- Paperback: 272 pages
- Publisher: Atria Books; 1st Atria Books Trade Pbk. Ed edition (6 April 2006)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0743487486
- ISBN-13: 978-0743487481
- Product Dimensions: 14 x 1.8 x 21.4 cm
- Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars See all reviews (53 customer reviews)
- Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 10,129 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Paperback – 6 Apr 2006
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This book presents a provocative challenge to the conventional wisdom of raising children. Author of nine books, including the controversial "Punished by Rewards", Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards with regards raising children. Kohn, the father of young children himself, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally - that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, brides and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true.Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humour and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out).
Inside This Book(Learn More)
I have sometimes derived comfort from the idea that, despite all the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make) as a parent, my children will turn out just fine for the simple reason that I really love them. Read the first page
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index
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Top Customer Reviews
Read it. It is liberating.
Has really helped me view what I am doing with my children in another light and changed what I do
Unfortunately I've found it extremely hard to break the praising habit. It feels like you are not being appreciative. Especially when your child is v small and everything they do is new and exciting, it is hard not to say well done, good boy etc. That is one area that the book falls down a little - there aren't very many examples of what you can do instead of praising.
Also, I've found that it brought out some strong feelings about my own childhood and how my parents interacted with me - I don't want to make the same mistakes and hopefully reading this book will help me raise a confident son, who knows that he is always loved no matter what.
I was at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with my 3 year olds daily acts of defiance and felt a bit lacking in control. Up until quite recently, we actually hadn't needed an awful lot of "discipline" so to speak, our daughter has been fairly amenable and laid back. But NOT NOW!
So i got this book on suggestion from a forum, and at first i wanted to throw it straight in the bin! It seemed pretty irritating in its idealised view of parenting and i wasn't really agreeing with it. BUT then i read a bit more and it really started to open my eyes as to just how punishment can (perhaps) be perceived by the child....it sprung up loads of questions for me as to whether harsh punishments actually work in TEACHING a child a moral lesson or what is deemed "acceptable behaviour"
The part about rewards i totally agree with, as to say to a child "if your are really well behaved, we will get you an ice cream!" i just think this encourages the wrong kind of self motivation and makes the child think of selfish gains he can get by "behaving" in a certain way. Id rather just treat my girl to something every now and again just because i love her and its a nice thing to do.
The general concept of this approach, is that punishment and consequences are not affective in teaching a child how to BE a nice/compassionate/caring/sharing person. The alternative generally, is to talk to your child, explaining just why its bad to hit (for example) but not to punish them as this could lead to a child feeling that they are not "acceptable" when they are behaving in a negative way.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
If you need one parenting book, this is the one. Gentle and intuitive, helps you figure out what you already know. I can't recommend it enough.Published 1 month ago by R. Lazaro
excellent book for any parent or educator. Makes you think a lot about what you are doing and what you want for your child in the future. Read morePublished 3 months ago by hanelore lott
A powerful book. Reading it again. Not only does it get you thinking differently about your relationship with your kids, it also gets you thinking about your relationship with your... Read morePublished 4 months ago by Me
A great book that challenges you to take a brave look at parenting. It gives a lot of pointers on what it really means, in practice, to take our children seriously. Read morePublished 5 months ago by Annemieke
I have not started to read this book but for what I have glanced through it looks like an interesting and thought provoking read.Published 7 months ago by sleepyMo
My husband and I spent two weeks on reading it. We did it slowly and patiently as it is an awarding winning book. Unfortunately, we really didn't find it very helpful. Read morePublished 8 months ago by LILY
I loved the central ideas in this book and it did give me a lot of pause for thought but I felt the book is very heavy on the what not to do and very light on the what to do... Read morePublished 8 months ago by AC