This book grew out of a life-changing experience I had during some successful therapy to help me through a devastatingly difficult work situation. Out of the difficulties I was facing blossomed feelings about myself I’d never had before.

These feelings were tremendously exciting. They came from deep within me and the transformation was magical. The feelings were that I was a valuable and worthwhile person. Although these feelings did actually only last a few months I went from having been in self-destruct mode for several years to being able to say, very gradually and tentatively, ‘I’m OK.’ I began to feel loved, cared for and valued. That love, care and value had been there for years, but I couldn’t see it until then. I had persistently stayed in my brainwashed state from childhood, when I was told repeatedly that I was no good, useless, ugly and a terrible person. I have to admit that I have no idea exactly how or why that change to feeling OK took place, but my main qualification for writing this book is that it did actually happen!

The start of the journey

Twenty years ago I had no idea that my fundamental problem with life was that I believed that I was useless and hopeless. I had never heard of ‘low self-esteem’.

Then I went to a women’s group one evening and the speaker was someone I had known vaguely – our partners were colleagues. She had come to talk as a psychologist about depression which was why I had gone to the meeting that day. She asked us what we thought was the most common problem with which people came to psychologists and psychiatrists. I said caring for young children at home, but she said no, it was low self-esteem. I remember the impact of that moment. Not only had I dared to open my mouth and been seen to be wrong, but I had no idea at all what low self-esteem was. I sat there thinking I could be from another planet for all I understood about what this woman was saying. But she went on to explain that low self-esteem was about having feelings of worthlessness and the way in which some people believe themselves to be no use.

I listened to her and, once I got beyond thinking that she was talking in a foreign language, I realized that she was describing my innermost feelings. How did this woman know that I felt I had no significance? How come she was able to sit there and tell me what I was thinking better than I could have described it myself?

I remember sitting spellbound. Someone had just given me a key to unlock a new part of my life that had been cramping everything that I did and had kept me trapped in depression and anxiety for years. The feelings were huge. There was the thrill of something new, but also the terrible fear of the unknown.

Reading this book might be a bit like that for you. Self-discovery is always at least a bit exciting, but often utterly painful and frightening…….

It has taken me more than seven years on and off to write the book. Inevitably it reflects both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ therapy I have had over the years, my struggles, my hopes, my dreams and my failures…….

A special note for those who are depressed If you are depressed, go gently with the book. (It is terribly important to go to your doctor if you are depressed.) Some of it is much more robust than you might be able to cope with at the moment. Just leave bits that are tough and move on to bits you can cope with. You’ll be able to come back to the tough bits another time.