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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men [Paperback]

Lundy Bancroft
4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (162 customer reviews)
RRP: 10.27
Price: 10.07 & FREE Delivery in the UK. Details
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Book Description

1 Sep 2003
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely

Frequently Bought Together

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men + Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers + The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Price For All Three: 24.75

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Product details

  • Paperback: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Berkley Publishing Group; Reprint edition (1 Sep 2003)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0425191656
  • ISBN-13: 978-0425191651
  • Product Dimensions: 22.9 x 15.2 x 2.5 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (162 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 3,361 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

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Product Description

About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last 15 years specializing in abusive men. The author of articles in medical journals and professional books, he is the former co-director of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men. Now he trains various state and judicial agencies in working with domestic abuse.

Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
LISTEN TO THE VOICES OF THESE WOMEN: He's two different people. Read the first page
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Browse Sample Pages
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
235 of 236 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars why does he do that 9 Nov 2005
Before I read this book,and after reading several other books on verbal and emotional abuse,I was not sure what was going on in my marraige.After reading this book,I am sure .There is no doubt.I wish I had read this 10 years ago,when i first married.The author portrays several different types of abusive men--my husband is there.Your husband will be too, if you suspect you are being abused in some way.Or,the book will clear up for you whether it is abuse or not.This book is a diamond, a must have read,for any woman who does not understand why her husband acts the way he does.Through understanding the abuser,and his methods, his power over you is gone.He keeps you confused deliberatley,but this book blows that away.Even if you are too scared to take the book home, keep it at a freind's house and read it!!It has changed my life.I feel strong and most of all,clear and certain.There are lots of other books on the subject but this one is unique because it leaves no room for doubt.And to know that what is happening is true and it IS him,not YOU, gives you back your self esteem and hope for the future.Read it and be free from his influence.Look at your husband in his true light.
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28 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Eye opening for an abuser too! 8 Sep 2010
My (ex??) Girlfriend recommended this book to me a couple of weeks ago, and all i can say is recommended it to the abusive person in your life after you have read it, and it will open their eyes, i know you dont owe them anything though. If they dont read it or say its rubbish, you know they wont and dont want to change.
I always knew i had some kind of controlling side to me, but by God this book just shows you how many traits you can actually have, and you dont realise the damage you can do. It makes your problems come to light and makes you realise just what you have done to that person that you love. Empathy and compassion that i always thought i had, i never had an ounce of.
It also teaches you there isnt an easy fix, that friends and family who think they are helping actually arent, abusers allies, so to speak...
ive bought more books along these lines, but this is the book that really has opened my eyes, ive booked myself on courses to understand why i do it more, and hopefully remap my thinking, instead of putting my own feelings and emotions first!
I know it wasnt specifically written for me, but it has made me understand so much more about the damage i can do with a vicious word, look or sarcastic sigh.
If you've been abused, read it and grow stronger, the book keeps you so focused, if your an abuser, read it and learn about yourself and what your actions have done to the loved ones around you, take responsibility for them, and pray to God you wont go to hell!
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52 of 53 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book gave me the courage I needed. BUY IT 6 Feb 2008
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 9 months when I saw this book and bought it for the following reasons:

My boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends to the point where i was sneaking out of work in my lunch hour to meet them in secret. I had to do this because if I told him I was meeting them he would say bad things about them and cause an unbearable atmosphere. Meeting them after work was not an option because he insisted on picking me up from work every single day (come rain or shine) - I only live a short 10 minute walk from work......

I have very little family anyway, making me a really vulnerable target ...

I was criticized for talking to my friends on the telephone. I had my home line disconnected and only used my mobile phone. Then i was criticized for using this. I kept it switched off most of the time just to stop him from having a go at me for incoming calls and text messages. (But he kept his mobile on 24/7).

He liked to make sure I was at home (whilst he went to the pub and clubs). In his mind I was safe at home and wasnt going to go off with any one else. He knew exactly where I was leaving him free to enjoy nights out.

The verbal abuse was much worse when he was drunk or stoned.

He would ignore me for several hours at a time and then suddenly start calling me 'love' and asking me what was wrong!

He made nasty comments about my figure, hair, personality, saying i have no sense of humour, telling me to 'lighten up' . Always complimenting other women in front of me and making a big show when greeting attractive women he knew. If i so much as mentioned another man he flew into a rage.
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146 of 151 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This is the best book I have read..... 25 April 2006
By Angela
about abusive relationships. I have read numerous books in the past year telling me how I may be co-dependant, how I enable my partner to abuse me, that if my behaviour changes his will change and that basically, I am the problem, not him. While these books have given me an insight into myself and have helped develop a strength and understanding I did not have before, they still focused on me being the problem. However, any changes I did make did not change my husband's behaviour and these books reinforced his attitude, that yes, I am the problem and I need help.

Lundy Bancroft spells out in this book in no uncertain terms that I am not the problem, that my partner is the abuser and a bully and it is his problem and he needs to acknowledge it and get help for it. I do not enable him to abuse me - Bancroft states in the book 'Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve' - he is addressing the abuser. I can hold my head high now, I have worked hard on myself and become a better person for it, but I am not the controlling, manipulative female dog my husband keeps telling me I am. This book has made me realise the extent of the damage he has caused our children - he doesn't abuse them directly but watching their mother be abused has created untold problems for them - they are violent towards each other, they have low opinions of females in general and they are basically in turmoil themselves. This book has created a clear path for me - I need to protect myself and my children from the harm my partner is causing on a daily basis. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for giving me the ammunition to blast a doorway into a better life for myself and my children.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
A very interesting insight into how someone manages to control another person.
I would recommend it to anyone who needs help understanding their situation.
Published 1 day ago by Roseling
5.0 out of 5 stars better understanding.
This book explains why abusive men do what they do. It is very easy to read with no psychobabble. I would recommend this book to any one who has dealings with an abusive man. Read more
Published 13 days ago by DIANNE LEE
5.0 out of 5 stars Bullying Men
I found this book really useful in coming to terms with living with a bully,,,and what I put up with before I got away from him. The is life after living with a controlling man. Read more
Published 23 days ago by susan nickalls
5.0 out of 5 stars great
great book heard about it from womens aid website ,very imformative just waht i need to help me come
to terms with what ive been thru , a good reference book for when your... Read more
Published 1 month ago by carol campbell
5.0 out of 5 stars Lifesaving
I bought this book whilst going through very difficult and confusing times my previous partner. I knew something was very wrong and unhealthy and there were definite signs that... Read more
Published 2 months ago by A customer
5.0 out of 5 stars For any woman from any culture, background or religion who wants to...
I have chosen to give my top rating for this book because it is unbelevably accurate. I have lived through domestic abuse for 10 years and it has taken its toll. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Nasima Munshi
5.0 out of 5 stars This book should be required reading
It is easy to get a bit carried away when writing a review but I cannot speak highly enough of this book. It is a lifesaver and I am not exaggerating when I say that. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Fabia
5.0 out of 5 stars informative
The author is very well informed about how the perpetrators of domestic abuse behave and why they do it. The best book on domestic abuse that I have read.
Published 3 months ago by happy
5.0 out of 5 stars helped
got him and his manners a bit better.plus it helped me decide whether i should stay or go. i stayed and got him to get a psychologist appointment and if he realizes nothing then... Read more
Published 3 months ago by Ruby
5.0 out of 5 stars Should be compulsory reading for all teenage girls
This book has been hugely valuable to me and I bought a second copy to lend to others who I feel could benefit from reading it. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Natasha
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