Walking with Gay Friends: A Journey of Informed Compassion [Paperback]

You want to share the gospel with your gay friend, but don't want to appear insensitive. You want to help a fellow Christian struggling with their sexuality, but don't want to get it wrong.

Using real-life stories and biblical teaching, Alex Tylee shows Christians how to love their gay friends with informed compassion. She asks:

Does God make people gay?

Why does is seem more difficult to share the gospel with gay people?

What should I do if my friend starts a gay relationship?
By providing answers to these and other questions, Alex helps equip friends, families and the church to reach out.

I guess initially I had always assumed I was a Christian. My parents were churchgoers, I had been christened as a baby, I owned a Bible and I was a nice person. Religion wasn't something that I gave much thought to; it was just a nice background thing that was part of being middle-class and English. I didn't see it as something big enough to conflict with my increasingly evident homosexual feelings.

As I look back on childhood, I can identify some things that made me a bit different. I can remember, at primary school, being asked what I would like to be when I grew up. I said that I would like to be a policeman. 'Don't you mean a policewoman?' the teacher laughed. I was confused, because in my head I had imagined myself as an adult man. I felt much more like a little boy than a little girl.

Moving on to middle and secondary school, I can remember having certain female friends whom I would put on pedestals. These girls occupied so much of my thinking that I hardly noticed as my other friends began to fight for the attentions of boys, who for me were too irrelevant even to appear on my radar. By seventeen, I remember a particular attraction to one girl who shared two of my subjects at A level. She was creative, intelligent and popular in a way that for me made her stand out amongst my peers. I took a great interest in her ideas, thoughts and emotions and began to realize that my feelings for her were more than just a special interest; they were developing into feelings of physical and sexual attraction. One evening when my parents were out, I remember watching a programme on TV about lesbians. I found that I could relate so much to the feelings these women were describing that I had to admit to myself explicitly, for the first time, that I was gay.

Around the same time as I was dealing with this, I can remember looking through my Gideon Bible, which I had been given for free at school. I looked down the list of topics entitled 'Where to find help in times of need' and was intrigued to find the heading 'Sexual immorality'. I flicked to it, in the manner of a teenager looking up naughty words in the dictionary, and found the phrase 'homosexual offenders' (1 Corinthians 6:9).

Offenders? The phrase seemed so outdated and bigoted. I really could not believe that any God would say a thing like that. I knew that I had not chosen my sexuality, so it seemed incredibly unreasonable that I should be condemned for something that was just a natural part of me. I concluded that the Bible must have been written by some homophobic bigots thousands of years ago and was not a document to be taken seriously. I decided that I was not a Christian after all, which was no great loss to me, as it had made no impact on my life in the first place.

I did not think about God again until I went to university. One of the first people I met when I enrolled on my course happened to be a Christian. I had never come across a Christian like this before. For her, her belief in God seemed actually to affect her life. She regularly read the Bible and even believed that it was the inspired word of God. What puzzled me even more was that I liked her; she was clever, fun and down to earth. I found it hard to reconcile the two: an intelligent person whom I respected, and yet someone who believed something as ridiculous and outdated as Christianity.

Over the next two years, we had several conversations about her beliefs. I found it fascinating that she seemed so unashamed to admit to being a Christian. She used to take me along to evangelistic meetings that the Christian Union put on, and I would politely make comments like 'very interesting', having dismissed all that I had heard.

However, I can remember one or two talks that struck a chord. One was about Jesus, called 'Jesus: Mad, Bad or God?' Jesus' life did not seem to point to the conclusion that he was mad or evil. As he appeared in the Bible, he seemed so loving and coherent. He claimed to be God and he did all kinds of amazing things, which were recorded by secular historians as well as Gospel writers and which, if they were true, would back up that claim. I couldn't quite explain Jesus away. If, as the speaker claimed, the Gospels were historically reliable documents, then who was this man? If he was God, I really ought to take him seriously. Another talk was called 'Am I Good Enough for Heaven?' I was shocked to hear at this talk that being nice and owning a Bible did not give me an automatic ticket to eternal life. I was not sure whether I believed in an afterlife, but I did not like the idea that if there was one, I'd be excluded. However, I had not forgotten what I had found in my Gideon Bible a few years before. I knew I did not want to become a Christian. In fact, I guess I thought I was automatically excluded because of my sexuality. I pushed all of these thoughts aside and carried on living as I had before. ...

'This is a fine book ... It contains a wealth of information on the important area of understanding Gay people. It shows how one can go beyond superficially accepting such relationships so as to meet the emotional needs of those struggling with their sexuality. The book points a way forward through such difficulties to enable sound witness.'
Jennifer Jones, Christian Biblical Counsellor, CWR Advice and Referral Service.

'... edgy and unhindered by slick Christian phraseology ... The chapter entitled, "Identity and Evangelism" is exceptionally powerful and Alex successfully guides the reader into the mindset of a homosexual man or woman. This deeper understanding can only help those friends, family and fellowships who seek to come alongside men and women with a homosexual orientation.'
Jeanette Howard, author of 'Out of Egypt' and 'Into the Promised Land'.

It is a real privilege to write the foreword for Alex's book. Christians can all too easily live as if there is a hierarchy of sin. We forget that we have all fallen short of the glory God intended us to demonstrate day by day. We do not take into account our sins of omission, or the sins in our hearts; where we have been unforgiving, or impatient, or passive aggressive. So we are vulnerable to judgment and pride. We become confused when we encounter 'live' sin and forget that, before the cross, we stand on a level playing field.

So first, this book reminds us that as none of us is without sin, so none of us is entitled to throw the first stone. The biblical texts around this are well discussed and the conclusions well drawn.

Then, the book clearly lays out the roots of same-sex attraction, avoiding the pitfall of any formula and reassuring us that there are logical reasons why our unmet needs may become eroticized and cry out for expression in this way.

The use of personal testimony gives this book vitality and authority. It is timely both for the debates and the pastoral dilemmas within the church family, and for navigating personal friendships as Christ would want.

I believe this book will enable those for whom same-sex attraction is an issue to dare to hope for more and for change; and bring a refreshing and informed compassion to those who journey with them.

Dr Lisa Guinness
Director of the Living Waters Discipleship and Healing Trust