Your Competent Child [Paperback]

I have read the Danish version of this book and have recommended it to everyone I know ever since. If you are going to read one book about child rearing, I suggest this one. It contains some very simple principles that will leave you wondering if that is really all it takes. When you've tried it out, however, you will be wondering instead how some situations that used to take up so much of your time and energy (e.g. the wellknown experience of taking your children to the supermarket) can now be handled without conflict. (Note however, that the book is not (only) about how to handle conflicts with you children but about child rearing in general). The book gives everyday examples that makes it very down to earth and at the same time gives you some places to start applying the principles, which seem so simple, but really (at least to many people) take a whole new way of thinking about your child. That is, as a competent person whose statements about what they want should be taken seriously even if you can't or won't give it to them. And how they feel should be taken seriously even if you can't or won't change the situation. Sounds cryptic? Read the book.

INTRO:
Okay, I am barely a new parent (expecting our first child) and have not read many books in this genre (child development and upbringing). I have seen this book on a local community college bookstore shelves but the subtitle "Toward New Basci Values for the Family" sent the wrong message to a conservative like me. The amount of wisdom, introspective reflection the reader has to do, and examples provided compell me to give this a 5 star and to write the review title given. Here in Denmark, I have even met Danes that read the book no less than five times (due to content being so rich and thought-provoking).

AUTHOR:
"Jesper Juul, born in Denmark in 1948, is a family therapist. He is the director of the Kempler Institute of Scandinavia, a center for family therapy, and Family Counseling International in Croatia." What I liked about Jesper is that he has a lot of experience with families from different continents and cultures, and is also humble enough to recognize that he had also made mistakes while raising his son.

CONTENT:
From the Introduction, Jesper Juul sounds like a good friend with a mild tone that wants to challenge our way of thinking about raising children. The author is proposing that parents and families adopt a Scandinavian system to raising kids, a 3rd way between the old-fashioned authoritarian model and the modern democratic model.

The Chapters are as follows (with specific quotes):
INTRODUCTION (pg.3)

Chapter 1. FAMILY VALUES (pg.11)

Chapter 2. CHILDREN COOPERATE! (pg.36)

Chapter 3. SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-CONFIDENCE (pg.84)
A great chapter on the difference between these 2 concepts and which is healthy and which is not, and how to understand them thru ample examples.

Chapter 4. RESPONSIBILITY, BEING RESPONSIBLE, AND POWER (pg.123)
This 3rd way of raising kids, means "to create relationships within the family that are based on treating one another with equal dignity, relationships that inhance everyone's integrity and self-esteem, and promote reciprocal good feelings" (pg.123).
The most valuable information I took from this book was that "these concepts - integrity, self-esteem, and responsibility - are inseperable"(pg.137) and "respecting children's self-esteem and personal responsibility" (pg. 215). "Children know what they want, but sometimes they do not know what they need"(pg.154).

Chapter 5. CHILDREN'S SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY (pg.160)

Chapter 6. LIMITS (pg.200)
"The belief that there is one 'right' way of raising children. There is none. What does exist is a mutual learning process based on who you are as a parent and who your child is. Parents need to learn to be as true to themselves as posible, and as direct and personal in their expression as they can be. By doing so, they will learn about the true nature and personality of each child, and thanks to the child's competent feedback, parents will be able to fine-tune their reactions to the child. ... The real question is 'What is good for my relationship with my child ?' That is, what makes both of us - and the relationship between us - develop in a healthy way ?" (pg.213-214) "To create families in which all members thrive and develop in healthy ways, the focus needs to be on dialogue, not on 'permission'" (pg.221).

Chapter 7. FAMILIES WITH TEENAGERS (pg.222)
"The way in which the family decision-making process unfolds is more important than the actual decisions that are reached. It is better to take plenty of time to reach decisions than to forge hurried compromises in order to establish domestic peace. Also it is better to ensure that both parties are taken seriously than to cut off discussion by proposing a 'fair' solution" (pg.238).

Chapter 8. PARENTS (pg.244)

CONCLUSION:
While the English translation is sometimes forceful (my Danish wife owns the original edition of "Det kompetente barn" but I am not at a level good enough to read and understand Danish yet),
a) the amount of FOOD FOR THOUGHT,
b) excellent relevant life EXAMPLES, and
c) open-minded nonsense no-cookie-cutter approach
makes this book a TOP REFERENCE in our family library, and will be read a couple more times throught the next decade.

This is the book I wish I'd read when my children were babies, but even if I had, I suspect I'd still be picking it up nine years later for a quick refresher. We even read it successfully as a book club for discussion. This is the book I turn to when I'm exasperated, and my children seem to have become deaf to all my entreaties. I suspect I will still be reading it when they are teenagers, certainly, there is a great deal of resonance with my own experience of growing up. I've bought three copies of it so far, as presents. It deserves to be much more well known. Buy it, you won't regret it.