The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace (Paperback)

`Are there any good men left out there?'
`I have been really hurt in the past and don't trust easily'
`I want to meet a man who will be my soul mate, who will hold my hand, connect with me in every way, and look deep into my heart'

After reading the first chapters in this book I realised that some of the advice in this book would be valuable to a lot of women. Instead of writing stuff that sounds too cynical, deep, self-pitying, or too much like the blurb from a self-help book, it would be much better if women used short sentences and sounded confident and happy. If you were out and about and a man came up to chat, you wouldn't start telling him about your difficult divorce or that you find it hard to `let go' in a relationship. Instead you'd be light-hearted and bright - so why should it be any different online? The strict advice about not getting carried away with e-mail and instant messages also sounded good - I know about a few people who spend their lives instant messaging and trawling chat rooms - they don't have time for anything else and mostly never end up meeting their online buddies!

The bad points about this book are broadly the same ones that I made about The Rules (a book the same authors wrote for dating in general). The authors constantly blame the fact that a woman `broke the Rules' (in however small a way) as the reason why her relationship ended. For example, they describe relationships that end when a woman e-mails a guy back before the regulation 24 hours are up or when she accepts dates for Saturday on Thursday (you're supposed to be asked by Wednesday), or sends a `thank you' e-mail after a lovely date. In my opinion if a man really likes you, he will be pleased that you e-mail him back quickly sometimes, accept some spontaneous dates and so on. Of course, you cannot behave this way all the time, but on some occasions this is appropriate. I believe that sometimes men are just NOT the right guy for you - yes, you could follow all the Rules and end up married to him (because he's the kind of guy who likes that you hardly expect any attention and never initiate things) but you'll be unhappy in the long run. You need to combine some sensible Rules behaviour with the ability to be yourself and initiate a few e- exchanges to see whether he runs for the hills or respects you as an equal and not an animal to chase after.

The second problem is that the authors seem to encourage women to become dependant on the Rules and their advice. Here is a quote from the book, p.162: `Julie is a true-blue Rules girl. She reads the books regularly, even highlights them, and she doesn't make a move without first consulting us or a Rules contact'. Does this sound normal to you? This woman is so scared of making a `wrong move' that she has to pay the authors for consultations and ask other Rules women what to do. This woman clearly is scared of failure and has low self-esteem. She needs to get some confidence and trust herself, rather than relying on a prescribed list of what and what not to do. Dependency is not good. Imagine you discovered after you were married that your wife consulted with a dozen people before every e-mail and date to make sure she `behaved' in the right way. I'm sure you'd be shocked and freak out, to say the least.

Overall the book has some good advice. I think that Rules behaviour is more appropriate for online dating because you could spend hours e-mailing and discussing your private thoughts and yet never meeting the guy you're telling everything to. Questions such as `what are your long-term goals?' and `tell me everything about your job...' are not appropriate when you haven't (and may never) meet your pen pal. As we all know, someone may look good on paper but there may be zero chemistry and he might be nothing like his `sensitive' and `romantic' e-mails.

JoAnne