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'Tannen combines a novelist's ear for the way people speak with a rare power of original analysis ... fascinating' OLIVER SACKS
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Why do so many women feel that men don't tell them anything, but just lecture and criticise? Why do so many men feel that women nag them and never get to the point? In this pioneering book Deborah Tannen shows us how women and men talk in different ways, for profoundly different reasons. While women use language to make connections and reinforce intimacy, men use it to preserve their status and independence. Some have claimed that conversations are the forum of male power games, but the author suggests that jockeying for attention is not the whole story and that even when domination is the result, it is not always the intention. She shows how many frictions may arise because girls and boys grow up in essentially different cultures. Where women use language to seek confirmation, make connections and reinforce intimacies, men use it to protect their independence and negotiate status. The result is that conversation becomes a cross-cultural communication, fraught with genuine confusion.
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Many years ago I was married to a man who shouted at me, "I do not give you the right to raise your voice to me, because you are a woman and I am a man." Read the first page
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
Many years ago I was married to a man who shouted at me, "I do not give you the right to raise your voice to me, because you are a woman and I am a man." Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
This is one of the most usuful books ever written, and far and away the most helpful I have seen on the topic of how men and woman can understand each other better.
Dr Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics; her first book on the subject of communications was called "That's not what I meant." That book had ten chapters about alternative aspects of differing conversationsal styles and the misunderstandings they can cause: one of those ten chapters dealt with gender differences. But as Dr Tannen explains in the preface to this book, 90% of the feedback and requests for interviews or follow-up articles concerning that first book concentrated on 10% of it - the chapter on male-female differences.
The reason is not hard to seek. Differences in geographical origin, profession, race, class or ethnic background can easily be associated with differing communication styles which can lead to misunderstandings. However, we are not forced to build our most important and intimate relationships with people from whom we have such differences, though some choose to. But none of us can avoid having relationships central to our lives with people of the opposite sex. All of us have one parent of the other gender, the 90% of us who are heterosexuals have to look for our life-partners among the other gender, anyone who has a child has a 50% chance of having to raise someone of the other gender.
So Dr Tannen set out to explore communications and misunderstandings between men and women, and this book was the result.
I had been married less than two weeks when my wife and I managed to almost exactly act out one of the first examples of a male-female misunderstanding given in this book. Dr Tannen had presented in a Washington Post article a real-life conversation between a couple in their car.
The wife had asked "Would you like to stop for a drink?" The husband, taking the question literally and precisely at its face value, answered "No". The woman, who had expected her husband to realise that she did want to stop for a drink, was upset because it appeared to her that he ignored her wishes. The man, when it came out later that his wife was upset by this, was equally frustrated, wondering "Why didn't she just say what she wanted?"
Luckily when my wife and I enacted an almost identical conversation, (substituting a chinese takeaway for a drink) she added the comment "I really fancied a chinese" before it was too late to get one. If I had not read this book I might well have been hurt or confused and asked something like "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" As I had, I recognised at that we had fallen into the same pattern as the example in the book and that the problem was easily rectified; we stopped the car to get the takeaway, and avoided what could have developed into a completely unnecessary row. This was the first of a number of occasions when the book has helped us communicate better.
Dr Tannen is at pains to emphasise that she is not suggesting that men's or women's ways of speaking are necessarily better, just different, and that both sexes will be able to communicate more effectively if they have an understanding of those differences.
This book helped me for one to do that, and I strongly recommend it.
Dr Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics; her first book on the subject of communications was called "That's not what I meant." That book had ten chapters about alternative aspects of differing conversationsal styles and the misunderstandings they can cause: one of those ten chapters dealt with gender differences. But as Dr Tannen explains in the preface to this book, 90% of the feedback and requests for interviews or follow-up articles concerning that first book concentrated on 10% of it - the chapter on male-female differences.
The reason is not hard to seek. Differences in geographical origin, profession, race, class or ethnic background can easily be associated with differing communication styles which can lead to misunderstandings. However, we are not forced to build our most important and intimate relationships with people from whom we have such differences, though some choose to. But none of us can avoid having relationships central to our lives with people of the opposite sex. All of us have one parent of the other gender, the 90% of us who are heterosexuals have to look for our life-partners among the other gender, anyone who has a child has a 50% chance of having to raise someone of the other gender.
So Dr Tannen set out to explore communications and misunderstandings between men and women, and this book was the result.
I had been married less than two weeks when my wife and I managed to almost exactly act out one of the first examples of a male-female misunderstanding given in this book. Dr Tannen had presented in a Washington Post article a real-life conversation between a couple in their car.
The wife had asked "Would you like to stop for a drink?" The husband, taking the question literally and precisely at its face value, answered "No". The woman, who had expected her husband to realise that she did want to stop for a drink, was upset because it appeared to her that he ignored her wishes. The man, when it came out later that his wife was upset by this, was equally frustrated, wondering "Why didn't she just say what she wanted?"
Luckily when my wife and I enacted an almost identical conversation, (substituting a chinese takeaway for a drink) she added the comment "I really fancied a chinese" before it was too late to get one. If I had not read this book I might well have been hurt or confused and asked something like "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" As I had, I recognised at that we had fallen into the same pattern as the example in the book and that the problem was easily rectified; we stopped the car to get the takeaway, and avoided what could have developed into a completely unnecessary row. This was the first of a number of occasions when the book has helped us communicate better.
Dr Tannen is at pains to emphasise that she is not suggesting that men's or women's ways of speaking are necessarily better, just different, and that both sexes will be able to communicate more effectively if they have an understanding of those differences.
This book helped me for one to do that, and I strongly recommend it.
17 of 19 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
"You just don't understand" is a very well written book explaining the differences displayed by men and women in conversation. Some of it is common sense but a lot of what Tannen writes about is very eye-opening and explained a lot to me about how my comments would come across to a man and what his comments might mean. Helped me to believe that men are not simply evil, as one may suspect, they just have different styles of conversation.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I read this book several years ago and found it well researched, written and easy to understand.
Deborah Tannen is a linguist who clearly addresses how and why women and men communicate differently. She explains that women communicate primarily to establish connections and negotiate relationships while men talk as a primary means to preserve independence and to negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order. Tannen explains that although women also talk to preserve independence and achieve status, and men communicate to establish connections, it isn't the primary concern or focus of the majority of their conversations.
You Just Don't Understand helps a person to gain a better understanding of his or her own individual communication techniques. A well written, researched, insightful and informative book, You Just Don't Understand, presents the gender difference material in a clear, non-subjective and positive manner. This low-bias approach enhances the quality of the material significantly. The author addresses a number of other issues besides gender differences that govern communication techniques. For example, boys and girls grow up in different worlds and this has a significant effect on how they communicate. Consequently, other issues besides gender differences need to be explored and understood to create an effective dialog between the sexes.
Understanding of linguistic differences promotes better relationships. I recommend this book for anyone interested in learning more about how men and women communicate.
The Re-Discovery of Common Sense: A Guide To: The Lost Art of Critical Thinking
Deborah Tannen is a linguist who clearly addresses how and why women and men communicate differently. She explains that women communicate primarily to establish connections and negotiate relationships while men talk as a primary means to preserve independence and to negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order. Tannen explains that although women also talk to preserve independence and achieve status, and men communicate to establish connections, it isn't the primary concern or focus of the majority of their conversations.
You Just Don't Understand helps a person to gain a better understanding of his or her own individual communication techniques. A well written, researched, insightful and informative book, You Just Don't Understand, presents the gender difference material in a clear, non-subjective and positive manner. This low-bias approach enhances the quality of the material significantly. The author addresses a number of other issues besides gender differences that govern communication techniques. For example, boys and girls grow up in different worlds and this has a significant effect on how they communicate. Consequently, other issues besides gender differences need to be explored and understood to create an effective dialog between the sexes.
Understanding of linguistic differences promotes better relationships. I recommend this book for anyone interested in learning more about how men and women communicate.
The Re-Discovery of Common Sense: A Guide To: The Lost Art of Critical Thinking
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
Valuable insight
I have found the insight on communication Deborah Tannen reveals in this book valuable in work and personal relationships. Read more
Published 14 months ago by Lee Coppack
Language and Gender
As a teacher of English Language - and particularly Language and Gender, I have found Tannen's insights and ideas extremely helpful when attempting to teach A-level students about... Read more
Published 15 months ago by Scaroth, Last of the Jagaroth
Oh My God ... It Is Excellent!
After reading this book, I watched a TV drama and placed a bet with my fellow viewers that the drama was written by a male. We waited for the credits at the end AND BOOM ... Read more
Published on 11 Aug 2009 by Hassans
Revelation
"You just don't understand", was a source of real satisfaction to me. I was surprised, amused - indeed shocked by some of its revelations. Read more
Published on 6 July 2009 by June Flowers
Women and men talking - ouch!
this is a classic book - lots of life-enhancing insights and ideas for getting through the 'am I getting through/what are they on about/why dont they get me?' moments in life!
Published on 27 Feb 2009 by Anne M. Bennett
Should be handed out with the marriage vows!
'You Just Don't Understand' teases out the differences in communication styles that have existed between men and women. Read more
Published on 7 July 2007 by Joseph Augustine
Outstanding
This is a most enlightening and comforting book.
All those WEIRD things about the other sex that confused and irritated you are suddenly seen to be aspects of the different ways... Read more
Published on 30 Oct 2005 by Mr. F. L. Dunkin Wedd
Deborah Tannen's book
Definately definately worth buying! is a bit dry in places but is such a reflection of real life! good if just want 2 read about it, also fantastic for Eng Lang AS gender topic!
Published on 11 Jun 2005 by "powell666"
Should be part of the National Curriculum
A fantatstic book which we should all read. Most of the subject matter is so relevent in daily converstation its a must read. Read more
Published on 28 Dec 2000
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