When Friendship Hurts [Paperback]

I was disappointed with this book --it was much more simplistic than what I was looking for. It seemed to carry a theme throughout: if your friend has problems, such as depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc., and they affect the friendship, it's best to end the friendship unless they go for therapy. The author advocates making and keeping friendships that are described as fairly ideal. That sounds great to me, but it just didn't seem very realistic, but rather black and white.
I found one story in the book particularly unsettling. The author tells of one of her own college friendships. Ms. Yager says that her friend, "Cindy," told her that she had tried to kill herself. Ms. Yager speculates on her friends' upbringing and then says that at the time, she felt betrayed by Cindy's suicide attempt, "as if it were a slap in the face of our friendship." Ms. Yager says, "Looking back, my thinking, however selfish and confused at the time, may not be all that atypical. My first response was to wonder how much she cared about me as a friend if she was willing to cause me to suffer, as I would have if she had succeeded." The author goes on to say that the friendship fell apart over the next year or two, and that she knew it wasn't due to the fact that they lived in different cities, as she had other friendships like that that worked. She said the main reason was that Cindy's mental illness scared her. The author says that she has thought from time to time of trying to find Cindy to see if she got help and her life turned out okay -- but that she never has, and that the reason she never has is because she has so many positive, healthy friendships now, and therefore she takes "the coward's way out" and does nothing.
What I thought was helpful about this story was that there are readers who might relate to how scary it is to learn that a friend is suicidal, and how problematic it can be. But mostly I found some things about the story, as told, a little disturbing. The author is a PhD Sociologist now -- not a layman about mental health issues. I'm wondering why a professional is still a "coward" about this incident. I also noticed that the author calls the many other friendship incidents in the book "betrayals," but when she relates her own story, she describes her behavior toward her friend as merely "insensitive" and says that she did what was probably typical. In a great many of the other stories, the author analyzes what childhood problems may have led to the betraying actions in the friendships, but in her own story, she just leaves it at "I wonder what happened to Cindy?" I'm not suggesting that the author must analyze her own reaction in this example from her life, but it strikes me as odd given the fact that she does so in so many of the other stories. I also wonder why the author doesn't end her story about her suicidal friend by suggesting to readers how serious it is when a friend talks of suicide, and what basic things to do when that happens, without becoming enmeshed yourself - the author is a PhD Sociologist.
I found the book to be encouraging and validating in it's message of not letting destructive friendships go on and on and bring undue unhappiness and problems into your life, but it was too black and white for me, with too little insight into navigating through the problems. To me, the author seems to be justifying her own unintentional betrayal of her friend, and that really gives me pause.

We've all been there. Our faithful and beloved friend has in some way betrayed us. It's hurtful and painful and we react in different ways in different situations. "When Friendship Hurts" is the second and latest book in Dr. Jan Yagers friendship series and a follow up book on Friendshifts®.

We make many friends in a lifetime, but only a few are friends for life. "When Friendship Hurts" gives you insight in selecting friends that are good for you - to select the wolves from sheeps. I especially like chapter 2: `Detecting harmful people before they are friends'. In this chapter you'll find 21 different types of potentially negative friends. By reading through each type I can easily recognize which types my bad friends from the past are. It can also help you to predict whether a friendship will turn out good or not before bonding.

More insights are such as: why are friends hurting friends? Are there different rules at work? Can we break the pattern and find good friends.

In these days, Jan Yager is finalizing her third book on friendships. The area she studies here is friendship at work. I'm looking very much forward to her coming books.

Yager writes a wonderful book on friendships that have gone bad. While not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, many do, and when friendships start to go sour what do you do? Jan Yager has a clear understanding of what healthy relationships should be, and how they should make you feel, and that you have a responsibility in them. She also has clear guidelines of when friendships start to go badly what can be done.

My favorite part of the book is her short quiz on is the relationship harmful she asks:
1. Is your friend trustworthy
2. Does your friend return your phone calls?
3. Does your friend always keep appointments or meetings and promises?
4. Do other friends praise this friend?
5. Do you enjoy listening to your friend?
6. If you have an opposite-sex friend, and you're both romantically involved with others or married, does your friend's romantic partner know about your friendship?
7. Is your friend someone you're proud of?
8. Is your friendship based on who you both are now, rather than on what you were when you first became friends?
9. After you see your friend, do you fiend yourself thinking, "Wow, I'm glad we're friends?"
10. Does your friend respect your boundaries and your privacy?

She also describes different types of bad friendships and gives suggestions on what you can do to stay in them, or leave the relationship. She does have you ask yourself is the friendship healthy? Was it healthy? Are you up to investing enough into the friendship to make it work again? Most importantly, is the friendship worth saving?

I found her book helpful, and a good guideline on having healthy friendships with others. While this is not a complete book on friendships, it is a good starting point. This book will have you evaluate relationships that may have past their prime, and those relationships that should be salvaged. I would definately recommend this book to anyone that may have nagging questions about friendships that they may have.