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When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends [Paperback]

Victoria Secunda
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviews)
RRP: 10.27
Price: 10.16 & FREE Delivery in the UK. Details
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Book Description

For many adult daughters, there is something about the painful mother-daughter relationship that can linger with punishing tenacity. Bright, sensitive, competent women can be haunted by their childhood memories - and find to their horror that they replay, possibly in a different way, the relationship in bringing up their own daughters. Based on extensive research and interviews, this book aims to show how daughters can understand - and resolve - what is perhaps the most complicated relationship of their lives.
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Frequently Bought Together

When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends + Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers + Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Price For All Three: 28.59

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Product details

  • Paperback: 406 pages
  • Publisher: Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group; Reprint edition (1990)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0385304234
  • ISBN-13: 978-0385304238
  • Product Dimensions: 23.4 x 15.6 x 2.4 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 16,491 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • See Complete Table of Contents

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Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
Few comments strike as much terror in the female heart, or more rapidly raise a lovers' tiff to the boiling point, than the comment "You're getting more like your mother every day." Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
108 of 110 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Every Child Should Have A Copy! 25 Oct 2002
This book is quite simply life-changing.
Forget weighty psycholgy tomes with their dry identification of signs and symptoms of labelled personality "disorders" of parents and children, read this and find out how these wretched behaviour patterns were set up in the first place.
Incredibly illuminating, compassionate and sensible, this is a must for any daughter who feels misunderstood, embittered, angered, or simply saddened by their relationship with their mother. Or their father, for that matter. Very, very helpful stuff.
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148 of 152 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book changed my life really! 15 Jun 1999
By A Customer
This book helped me regain my sanity. My mother for lack of a better word is a self-proclaimed matyr and I felt guilty since I can remember for ever making her the least bit uncomfortable, my sister did too. This book helped me realize that just because someone is a mother doesn't make them a good parent and that there are others like me. It takes you through your family's history and helps you to understand why mom may be the way she is and what you can do to deal with (or chose not to deal with) that relationship.
I was on the verge of never speaking to my mother or her side of the family again, but this book turned it around and now although I doubt we will ever be like a TV 50s family, I can talk to my mom and she appears to listen to what I say.
I highly recommend this book if you are feeling the least bit guilty about what you feel about dear old mom, want to cut her out of your life, or just want to understand why you and your mom have little to nothing in common.
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18 of 18 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars You can't change the past 15 Jan 2009
... but you can change how you look at it, and that can change the future.

This is a genuinely extraordinary book. It's as compelling and moving as a great novel and as practical and effective as a DIY book.

I can see myself and I can see my Mum and sister all playing roles described in this book. It's uncanny. And now, having read it, I see how I can be free to be my real grown up self, and to let my mother be a person too. My children will be very glad I read it.

It's a very humane, compassionate and sensible book. And, as I said, a riveting read.
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13 of 13 people found the following review helpful
This book was incredibly illuminating. I had decided never to speak with my mother again but after reading this book I realised there were other options. I now find I can cope with her better and she actually listens to me now and again. She no longer has the effect on me that she used to. This book taught me that I cannot change the mum I have got but what I can change is the way I react to her. I also recommend The Dance of Anger to any woman out there who has harboured feelings of anger towards their mother for years. One thing was made clear that unless you sort out the problems with your own mother then you will probably have issues with your own daughter which I now understand and agree with.
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29 of 30 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Broke through many years of denial 27 Feb 2009
I had had tears bred out of me over my 44 years, but reading the 'Angel' chapter made me cry.
Finally I realised how I had tried all my life to please my hyper-critical unpleasable mother. No matter what I did, she always moved the goalposts, and I still tried my darndest to get some signs of approval.
Finally I understood what had been going on.
Dealing with it is a long journey, but books like this one help.
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43 of 45 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
After speaking with my mother on the phone, I was left feeling attacked, defeated, belittled, challenged and totally confused again! These feeling were familiar and predictable. I had ordered this book months ago. When it had arrived I had put it in a drawer and left it, part of my denial of the situation and subconscious willingness to continue this destructive pattern as to me it felt "normal".

This time I felt too sick and tired to go on, so I found the book and read it. What a huge relief to find I was not crazy after all! As a result I have gone on to read many more books on destructive relationship patterns in the family, and only wish that I had done so years ago. It would have saved me a lot of suffering and heartache. This book was my initial liberator. I now feel so much more peaceful and free of worry and upset that I am a different person for having been given the tools to face the truth.
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41 of 43 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A very informative Best Friend! 27 July 2007
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
If you have been sending SOS signals to all your friends and family about your relationship with your mother then this is the book for you! Whether it is just an irritation or a completely Life-ruining distress, this book is an easy-to-read but very informative Best Friend!

No-one is trained to be a mother and so many women wind up with an emotional responsibility that they are simply not able to deal with and don't know why. Many are still overwhelmed with unfinished business from their own childhoods. This book does not make excuses for bad mothers but nor does it condemn, it really helps to find solutions. Even for those of us for whom there are no solutions, understanding helps to come to terms with it.

You may feel as I did at first that the book seems too simplistic in its approach but don't be deceived! As I persisted I found that I was wrong. It is extremely profound and exacting and Victoria Secunda has drawn on the expertise and experience of a number of brilliant specialists in their fields. Honestly, I think that this is one of the truly great, ground-breaking, self-help books, right up there with "Toxic Parents" by Dr Susan Forward and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Dr Robin Norwood. It is not only fascinating in its own right as a good read but could dispel those endless, sleepless, weepy nights and save you a fortune in counsellors!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
If you have got this far, don't leave it on the bookshelf
read it now, the kindle version would be very discreet on the train! Read more
Published 1 month ago by Anna Kashfi
5.0 out of 5 stars Mothers!
This is a very informative book on a rarely spoken about subject and for anyone who has a difficult relationship with their mother. Read more
Published 3 months ago by miss marple
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
I was recommended this book by a colleague - as a counsellor it's been a valuable resource and as a bonus it's very easy to read!
Published 4 months ago by Mrs Brenda A Prudence
5.0 out of 5 stars I found this book to be very inspirational, and that is an...
My mother used to be very emotionally abusive and as such, I found this book to be of great interest to myself. Read more
Published 13 months ago by The Reviewer
3.0 out of 5 stars Not for me
I thought the book would contain tips on how to improve my relationship with my daughter. It is not written from the mother's view but would be OK I guess for daughters to read. Read more
Published 13 months ago by Grandma
5.0 out of 5 stars Saved My Sanity!!
At the point I bought this book, I had what could be lightly defined as a 'fractious' relationship with my mother (hurling my phone at the wall after every conversation in sheer... Read more
Published 13 months ago by Vikki
3.0 out of 5 stars everyone's unique
I was fortunate to have one of the best mums in the world. I bought the book as i have a friend who is distant from her mum and have a son that is distant from me. Read more
Published 14 months ago by Mrs. Gillian F. Veale
4.0 out of 5 stars Informative but sometimes a bit boring
Having read that book i was able to ascertain my mum was a critic and a smotherer. The book tells lots of individual stories and sets out the types of personalities that mothers... Read more
Published on 15 April 2012 by Louise
5.0 out of 5 stars A positive way forwards
Intelligent, empathetic and so incredibly helpful. When I picked up this book, I had realised a lots of the damage from my past, and I was looking to hear some similar stories,... Read more
Published on 26 Mar 2012 by Sally Winter
1.0 out of 5 stars Not an easy read
This book had loads of great reviews that encouraged me to purchase. I was looking forward to some clarity about my relational problems with my mother, and possibly some advice /... Read more
Published on 5 July 2011 by J. Swainson
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