Valentine [DVD] [2001]

A lot of horror films feature attractive women, but Valentine is in a class all by itself. What you get here is Katherine Heigl, Marley Shelton, Jessica Cauffiel, the charming Jessica Capshaw, and—drum roll please—Denise Richards. Denise Richards is absolutely stunning in this movie—the smoldering, sultry looks, the prayer-answering hot tub scene, and the bedroom scene I won’t even attempt to describe. Watching the creepy old detective put the moves on her is rather comical, but you can’t blame the guy for trying.

I must say I really love the killer in this movie. While the concept of the masked killer is far from original, the cherub mask is a cool, creepy look. This killer also enjoys variety, employing a number of different, equally effective implements of death. He works his way up from your basic knife across the throat and crossbow to broken shards of glass and a couple of really innovative weapons. No two deaths are remotely alike, and you can just tell how much the killer enjoys his/her work. The DVD’s energetic club reel of Orgy’s song Opticon is great, but I would caution you not to watch it before watching the movie because it does give a little away in terms of who lives and who dies.

Valentine has almost everything I want in a horror movie—a creepy killer, gorgeous actresses, all manner of killings, miscellaneous laughs, an actual plot of some complexity, nail-biting suspense, and a less than obvious ending that totally satisfied this horror fan. I would not have objected to some nudity, but this movie really doesn’t need it. It’s hot, it’s sizzling, it’s sexy, it’s smart, it’s a carnival of murderous delight. You won’t find many slasher films better than Valentine.

13 years after his ordeal, a grown up Jeremy Melton has returned to exact revenge on the same group of girls who rejected and humiliated him in his school days. Best friends Kate, Paige, Shelley, Lily and Dorothy (the girls befriended her eventually) are being targeted one by one but there is nothing to stop the past from catching up with them. Someone is leaving them ugly Valentine messages, maggot-infested chocolates and everywhere they go, the predatory form of a masked man is hot on their trails. Desperate for help, they turn to Detective Vaughn for help and decide to track down Jeremy together. The problem is, nobody knows what Jeremy looks like after 13 years. If he were to swap his glasses for contact, ditch his nerdy hairdo and undergo a makeover...well, he could be anyone. But protagonist Kate must uncover his stalker's identity before she falls prey as well.

If I were to summarize this movie in two words, it would be: cheap thrills. That's not necessarily a bad thing but let's admit it, how many times has Hollywood recycled the teen-slasher-flick formula to arrive at "Valentine"? Don't get me wrong, slasher flicks like "Valentine" do get your blood pumping on the spot but after the jumpy moments, you would probably be left with a feeling of emptiness and saying to yourself: 'I knew that was gonna happen!' "Valentine" *does* retain some originality although most of it is a good melange of familiar scenes from other well-known slasher flicks such as "Scream", "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and "Halloween". The scene where Kate runs through the garden screaming for help should remind you of poor Casey Cooper at the beginning of "Scream". Frankly there is not enough scary moments to be considered a horror movie. In fact, I wouldn't even categorize this as horror. It's more of a thriller, really. "Valentine" fails to deliver the terror and heart-stopping tension that is expected of a good horror. To end on a positive note, however, "Valentine" has eyecandy David Boreanaz, quite a good twist at the end and it hammers home the repercussions of bullying and the effects that childhood cruelty has on the victim's psychology. If you treat someone badly, then expect to be treated badly yourself. So think twice the next time you pick on the class nerd or that fat, pudgy dweeb who nobody wants to hang around with!