "Being done involves surrender, union, and the power of receiving" (266)

Schnarch believes sexuality is an opportunity for self enrichment and discovery through connection with other. Sometimes it is thwarted because of childhood traumas that hide in the psyche and sabotage individual's ability to be present, in the moment, during intimate or sexual exchanges. Often control issue dramas or elaborate defense mechanisms prevent connections.

Schnarch also states that couples always have the same level of differentiation, and that it is not true, as some maintain when entering therapy, that one is more differentiated than the other. Because of this, when one member of the couple grows the other is forced to. Schnarch draws two circles in a diagram to explain how this works. The inner circle he calls the "comfort circle," the outer one, "the growth circle."

He states that often individuals fight for years to prevent moving into the growth circle because of the turmoil that comes into relationships when that path is taken, however he also notes that if they refuse to grow the relationship will fail. He encourages couples to enter the growth circle without the battle of wills that often mark the boundaries of war that overpower relationships. He states that doing so on a regular basis when problems are small, enables couples to deal with relationship and individual issues before they get too large and frightening to face. He further notes that doing so expands their ability to accept and embrace change so that when real life threatening changes come along, couples are prepared to face them.

Schnarch speaks of marriage as "The Sexual Crucible," a container in which the individuals in a committed relationship can change within the bonds of matrimony. He gives advice on how couples can "hold on" to themselves during arguments, instead of reacting and escalating them.

One key to holding onto yourself is to stop disproving that there is "something wrong with you" or claiming that you're good enough the way you are. Stop inviting your partner to "prove" you need to change. People don't change when they feel under attack --- and defending yourself invites attack. The issue isn't whether you're good enough the way you are. It's a question of who you want to be. (337)

When a couple has an argument, Schnarch recommends: "stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself"(338). He uses the metaphor of climbing a mountain to make his point. He ask how sensible it would be to approach the mountain and expect the mountain to come down to us? Instead it is us who must change, work, transverse the spire in order to get to the top. It is the individual who has to do the work to reach the summit of the mountain or self fulfillment in relationship.

Schnarch states: "Becoming is never safe or secure, especially if we're dependent on a reflected sense of self. We don't get to stop when we're scared or uncomfortable, because we grow by going into the unknown" (400).

Schnarch's book is no light read. It is not the kind of popular, "best seller" you will find in the check out isle of the supermarket that gives three easy steps to nirvana. It is a serious work for those who are seriously ready to examine, willing to possibly dismantle, begin to rebuild, and greatly improve their relationships.

*NOTE: Webster's Dictionary lists one of the meanings of differentiate as: "5: to express the specific distinguishing qualities of:". Schnarch uses the term the way it is used by Psychologists, Murry Bowen, to establish a balance between the ability of self to come together with others or to seperate, or individuate from others.

Richard Peek