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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Paperback – 6 Apr 2006

4.4 out of 5 stars 53 customer reviews

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Product details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Atria Books; 1st Atria Books Trade Pbk. Ed edition (6 April 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0743487486
  • ISBN-13: 978-0743487481
  • Product Dimensions: 14 x 1.8 x 21.4 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (53 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 10,129 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Product Description

Synopsis

This book presents a provocative challenge to the conventional wisdom of raising children. Author of nine books, including the controversial "Punished by Rewards", Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards with regards raising children. Kohn, the father of young children himself, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally - that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, brides and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true.

Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humour and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out).


Inside This Book

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First Sentence
I have sometimes derived comfort from the idea that, despite all the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make) as a parent, my children will turn out just fine for the simple reason that I really love them. Read the first page
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Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
Like most parents, I have tried star-charts, time-outs, naughty chair, sticker books, you name it. But at the back of my mind there had always been a niggling feeling that these traditional 'methods' were not the right way forward. Unconditional Parenting gave me the power to question those traditional beliefs and the tools to work with my child, to treat him with the respect and unconditional love that every child deserves. So often we enter into parenthood weighted down by our past - how we were treated by our parents. I'm so glad to be able to break that cycle. Read this book and stop treating your children as enemies who must be tamed and controlled.
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Alfie Kohn uses real research to back up his conclusions. The book is very readable and easy to understand but the ideas it contains could very well change your life and your children's lives. Very highly recommended by someone who has read a LOT of parenting books and has never before felt compelled to recommend one.
Comment 76 of 79 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
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Format: Paperback
I was given this book to read by a friend of mine who reads all parenting and birthing and other children related books, and I mean all of them, all she can lay her hands on :) This she recommended as an absolute must and now after reading it, I agree with her. Alfie Kohn tells not only about why punishment is wrong (even such punishment we do not call punishment, because we are those parents who do not punish their kids, right). He also tells, and more importantly in my opinion, why praise and rewarding in the classical way is equally bad for your child. Obviously he offers alternatives and also admits that pitfalls lay ahead of each parent, him including.

Read it. It is liberating.
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I am reading this book for the second time... the first time I found it so challenging and confronting that it made me really defensive and angry. I put it away for a few months then started it again... I guess the information has been sinking in over the past few months because the second time around it is a whole new story!!! I cant praise it highly enough, it is such a wonderful insightful book and has totally changed my parenting and relationships with my children. I agree with Alfie 100% and just wish I had read this when my children were babies. All the other books I read and parenting counsellors I spoke to really guided me toward the traditional ways of parenting which just never worked in having the relationship I desired to have with my children. I wish everyone would read this and I believe if all parents and teachers discarded the traditional ways of relating to and punishing children etc the world would be transformed. My husband has also been using this in relating to the children he teachers and has been seeing incredible changes!! I hope that if you buy this and find it challenging you will give it another shot because I truly believe this is the most wonderful parenting book!
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Format: Paperback
I have found this book fascinating and its really changed the way I parent. The 'using any method to get children to behave' principle is ingrained in our culture but the author argues very convincingly that this is very shortsighted.

Has really helped me view what I am doing with my children in another light and changed what I do
Comment 55 of 61 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
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Format: Paperback
I really liked the central concept of the book, that is you should love your child unconditionally, success or failure, naughty or good, and that the child should know that they are loved unconditionally so that they can grow up secure. However I was very disappointed with the actual substance about the nitty gritty daily life and how you manage things. There were lots of don'ts - don't praise your child when they've been good, don't punish them when they've been bad - but I felt it was lacking on the what you are supposed to do.
1 Comment 51 of 58 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
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Format: Paperback
This is an extremely thought-provoking book. It offers a different way of parenting for those people who are not sure about time out etc, but perhaps can't quite put their finger on what bothers them about it. The idea that praise and punishment are two sides of the same coin and that they are equally damaging is hard to take, but AK's argument, to me, was very persuasive.

Unfortunately I've found it extremely hard to break the praising habit. It feels like you are not being appreciative. Especially when your child is v small and everything they do is new and exciting, it is hard not to say well done, good boy etc. That is one area that the book falls down a little - there aren't very many examples of what you can do instead of praising.

Also, I've found that it brought out some strong feelings about my own childhood and how my parents interacted with me - I don't want to make the same mistakes and hopefully reading this book will help me raise a confident son, who knows that he is always loved no matter what.
2 Comments 15 of 17 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
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I have been on a bit of a roller coaster since reading this book. and have managed to bring my opinion round in a full circle!
I was at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with my 3 year olds daily acts of defiance and felt a bit lacking in control. Up until quite recently, we actually hadn't needed an awful lot of "discipline" so to speak, our daughter has been fairly amenable and laid back. But NOT NOW!
So i got this book on suggestion from a forum, and at first i wanted to throw it straight in the bin! It seemed pretty irritating in its idealised view of parenting and i wasn't really agreeing with it. BUT then i read a bit more and it really started to open my eyes as to just how punishment can (perhaps) be perceived by the child....it sprung up loads of questions for me as to whether harsh punishments actually work in TEACHING a child a moral lesson or what is deemed "acceptable behaviour"

The part about rewards i totally agree with, as to say to a child "if your are really well behaved, we will get you an ice cream!" i just think this encourages the wrong kind of self motivation and makes the child think of selfish gains he can get by "behaving" in a certain way. Id rather just treat my girl to something every now and again just because i love her and its a nice thing to do.

The general concept of this approach, is that punishment and consequences are not affective in teaching a child how to BE a nice/compassionate/caring/sharing person. The alternative generally, is to talk to your child, explaining just why its bad to hit (for example) but not to punish them as this could lead to a child feeling that they are not "acceptable" when they are behaving in a negative way.
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1 Comment 41 of 47 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
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