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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Paperback – 1 Sep 2003

233 customer reviews

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Product details

  • Paperback: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Berkley Publishing Group; Reprint edition (1 Sept. 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0425191656
  • ISBN-13: 978-0425191651
  • Product Dimensions: 15.2 x 2.2 x 22.9 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (233 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 3,355 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Product Description

About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last 15 years specializing in abusive men. The author of articles in medical journals and professional books, he is the former co-director of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men. Now he trains various state and judicial agencies in working with domestic abuse.

Inside This Book

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Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5 stars

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

273 of 276 people found the following review helpful By "janecraven" on 9 Nov. 2005
Format: Paperback
Before I read this book,and after reading several other books on verbal and emotional abuse,I was not sure what was going on in my marraige.After reading this book,I am sure .There is no doubt.I wish I had read this 10 years ago,when i first married.The author portrays several different types of abusive men--my husband is there.Your husband will be too, if you suspect you are being abused in some way.Or,the book will clear up for you whether it is abuse or not.This book is a diamond, a must have read,for any woman who does not understand why her husband acts the way he does.Through understanding the abuser,and his methods, his power over you is gone.He keeps you confused deliberatley,but this book blows that away.Even if you are too scared to take the book home, keep it at a freind's house and read it!!It has changed my life.I feel strong and most of all,clear and certain.There are lots of other books on the subject but this one is unique because it leaves no room for doubt.And to know that what is happening is true and it IS him,not YOU, gives you back your self esteem and hope for the future.Read it and be free from his influence.Look at your husband in his true light.
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98 of 99 people found the following review helpful By Suzie Sun on 6 Feb. 2008
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 9 months when I saw this book and bought it for the following reasons:

My boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends to the point where i was sneaking out of work in my lunch hour to meet them in secret. I had to do this because if I told him I was meeting them he would say bad things about them and cause an unbearable atmosphere. Meeting them after work was not an option because he insisted on picking me up from work every single day (come rain or shine) - I only live a short 10 minute walk from work......

I have very little family anyway, making me a really vulnerable target ...

I was criticized for talking to my friends on the telephone. I had my home line disconnected and only used my mobile phone. Then i was criticized for using this. I kept it switched off most of the time just to stop him from having a go at me for incoming calls and text messages. (But he kept his mobile on 24/7).

He liked to make sure I was at home (whilst he went to the pub and clubs). In his mind I was safe at home and wasnt going to go off with any one else. He knew exactly where I was leaving him free to enjoy nights out.

The verbal abuse was much worse when he was drunk or stoned.

He would ignore me for several hours at a time and then suddenly start calling me 'love' and asking me what was wrong!

He made nasty comments about my figure, hair, personality, saying i have no sense of humour, telling me to 'lighten up' . Always complimenting other women in front of me and making a big show when greeting attractive women he knew. If i so much as mentioned another man he flew into a rage.
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60 of 62 people found the following review helpful By Diane Kerry on 9 Dec. 2006
Format: Paperback
I initially got this book because my sister in law had left my brother, and I wanted her to have all the help she could get in coming to terms with what had happened to her. However before I handed it over I decided I should read it, to get some understanding, and OH MY GOD! I so wish I had had this book twenty years ago to give to my mother, as well as for myself. Lundy Bancroft peels away all the last hiding places for abusers, he helps you focus on how easily it is for the woman and child to get slowly suffocated and manipulated, and how abusers coerce everyone around them into helping them perpetuate their abuse. It has helped me focus not only on my sanity, but how I can support and encourage other women in coming to terms with what is happening to them and their children. I am now in a happy, supportive, loving relationship, but kissed a lot of toads before I got here, maybe if I had read this book as a young woman I would have recognised abuse sooner, not accepted that it takes two to make a fight, and stopped blaming myself for all the 'stuff' that the abusers in my life feel its their right to dump on the world! I have two beautiful sons, but I really believe that every woman should read this book, as should every person coming to terms with what someone they care about is experiencing, both the abuser or victim. Only then can they see for themselves if and how they are being manipulated, what they can do to avoid being used and how they ultimately are not responsible for the choices the abuser makes, and how to confront the abuser instead of apease them.
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11 of 11 people found the following review helpful By Cachotterie on 11 Sept. 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I was a bit skeptical about this book. There was a guy that I couldn't understand and his behaviour towards me was always like he was 2 people, one of them charming and cute, the other one driving me mad. At one point I couldn't take that any more and decided to leave but had constant doubts if it was right - still remembering how good I felt with the nice one. I would never have called him "abusive" though. He's never intimidated me physically, he's never even raised his voice. He is always polite, sticks to the norms, doesn't argue - how can that be abuse?
Yet, when I was reading this book it was like walking out of the fog. I've recognized so many patterns I've lost the count. I finally realized why he treats slightly better our mutual friends. Most importantly though, I realized how this could have ended - because of the way abuse tends to escalate.
This book is based on a solid research (the author worked with over 2000 abusive men AND their partners), has fantastic "real world" examples where you can really recognize yourself. It's definitely not like some of the self-help books, reiterating over and over again similar mantras and giving you silver bullets for solving all the problems. It may be difficult to take in because of one message - if you happen to be with a truly abusive man, chances that he'll change are slim, and that is even if he works with professionals. It also explains why it is so unlikely, how to recognize signs of this in advance, and how to recognize if he really is changing.
Buy this book no matter what's your situation. If you never met an abusive man - it will help you recognize and avoid him in the future. If you're in the relationship and have doubts - it will help you understand what's happening and most importantly, why.
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