Ultimate Guide to Kink, The [Paperback]

Whenever I read a book edited by Tristan Taormino, I look forward to her introductions just as much - and sometimes more - than to the stories. This is no exception. She starts out by giving us readers some heartening news about how kink has become more and more "mainstream" in recent years, thanks to the internet. It's about time, right? Then she proceeds to explain how and why this guide is relevant at this point in time. Let's just say that, if I'd been highlighting interesting and well-crafted sentences in her writing, the whole introduction would have been highlighted. For instance, the following sentence defining what kinksters do when they get together in public events:

"We learn skills that we can translate into every part of our life: how to claim our desires, negotiate for what we want and need, set boundaries, communicate limits, acknowledge power dynamics, celebrate sexuality, and accept each other's differences."

This is not fiction, people. This is a comprehensive collection of clear, concise, and expert advice on kink. The concept of kink itself is open and all-inclusive. The definition of the term, according to Ms. Taormino is: "an intimate experience, an exchange of power between people who can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or, most often, some combination. It's the people, practices, and communities that move beyond traditional ideas about sex to explore the edges of eroticism."

To me, that sounds like enlightenment.

The book is divided into two main parts:

* "Skills and Techniques" which includes a glossary of terms, and sections on spanking, bondage, fisting, rough sex, and other kinks. This section is a simple to understand and easy to read "how-to" manual for those topics. It is beautifully illustrated to show some of the concepts, rather than going into cryptic and impossible to visualize Kama Sutra-like descriptions.

* "Fantasies and Philosophies" goes deeper into the darker aspects of kink, like Domination, submission, masochism, sadism, and the taboo practices in role play. These types of play have always been a part of the kink scene, but have been kept quiet and "in the closet" precisely because they show the dark side of the human psyche.

Overall, there are several themes repeated over and over by all the contributors:

* Safe, sane, and consensual; risk-aware consensual kink - Effective communication and consent are threads consistently present in every single chapter of this book. It seems to me that kinksters are way ahead of the rest of us in that department.

* Safer-sex - there is no safe sex, but you can take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your partner(s). It doesn't have to stop the fun, though.

* There is nothing wrong with being sexually kinky. Discard all those messages that society imposes as the rules and regulations you must follow. In the intimacy of your sexual life, between consenting, risk-aware adults, anything goes.

Even if you have never thought of rope as anything but a good tool for hanging clothes to dry, there's lots of good stuff in this book. For example, the chapter on erotic role play gave me an "aha" moment. I've always had a problem mentally bridging the awkward distance I feel between me and the fictional characters I create for my writing. The solution is to go back to my all-time favorite pastime of childhood, playing "let's pretend..." When I get "into" my character's skin, the distance is gone and I can relate what I see, hear, and feel much better. My reader will then be able to experience the story much more vividly, too.

For all of you who might be curious about BDSM and edgy erotic play. For those who jumped in feet first but without much research, wanting to experience the thrill of giving or receiving pleasurable pain or control. For those into the scene already, who want to continue to learn and grow. For anyone who wants to read a good, no-nonsense guide to kink. This is the book for you. Enjoy!

It has been quite a few years since we have had a new BDSM 101 book, leaving us with books that were generally written in the mid to late 90s - perfectly good and useful books but dated nonetheless. Tristan Taormino's latest book, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge is a excellent way to break that long dry spell!

I was hooked with the introduction, but to be fair I'm generally a huge fan of Tristan's writing. Beyond that though, The Ultimate Guide to Kink deviates from the norm for books on BDSM in that each chapter is written by someone who has extensive experience with the given topic. When I first heard about it, I was disappointed that the whole thing hadn't been written by Tristan, but after reading a few chapters I was convinced this is a far better idea. Rather than one author trying to cover all the bases, this gives you not only the information but also the passion these people feel for their topics. These include plenty of the standards, some upper level topics and some things you'll only find at the edgier conferences. I found a good solid handful of new ideas, which is rare seeing as I've read most of the BDSM 101+ books on the market.

This book left me itching to go play which is what a good BDSM book should do, right?

This book just seems like it hasn't nailed down what its audience actually is. For example, the two sections of the book both begin assuming you're a rank novice who doesn't know what S&M is an abbreviation of, and who has never played dirty-cop with a sex partner. And that's great - I'm always on the hunt for beginner-friendly books, things I can pass along to my friends for education or entertainment.

But then it moves onto essays on animal roleplay, or age play, or Mollena Williams' piece on edge play that includes scenes of rape, incest, gay-bashing, and a bit where a handicapped person gets thrown out of their wheelchair and beaten, and I go "oh thank god I didn't lend this to anyone yet." Don't get me wrong - these essays are brilliantly written, informative, and interesting, and definitely worth reading, but they are probably not necessary or useful in a book that *seems* to be aimed at beginners.

So, in short, even though it seems (to me) like a book for newbies, I would NOT recommend it for beginners or novices unless they're unflappable or you're trying to scare the pants off them, or they're reading it in conjunction with many other books on the subject.