Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip--Confessions of a Cynical Waiter [Hardcover]

Chronicling six years in the life of a New York City waiter, "Waiter Rant" is one of those rare treats that breaks new ground in originality. Taken from the `blog' of an `anonymous' waiter, tales run the gamut from the hilarious to the sublime. I was stunned and amused to read about the escapades, characters and events that most of us `civilians' rarely see. Stories are deftly told about the complexities of being a `servant' that adds a nice balance from the absolutely absurd incidences to the passionately poetic insights. Of course, the workers (on all levels) are the real stars here and the range of personalities and background is humorously (and endearingly) fleshed out. From sweet `waiter' observations of couples both young and old to the self-entitled manic behavior of rude customers, `Waiter Rant' will have you crying and howling. The "Bistro" may seem like a well run upscale restaurant, but the behind the scenes shenanigans is jaw-dropping.

The author begins his journey as a beginning waiter out of desperation for a job. Soon, he becomes an accomplished professional with amazing skills at handling multiple tables, fast turnovers and the tact of a saint. The author also notes in humorous detail all the tools and insights needed to handle anything from an unrelenting and paranoid management to dining room emergencies and the psychological handlings of all of the above. It is no small feat and his previous employment background in the seminary and a psychiatric hospital prove invaluable in everyday situations at the restaurant.

A lot of territory is covered here and the general public truly has no idea the kind of lifestyle this industry attracts or creates. It is a world unto itself and "the waiter" proves to be an enjoyable read at all levels. To cap it all off, the book ends with a hilarious (but mandatory) list of "do's and don'ts". An emotional roller-coaster with humor and human insight en masse, this book is a real joy. It screams HBO special all over the place.

Aptly titled Waiter Rant
Is a book many can't
Bear to put down once begun
As it's true and great fun.

Why couldn't I put Waiter Rant down after reading a few pages? Because he started by serving great dish - although economists say that the restaurant business is a bellwether of the nation's economic health. Our author sees it differently: "... I think it's a bellwether of America's mental health as well. And let me tell you, 20 percent of the American dining public are socially maladjusted psychopaths. We should start putting Prozac in the Perrier."

Unfortunately for this waiter (Steve Dublanica who is no longer anonymous thanks to book tours) much of that 20 percentile found its way to his tables. It's more than entertaining to discover how he handled or mishandled the grouses, the souses, and the patently dishonest.

But, how did a nice guy find himself in such a fix? He started out to become a priest. After attending a college seminary, he became disenchanted by "an imperfect system." Following college graduation with a major in psychiatry he worked for a drug-rehabilitation facility where he again met disillusionment when all the bugs in the health care system were discovered - insurance fraud, restraining patients against their will, etc. What to do to pay the rent and buy groceries? His brother worked as a waiter and found a job for Steve. Thus, it all began.

As time passed he realized that what he witnessed each day as customers dined and drank were snapshots of their lives - either pretty or ugly but always revealing. Steve began to write about what he saw each day on his blog waiterrant.net. The blog eventually garnered a huge audience, won the 2006 "Best Writing in a Weblog" Bloggie award, and caught the attention of book publishers.

Of course, this didn't happen overnight. What Steve thought was a stop gap job turned into 7 years at the Bistro, owned by Fluvio, an irrational dictator so ruled by paranoid anxiety that he installed hidden cameras in order to keep an eye on his staff in the dining room, kitchen, front sidewalk, and even the back alley where they went for a smoke.

Steve's recollections of his customers are priceless, both heart warming and hilarious. His revelations about what goes on in a restaurant's kitchen aren't always appetizing. What goes on in a restaurant's rest room? Totally shocking!

Waiter Rant is this year's special. Enjoy and be very, very kind to your waiters.

Highly recommended.

- Gail Cooke

Drama: Without it we are soon bored. With too much drama, we are soon looking for peace and quiet. Waiters usually have no drama as they routinely do their jobs, so naturally the dramatic moments stand out. The Waiter who writes for the Waiter Rant Web site entertains us in this self-revealing memoir by sharing his highest and lowest moments serving the public in the New York City area.

Now, life for waiters in New York tends to be more dramatic than elsewhere in the United States: New York diners are demanding, loud, and aggressive. I well remember my first meal in a nice restaurant with people from New York. It was in Boston. If our waiter didn't sprint to our table within five seconds of these people wanting something, they headed off in a jog to find him. If this meant pushing into the kitchen or pounding on the men's room door, so be it. I wanted to crawl under the table and dig a hole.

Since then, I gotten used to dining with people from New York: There has to be a 30-minute heated discussion with the hostess over which table we will sit at while they threaten to take the whole party elsewhere (and often they do!). They usually don't even start thinking about what to order until after the waiter has returned six times to ask if everyone is ready. Everyone wants to order some item that's not on the menu and bitter complaints follow if that's not permitted. When the food arrives, they automatically send the entrees back to the kitchen to be redone while saying spiteful things about incompetence. The main table conversation is about how bad the restaurant is (led by those who picked the restaurant). Argh!

I hesitate to imagine what it must be like to be a waiter in these places. It might make a person a little cynical; n'est-ce pas?

The Waiter is one of those serving warriors who has done for this a long time. No, he doesn't plan to act on Broadway. No, it isn't a second job to support his family (he's unmarried and unattached). No, he isn't going to grad school. He does it to earn a living.

How did he get there? The Waiter started out in seminary, wanting to be a Catholic priest. He got angry about the way things were run in the church (and didn't realize that Catholics don't have a monopoly on inappropriate behavior) and quit. He earned a college degree in psychology and worked in a series of forgettable health care environments run by very sleazy people.

After losing a mental health job, he realized that he needed work to tide him over and avoid depression while he looked for a "good" job. Since his brother was working as a waiter part-time while he was in school, his brother suggested that The Waiter join him at Amici's, a suburban New York Italian restaurant. In the process, he learned that he had jumped out of the frying pan into the fire because Amici's was a very emotionally toxic environment, one where the survival of the fittest would have impressed Darwin.

I won't tell more of the story, but you'll get your share of ugly customer behavior, callousness, poor management, bad hygiene, and ripping off the customer. These are portrayed in calendar order, interspaced with the seasonal challenges of various holidays (Mother's Day is the worst for servers and customers) illustrated by horror stories.

The writing is extremely slick in the beginning, so much so that it seems like the stories are likely to have been "improved" as new journalism stories often are to be a "better" story. Amici's isn't quite to be believed, but you can make up your mind for yourself on that point.

The bulk of the book is sited at The Bistro where The Waiter doubles as the restaurant's manager whenever Fluvio, the owner, is away (which seems to be all of the time). The squabbles between The Waiter and the rest of the staff and with Fluvio are straight from sit-com heaven. When Ken Blanchard is looking for his next coauthor to write a parable about what not to do in business, he should look up The Waiter.

The craziness moves on nicely from episode to episode, but eventually focuses in on The Waiter's desire to escape waiting by becoming a writer. He begins to pay more and more attention to the Waiter Rant blog and dreams of writing a book. Well, you know how that turned out.

I thought the most interesting parts of the book came in how he came to understand himself better through being a waiter. Think of that part of the book as "Confessions of a Snippy Waiter."

Because of his psychology training, he's very good at explaining why waiting appeals to some people . . . despite the horrible drawbacks.

You'll probably cut back on your fine dining after you read this book. There's a tendency to make all customers seem like infants who lack motherly love and are willing to spend ridiculous sums to get a little attention from someone who is willing to pander to get tips.

Some (especially those from New York City) will be offended by the various guidelines for being a customer.

I was shocked to learn that I was demeaning servers whenever I gave them a tip over 25 percent. Who knew?

I would wish you bon appetit, but this book will probably spoil your appetite with its various stories about hygiene and getting revenge on customers.