For God's Sake, Don't Watch Porn for Pointers: And 101 Other Scraps of Advice from the Nuisance Lady, America's Crankiest Advice Columnist (Paperback)

Tips on Women for Men - Never ask for an evaluation at the end. One "was it good for you?" is enough to make any woman leap into her Levi’s and run screaming into the street, even if it’s her apartment.And, for God's Sake don't watch porn for pointers those women are paid to look like they're enjoying it.

Tips on Men for Women - Any man who can be emasculated with anything less than a meat clever, isn’t worth the lipstick.

Family and Insanity (almost a redundancy) - What do you do when Grandpa’s in the backyard in his birthday suit catching fire flies at two o'clock in the afternoon? (Threaten him with Sunnydale Rest Home. If that doesn’t work, throw a raincoat over him, call the cops, and tell them that there’s a strange, saggy-kneed flasher in your backyard. Are you worried sick and silly because Mom insists on keeping a 57 magnum in her underwear drawer? Just call the cops back and tell them that now there’s a strange near-sighted woman chasing the saggy-kneed flasher around the backyard with a big gun. (Hey, what do you pay taxes for?) If that doesn’t work, think about making a generous contribution to the gun-control lobby. You can argue that citizens have the right to bear arms, but your mother..?

Child Rearing And All Its Ugly Heads - What do you do when your son comes home from kindergarten wanting to know the origin of the species? Use the anatomically correct terminology or you’ll end up with a thirty-five year old trial lawyer who still refers to his King Do Do. (Talk about lowered -or raised - expectations.) Or, what do you do when your daughter comes home from four years of very high-priced higher education and plops herself down on the sofa only getting up six months later to demand $1500 for a clown training course? You're happy she’s finally found what she wants to do with her life, but birthday party clown isn't exactly what you had in mind. Hey, balloon animal-making is better than sofa-sitting and maybe if you’d sprung for Ho Ho the Happy Clown at her fifth birthday party this wouldn’t have happened. You have no one to blame but yourself.

Etiquette for the Addicted - One should not make a big fuss when someone is discharged from a place of enforced abstention, as that only makes the newly-rehabilitated feel self-conscious. A simple ‘how’s it going, man?’ will do. At the very most, slip them a good cigar.
Warnings Against the Underindulged - BEWARE THE VICELESS. Not having any vices; not wanting to smoke, drink, or sleep with anything. Or worse, being tempted to smoke, drink, or sleep with something and having the self-discipline to refrain - all the time - it just ain't normal.

Career Counseling for Misguided Socialites (Searching for Their Paths in Life) - Little do the little dears realize that people who have to work for a living don’t have ‘paths’ they have jobs - jobs which sometimes require you to dress up in a plastic cowgirl outfit "mosey" up to tables of complete strangers and say, "Howdy folks, you cowpokes ready for some good grub tonight?" (or, even worse, ones that force you to sit in a cubicle next to a knuckle-cracking, gum-snapping, toe-tapping psychopath for 16 hours a day)

What about when you’re simply feeling Angst-ridden about a society in which instant gratification is the name of the game and thrills still aren’t cheap enough? You know who to blame, don’t you? Ralph Lauren. He started it all with his polo-shirts and his look-like-a-Connecticut-WASP-even-if-you’ve-never-played-field-hockey-or-stepped-foot-on-Nantucket-in-your- life marketing campaign. His name is definitely at the top of the "Responsible for the Decline of Western Civilization" list.

Whether you’re downcast, dejected, demented, or just plain depressed the Nuisance Lady will tell you just what you deserve, but not necessarily what you want, to hear. She’ll even throw in a free cup of wake-up-and-smell-the coffee.