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When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends Paperback – 1990


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Product details

  • Paperback: 406 pages
  • Publisher: Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group; Reprint edition (1990)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0385304234
  • ISBN-13: 978-0385304238
  • Product Dimensions: 15.5 x 2.2 x 23.3 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (25 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 17,187 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
Few comments strike as much terror in the female heart, or more rapidly raise a lovers' tiff to the boiling point, than the comment "You're getting more like your mother every day." Read the first page
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Customer Reviews

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

117 of 119 people found the following review helpful By "nik33062" on 25 Oct. 2002
Format: Paperback
This book is quite simply life-changing.
Forget weighty psycholgy tomes with their dry identification of signs and symptoms of labelled personality "disorders" of parents and children, read this and find out how these wretched behaviour patterns were set up in the first place.
Incredibly illuminating, compassionate and sensible, this is a must for any daughter who feels misunderstood, embittered, angered, or simply saddened by their relationship with their mother. Or their father, for that matter. Very, very helpful stuff.
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24 of 24 people found the following review helpful By L. Rawes on 15 Jan. 2009
Format: Paperback
... but you can change how you look at it, and that can change the future.

This is a genuinely extraordinary book. It's as compelling and moving as a great novel and as practical and effective as a DIY book.

I can see myself and I can see my Mum and sister all playing roles described in this book. It's uncanny. And now, having read it, I see how I can be free to be my real grown up self, and to let my mother be a person too. My children will be very glad I read it.

It's a very humane, compassionate and sensible book. And, as I said, a riveting read.
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161 of 165 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on 15 Jun. 1999
Format: Paperback
This book helped me regain my sanity. My mother for lack of a better word is a self-proclaimed matyr and I felt guilty since I can remember for ever making her the least bit uncomfortable, my sister did too. This book helped me realize that just because someone is a mother doesn't make them a good parent and that there are others like me. It takes you through your family's history and helps you to understand why mom may be the way she is and what you can do to deal with (or chose not to deal with) that relationship.
I was on the verge of never speaking to my mother or her side of the family again, but this book turned it around and now although I doubt we will ever be like a TV 50s family, I can talk to my mom and she appears to listen to what I say.
I highly recommend this book if you are feeling the least bit guilty about what you feel about dear old mom, want to cut her out of your life, or just want to understand why you and your mom have little to nothing in common.
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12 of 12 people found the following review helpful By Firstborn on 22 Mar. 2013
Format: Paperback
My mother used to be very emotionally abusive and as such, I found this book to be of great interest to myself. Having read this book, I have learnt to accept myself for whom I am and realise that my mother (who has since passed on) will never be friends. I further learnt that this would be due to her having issues, something which she used to take out on me but had nothing to do with me.
Much enjoyed reading it.

GOOD MOTHER, BAD DAUGHTER?
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56 of 59 people found the following review helpful By Berenice Hickey on 19 Jun. 2007
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
After speaking with my mother on the phone, I was left feeling attacked, defeated, belittled, challenged and totally confused again! These feeling were familiar and predictable. I had ordered this book months ago. When it had arrived I had put it in a drawer and left it, part of my denial of the situation and subconscious willingness to continue this destructive pattern as to me it felt "normal".

This time I felt too sick and tired to go on, so I found the book and read it. What a huge relief to find I was not crazy after all! As a result I have gone on to read many more books on destructive relationship patterns in the family, and only wish that I had done so years ago. It would have saved me a lot of suffering and heartache. This book was my initial liberator. I now feel so much more peaceful and free of worry and upset that I am a different person for having been given the tools to face the truth.
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22 of 23 people found the following review helpful By M. A. L. Pike on 3 Jun. 2009
Format: Paperback
I had previously purchased 2 other books on the subject of Mother/ Daughter abusive relationships. I found them both labelling the abuser, however with this book there was none of that this book in my opinion approached the subject in a much more positive manner, and I found the contents very helpful, I would recommend this book to any one who is in or has been in an abusive Mother/Daughter relationship, it helps one to see beyond the usual labelling of Narcissist, in doing so it helps one to look beyond the anger and bitterness, and gives hope for maybe a brighter future with the abusive parent. Excellent this was the book I had been hoping to find, I didnt want to have negative feelings about what I had gone through with my late Mother.
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36 of 38 people found the following review helpful By Katharine K on 27 Feb. 2009
Format: Paperback
I had had tears bred out of me over my 44 years, but reading the 'Angel' chapter made me cry.
Finally I realised how I had tried all my life to please my hyper-critical unpleasable mother. No matter what I did, she always moved the goalposts, and I still tried my darndest to get some signs of approval.
Finally I understood what had been going on.
Dealing with it is a long journey, but books like this one help.
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56 of 60 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on 26 Dec. 1998
Format: Paperback
Finally! Victoria Secunda provides insight and understanding in place of anger, fear and helplessness. I found myself weeping with each new revelation. No wonder I feel like this! No wonder I did that! Help comes at last with Secunda's clear and concise recipes for dealing with and healing the emotionally-charged mother/daughter relationship. I immediately purchased copies of the book for my mother and my daughter. I think it will open a door for communication between us that never existed before. Thank you Victoria Secunda!
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