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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men [Paperback]

Lundy Bancroft
4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (178 customer reviews)
RRP: 10.03
Price: 9.17 & FREE Delivery in the UK on orders over 10. Details
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Book Description

1 Sep 2003
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely

Frequently Bought Together

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men + Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers + Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1
Price For All Three: 23.15

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Product details

  • Paperback: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Berkley Publishing Group; Reprint edition (1 Sep 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0425191656
  • ISBN-13: 978-0425191651
  • Product Dimensions: 22.9 x 15.2 x 2.5 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (178 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 3,564 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

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Product Description

About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last 15 years specializing in abusive men. The author of articles in medical journals and professional books, he is the former co-director of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men. Now he trains various state and judicial agencies in working with domestic abuse.

Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
LISTEN TO THE VOICES OF THESE WOMEN: He's two different people. Read the first page
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Browse Sample Pages
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
248 of 250 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars why does he do that 9 Nov 2005
Before I read this book,and after reading several other books on verbal and emotional abuse,I was not sure what was going on in my marraige.After reading this book,I am sure .There is no doubt.I wish I had read this 10 years ago,when i first married.The author portrays several different types of abusive men--my husband is there.Your husband will be too, if you suspect you are being abused in some way.Or,the book will clear up for you whether it is abuse or not.This book is a diamond, a must have read,for any woman who does not understand why her husband acts the way he does.Through understanding the abuser,and his methods, his power over you is gone.He keeps you confused deliberatley,but this book blows that away.Even if you are too scared to take the book home, keep it at a freind's house and read it!!It has changed my life.I feel strong and most of all,clear and certain.There are lots of other books on the subject but this one is unique because it leaves no room for doubt.And to know that what is happening is true and it IS him,not YOU, gives you back your self esteem and hope for the future.Read it and be free from his influence.Look at your husband in his true light.
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66 of 67 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book gave me the courage I needed. BUY IT 6 Feb 2008
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 9 months when I saw this book and bought it for the following reasons:

My boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends to the point where i was sneaking out of work in my lunch hour to meet them in secret. I had to do this because if I told him I was meeting them he would say bad things about them and cause an unbearable atmosphere. Meeting them after work was not an option because he insisted on picking me up from work every single day (come rain or shine) - I only live a short 10 minute walk from work......

I have very little family anyway, making me a really vulnerable target ...

I was criticized for talking to my friends on the telephone. I had my home line disconnected and only used my mobile phone. Then i was criticized for using this. I kept it switched off most of the time just to stop him from having a go at me for incoming calls and text messages. (But he kept his mobile on 24/7).

He liked to make sure I was at home (whilst he went to the pub and clubs). In his mind I was safe at home and wasnt going to go off with any one else. He knew exactly where I was leaving him free to enjoy nights out.

The verbal abuse was much worse when he was drunk or stoned.

He would ignore me for several hours at a time and then suddenly start calling me 'love' and asking me what was wrong!

He made nasty comments about my figure, hair, personality, saying i have no sense of humour, telling me to 'lighten up' . Always complimenting other women in front of me and making a big show when greeting attractive women he knew. If i so much as mentioned another man he flew into a rage.
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74 of 76 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars NOW I KNOW WHY HE DID THAT 4 Jun 2007
My mum died in march, 12 hours later my husband walked out leaving me alone with our 4 children aged under 8 ( my dad died a few years ago) -of course it was my fault he left and when i ask him to explain his actions i get the reply "well if you don't know i'm not telling you! i really didn't know which way to turn - having time to think i began to realise that this wasn't the first time he had withdrew emotional support from me . late one friday evening i was looking on amazon for a new book and somehow came across this one - i read the reviews - ordered it and then camoflaged it inside the sleeve of a sophie kinsella book! it just meant that i could read it without the amy of the children seeing what i was reading. Well what i shock i was in for - my god - i now realise exactly what i have been experiencing over the past 10 years. the times i have been left reeling by accusations, orders, put downs etc etc . It is easy to read but hard going - i have cried all the way through it - the realisation of how i have been manipulated and had my confidence shot at.

I am still grieving for my mum but i am getting stronger, i don't know what will come of our marriage - hes still living at his mums ( he wants to know if i am jealous of this!) but what i do know is that i am better than him - i do not use abuse and aggression to make my point. Lundy has made me realise i am not to blame it is not my shame .....
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156 of 161 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This is the best book I have read..... 25 April 2006
By Angela
about abusive relationships. I have read numerous books in the past year telling me how I may be co-dependant, how I enable my partner to abuse me, that if my behaviour changes his will change and that basically, I am the problem, not him. While these books have given me an insight into myself and have helped develop a strength and understanding I did not have before, they still focused on me being the problem. However, any changes I did make did not change my husband's behaviour and these books reinforced his attitude, that yes, I am the problem and I need help.

Lundy Bancroft spells out in this book in no uncertain terms that I am not the problem, that my partner is the abuser and a bully and it is his problem and he needs to acknowledge it and get help for it. I do not enable him to abuse me - Bancroft states in the book 'Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve' - he is addressing the abuser. I can hold my head high now, I have worked hard on myself and become a better person for it, but I am not the controlling, manipulative female dog my husband keeps telling me I am. This book has made me realise the extent of the damage he has caused our children - he doesn't abuse them directly but watching their mother be abused has created untold problems for them - they are violent towards each other, they have low opinions of females in general and they are basically in turmoil themselves. This book has created a clear path for me - I need to protect myself and my children from the harm my partner is causing on a daily basis. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for giving me the ammunition to blast a doorway into a better life for myself and my children.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
it was bought on someone else's behalf no feed back
Published 5 days ago by anita
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Anyone in an abusive relationship will find this book insightful
Published 10 days ago by Natalie Rowland Patten
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
A very interesting & informative book.
Published 1 month ago by Ann Raines
5.0 out of 5 stars confirmation i was normal - it was my ex who was not. It was he who...
This book helped me realise it was not me with the problems - it was my then other half. it confirmed what i normally would have believed - and helped me realise - im a free... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Maureen Carrington
5.0 out of 5 stars this one is great, easy to read/not to technical - helps you
if you feel your needing this type of book, this one is great, easy to read/not to technical - helps you understand
Published 1 month ago by michelle cooper
5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
Definitely one of the most useful books I have read in my life, and I've read thousands. You will never look at emotional abuse the same way again.
Published 2 months ago by Eugi1980
5.0 out of 5 stars Saved what could have been a lifetime of pain
I never write reviews but this book has literally saved my life, and hopefully the life of my son as he could have quite easily picked up the same disgraceful behaviours my ex... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Carly Surrall
5.0 out of 5 stars 5 stars- Bancroft is brilliant
If you are, or have ever been in an abusive relationship, this is the single most important book you can read, in my opinion - I have read a few. Read more
Published 2 months ago by PenFriend
5.0 out of 5 stars A Miricle!
Desperate with self doubt and depression, I prayed (I'm not religious) for an answer to help me understand the pain and confusion of my 12 year marriage. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Molly
5.0 out of 5 stars so insightful
This book is a must read for anyone who has been or is in a abusive manipulative relationship. It helps you to stop doubting yourself and realise that your not crazy for doubting... Read more
Published 3 months ago by Ilove to read
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