I admit I've done it. I ,ve stood on a touchline and shouted as my progeny has run up and down a lumpy field . "Track back", "Concentrate" "Man On", "For gods sake stop calling the ref a W***er and let me do it". All the time I was doing this I was fully cognisant that I was being every bit as idiotic as the other parents screaming their sagacious advice though I don't think I ever descended to the level of the misanthropic sack of s**t who kept advising his lad to "nobble him son".
Jim White would undoubtedly think I was a fool and of course he would be right. This book is an account of a season spent in charge of Northmeadow Youth under 14,s .White has coached the team for six years and his son is in the team .This immediately puts him offside with me as my afore mentioned progeny fell foul of a manager who played his son ( A gangling clueless lad who clearly didn't want to be there)while better players , including my son languished on the touchline much of the time . It's quickly clear though that White , who is also a football reporter for the "Telegraph", is a far more self aware self decrepitating individual than the boss of that team .He calls himself "The part on the sidelines".
So while he obsesses over the performance of the team and their on-going battle against relegation he can still take time to spot the idiosyncrasies of others around him and the minutiae involved in playing football at this level while pertinently realising his own failings .This makes You'll Win Nothing With Kids( Taken from Alan Hansen's infamous remark about a youthful Manchester United side......they won the league that year) a very amusing book and at times an oddly touching one. There is plenty of conflict , especially when the club want to buy a new kettle, plenty of strife -dog turds on the pitch seem to be a constant bane of the low level football fraternity- yet the most salient edge to this book is the bond between father and son as they endeavour to improve the team.
Talking of improving the team White uses his connections within the game to raid the professional arena for advice , chatting to amongst others Brain McClair ,Jose Mourinho( Working with kids is "The purest kind of football work") ,Ron Atkinson, and Bobby Robson .Their advice is surprisingly helpful too as the team go on an extended cup run .He also questions the motives of anyone taking up a coaching role in kids football .Is it an ego thing or a genuine altruistic desire to improve the lives of others?
Anyone who has watched boys football or even more pertinently had their offspring play at that level will recognise the scenarios and characters that imbibe this book with so much colour . Hopefully it may also help one or two recognise how unacceptable and self defeating their touchline ranting is......but I wouldn't bet on it.
