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Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew [Kindle Edition]

Sherrie Eldridge
4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (19 customer reviews)

Print List Price: £11.99
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Product Description

Product Description

 Best-Seller Since 1999! Required Reading by Many Adoption Agencies
  • Why your happy child runs a 102 fever on her birthday
  • Why adoptees resist talking about adoption with parents
  • How to Gain Entrance into the child's world/not gain entrance
Because each adopted child is unique, the reader is cautioned not to take the title literally. It is mainly a springboard for parents to become proactive in recognizing their children's unspoken  needs and thus become their child's #1 cheerleader in life.

Filled with powerful insights from children, parents, and experts in the field, plus practical strategies and case histories that will ring true for every adoptive family, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is an invaluable guide to the complex emotions that take up residence within the heart of the adopted child--and within the adoptive home.

From the Trade Paperback edition.

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 1190 KB
  • Print Length: 222 pages
  • Publisher: Delta; Reissue edition (7 Oct 2009)
  • Sold by: Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Language: English
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (19 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #80,067 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
89 of 94 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars not what I expected 27 Nov 2003
By A Customer
this started ok, but only deals with babies that were given up at birth and not from any other perspective, disappointing.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Biased and to be taken with a grain of salt 6 Dec 2013
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
The book is extremely biased. It's focused solely on the author's own negative experience. The tone feels more like a bitter rant than an objective look on the subject. It could have been a blend of interesting perspectives, but instead it's the author's own crusade in which only like-minded people have chosen to follow her and her generalizations.

To start off, she writes as if all adoptive families are the same. Adoptive or not, no family is the same. Period. The author's blunt generalization is a bit insulting. Example:

"The very act of adoption is built upon loss. For the birth parents, the loss of their biological offspring [...]. For the adoptive parents, the loss of giving birth to a biological child [...]. And for the adopted child, the loss of the birth parents."
Not all of those statements are true in all cases. As Crispe herself has mentioned in an earlier review, some parents don't choose adoption because of infertility. Birth parents may have died (instead of having given up the child). Not all children are adopted upon birth, etc. The only way I could have forgiven the generalization is if the book would have explicitly made it clear that it is discussing ONLY this specific scenario (which seems to be the worst case scenario).

I mentioned the book is biased too. To give a very concrete example of bias, I will point out that in the whole book, she only offers 1 quote by an adoptee who seems to have come to terms with his adoption in this part:
" 'After my wife and I had our first child, my adoptive parents gave me the little bit of information they had about my birth family and told me they would support me if I wanted to explore my history or search for birth relatives. I'm not sure why they even think I'd be interested, I'm not.
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Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
The most helpful parts of this book are the chapter headings. I base this, without meaning any disrespect to the author, on the fact that the headings (the 20 things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew) are useful tips to be mindful of when adopting.
However, the chapters themselves are seldom drawn from different adoptee's experiences and backgrounds. The book dwells too much on children being 'given up' and makes sweeping generalisations. Some children are orphans, some abused by their parents, some are removed due to neglect - but loved all the same by their birth parents. Each of these scenarios is hard for a child to comprehend, whether they remember it or not - but each situation is different and there is no 'one size fits all' approach from adoptive parents to help.
Equally, not every adopter adopts because they ran out of money after many fruitless Rounds of IVF. Some are foster Carers who choose to adopt those placed with them, some choose to adopt because they are single, gay or simply do not want to give birth while others wish to share their family with a child who needs a home.

If adopting in the UK, it is important to remember that this book is not written from a UK viewpoint. In the UK, openness is not just encouraged but expected. Adopters will learn everything about their new child that their social workers know, they are encouraged to meet the birth parents where appropriate, and they are expected to maintain indirect contact with the birth family through annual letters (via the adoption agency as an intermediary).
I've spoken to adoptees who have been secure about where they came from, aware they were adopted and when they met their birth family, grateful to have lead the life they have had.
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18 of 22 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Good but very unpaired by author's own experiences 19 April 2011
By Crisspe
This book is interesting and full of tools to help adoptive parents bring up their kids. Unfortunately, I also find it extremely one-sided and deeply impaired by the author's own life experiences.

It focuses only on a specific type of adoptee, those that were:

Adopted by parents who couldn't conceive
Very damaged by the trauma of adoption
Extremely unhappy about having been adopted

It totally overlooks families that have adopted out of CHOICE, for whom their adopted child/ren was NOT a second choice; also those adoptees who are much more resilient than the author was herself and for whom adoption was not as damaging as it was for her.

Of course prospective adoptive parents need to be prepared for the worst case scenario (for which the book would be excellent), but frankly there are some things on this book that I found a brutal generalization that completely overlook many of those who live in the adoption world.

It should be called "20 things I wish my adoptive parents knew", or "Twenty things adopted kids very unhappy and damaged by their adoption wish their adoptive parents knew".

There are quotes from hundreds of adoptees who have suffered deeply by their adoptions, and it seems this is the type of adoptee that the author favours in her research to fit her theories. It gives very little room for the feelings and views of adoptees that have fulfilling, happy adoption experiences, and no room at all for adopters that chose to give a child a chance rather than to create a new life to bring to the world.

Over all, a good tool for parenting but exclusively focused on the negative aspects of adoption.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Adoption parenting advice
This book was very deep and meaningful in parts but the reality of becoming an adoptive parent I suspect will require all these attributes and many more.
Published 6 days ago by Heidi Coleman
4.0 out of 5 stars Interesting
I learnt a lot of things in this book, the language is great and easy to follow
Would have been good with more direct quotes from kids though
But over all a very useful... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Anton Dickson
5.0 out of 5 stars Twenty things adoptive parents wish they had known!
We adopted 2 boys of mixed race in the late 60s, when there was little advice available for adopters. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Mrs. M. E. Clarke
4.0 out of 5 stars Very informative
Have not finished reading this yet but very moving and practical for people who are adopting, have adopted or are adopted. Really helpful practical advice.
Published 5 months ago by Jane
5.0 out of 5 stars Great insight
I found this really helpful and I know that I will continue to refer to it in the future as you never know what you will face in your family.
Published 10 months ago by sarah montgomery
5.0 out of 5 stars good
good read very informative have now lent it to a friend who is adopting. I would recommend this to anyone thinking of adopting a child
Published 16 months ago by deb
5.0 out of 5 stars excellent
This book is fantastic for an adoptive or pre adoptive parent to read. It is full of thoughtful facts that are relevant for your child
Published 17 months ago by kaja
5.0 out of 5 stars Not much out their of this quality on adoption and the author was...
Not much out there of this quality on adoption and the author was herself adopted which gives her credence and she shares first hand experience she references as well as asking... Read more
Published 17 months ago by Saysi
4.0 out of 5 stars not as good as I expected
Good book but I was disappointed that the author assumes people adopt only for reasons of infertility and she also doesn't address adopting children into homes where there are... Read more
Published 17 months ago by JoB
5.0 out of 5 stars Wisdom for adoptive parents
This is a wonderful book full of wisdom. I have read and re-read chapters for different stages of our journey. The last book was worn out and passed on so I needed a new one!
Published 20 months ago by angels123
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Popular Highlights

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Many adoptees try to convince themselves and others that they have no special needs. They are masters at keeping that vulnerable place within themselves concealed. However, beneath the surface there is often depression. Rage. Bewilderment. Confusion about identity. Fear of loss. Shame. Lack of direction. Lack of emotional stamina. Low stress tolerance. Floating anxiety. &quote;
Highlighted by 34 Kindle users
I am a grieving child. I came to you because of loss—one that was not your fault and one that you can’t erase. &quote;
Highlighted by 32 Kindle users
What is remembered, or preserved, is anxiety, a primitive kind of terror, which returns in waves in later life. &quote;
Highlighted by 31 Kindle users

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