Secrets of Relationships Success (Paperback)

When your friends keep wrenching the biscuit tin from your grip and you have been bought a cup with the words "Does my bum look big in this?"; it is definitely time to diet. However, dieters beware. Has your new quest for the ultimate thinness gone too far? The table below contains ten tips on how not to push your partner out of the door:

1. Because you want to diet, don’t inflict your new regime on everyone in the home. If you fill his plate every night with lettuce, don’t be surprised if he sets up a new organisation called "Bunnies Anonymous" where callers ring in begging for proper food.

2. Don’t snatch the lollipop from out of your two~year old’s grip with the words, "She’ll thank me for this later". You may well be met with the retort from your partner that you will be pushing her to run off with the first man who lets her finish her lollipop in later life.

3. Don’t tear your partner’s Magnum ice~cream from his hands just as he sinks his teeth into it. Not only will he go into spasms as the giant icy piece you forced into his mouth drops in, but you are likely to encounter the incredible hulk less than five seconds later.

4. Don’t tell your partner that you can only diet if he does, especially if he loved his food. Always remember the adage "Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean ~ a real sweet pair of neurotics" (Jack Starky).

5. Don’t force yourself into his gym to take up a new exercise regime. Remember, a man’s gym is his castle. If you go faster than him on the cross trainer, he will want to go faster and so on until the competitive between you will cause one of you to collapse.

6. Don’t insist on putting all the family on the cabbage soup diet. Whilst you might find that you all arrive at your destinations that much quicker, propelled by natural fuel, the greenhouse effect and global warming will directly be affected, dooming mankind in it’s wake. The simple motto "don’t eat cabbage soup to disaster" should be your mantra.

7. When going to your own gymnasium, do not try to be Miss Gold Olympics on the first day. If you try every machine and weights, your muscles will contract with pain spasms and you are likely to resemble Quasimodo for at least two weeks ~ a sight that your partner might not be proud of. He will not thank you when he has to do everything when you find you can’t cook, clean or take the children to school as a result.

8. Don’t keep asking your partner if he has noticed that you have lost half a pound every two minutes. Men get very resentful if you ask them first, because they like to be the one that notice and tell you that you look good. So next time you ask and get the response "You look no different from when you last asked me two minutes ago, as you turn sideways in the mirror for the fifth time that morning, don’t be surprised!!

9. There is nothing a man hates last more than a whining partner. Don’t keep saying "Oh, I wish I could lose weight", at the same time as stuffing a cream bun in your mouth. Men can sometimes be more logical creatures than women. If they have a problem they try to solve it so as Mr Spock would observe, your behaviour is "illogical".

10. Try not to scream "Bitch" every time a thin woman passes you and your partner by. Men find this most disconcerting.

If you want a happy way to get thin, throw away the scales, start to exercise three times a week and eat a healthy diet. You will soon be gliding blissfully into a size ten.