Unfaithful [Paperback]

Earlier this year, I discovered that my wife had been unfaithful to me while I was mobilized for duty in Afghanistan. To make matters worse, the man she had an affair with is a member of her church. With nowhere to turn after the affair was revealed, I discovered this book and found it very helpful. Because of the facts surrounding my particular experience, Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity had some good points to make about how the born-again church interacts with the faithful spouse, the unfaithful spouse and the lover, since Gary's and Mona's experience with the affair and its consequences is written from an evangelical perspective and Gary's "other woman" was also a member of their church. However, because I am not a Christian and therefore not a member of my wife and her lover's congregation (Assembléia de Deus), some parts of the book were not applicable to me, particularly the parts that quoted and interpreted scriptural passages. And, although the book is excellent at describing the principals' emotions, it is a little short on how trust is actually rebuilt after an affair. It also jumps around in time, which weakens the book's underlying promise of demonstrating how trust is rebuilt after an affair.

But overall, for those betrayed spouses going through this very painful experience, particularly Christian spouses, this is a good book to read. Some of the most important points the book brings out are:

* Although you may not have been the ideal spouse, nothing ever justifies your spouse having an affair (p 72).

* The possibility of an affair frequently begins with the unfaithful spouse's anger at the faithful spouse (p 76).

* Absolute honesty from the unfaithful spouse is essential to rebuilding trust, even though short-term it causes more hurt (pp 88, 90, 136). Only with a proven track record of honesty over time can trust be rebuilt.

* The ability to deceive -- lie convincingly -- is a huge part of the destruction an affair causes (pp 95, 115). I know this personally because of the devastating effect my wife's post-affair lying had on me when I confronted her with the name of her lover and accused her of the affair. She looked me right in the eye and said "Juro por Deus que não tive um caso com ele" ("I swear to God I didn't have an affair with him"), even though I had just read an IM between the two of them where she had written about what their child would have looked like if she had became pregnant by him ("imagina so...daqui a 9 mêses nascendo uma/um menino/a com um cabelo mas crespinho e mas moreninho...que graça?!!!!").

* A marriage where adultery has occurred is more likely to have adultery occur again, the "oneness" of the marriage having been destroyed (p 97).

* Betrayed spouses should be very careful about the people they tell (p 110).

* Rebuilding trust involves avoiding all situations where there can be even a hint of deception (p 129) and requires having the unfaithful spouse answer any question the faithful spouse asks (p 136).

* If you're the betrayed spouse, and you're bored with thinking about or talking about the affair, then you've reached an important milestone to recovery (p 138).

* It is normal to want to know every detail possible about the affair -- dates, times, clothes, locations, emotions (p 140).

* To prevent a recurrence of an affair, if you're a married man, never be alone with a woman; if you're a married woman, never be alone with a man (pp 193-194). If only my wife had followed this advice from the beginning!

* "Forgiveness is not trust. These are two separate issues" (p 159). Personally, I think can eventually forgive my wife, since I too have felt the desire to cheat. Even though I've never acted on that desire, I've been much more receptive to it than having it be a simple passing thought. As for regaining my trust -- that is another matter and will take years.

This is a great book about a couple who have been through what my husband and I are currently going through. They describe in detail their feelings at the time of the discloser of the affair. I could relate to her feelings and share them better with my husband and he could do the same for me. We were able to open up more with each other. Someone else has been there and survived - there is hope!

We discovered this book as we were trying to rebuild or marriage after an affair rocked our world. What captured us from the get go was how much we had in common with this couple and that the challenges and struggles they faced, we were now facing. It felt like we were reading our own story. It was uncanny. We have been married over 20 years, have been Christians a long time, and both thought this would never happen to us. It did.
The help this book brought came in the form of hope. Hope in the knowledge that they had made it through ad perhaps we could too. Many times they described emotions or challenges that we are just now dealing with, and that gave the book a sense of authority. We could really relate to this couple. But beyond hope they also helped with a road map. They are now many years down the road we are just now starting to walk down and they have shared lessons and wisdom they garnered along the way. This wisdom comes from not only their own story but from the many others they counsel. So encouraging it has been, that we even now are wondering if perhaps we will one day be able to help others with our story.
It is certainly written from a christian perspective. To some this is a plus. To others a negative. However I think the strength of this book comes from the fact that the Shrivers just seem like real everyday people. This and the book "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas have proven to be invaluable books to us. And we've read a few.