You know that thing that small dogs do? You know - they spread their back legs, hunker down and drag themselves across the floor with their front legs? Why do they do that? What are they trying to achieve? Do they like it? They give every indication of enjoyment - great big grin, tail wagging like a good 'un, tongue hanging out and so-on. It must have it's attractions so, in the spirit of scientific endeavour I thought I'd give it a go and see what all the fuss is about.
Well, it wasn't any fun at all, I can tell you. By gum it hurt. Admittedly our dining room is floored with a great big coir mat and it did chafe somewhat. Perhaps I should have left my underpants on. Our dinner guests weren't particularly impressed either, Mrs Hughes from next door left nearly all of her prawn cocktail and Rabbi Weitz made his excuses before dessert. But I digress. Can you imagine the sheer agony of dragging your gentlemen's parts across a coconut fibre mat? The excruciating pain as your wife gently tweezes out the splinters that have embedded themselves in the top of your "chap"? The throbbing rawness that persists around the bishop's hat for days, nay! weeks after the experience? What I'm trying to say is that it was possibly the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
Until I heard this album.
Now, where did I leave my cheese grater?