Tits-Out Teenage Terror Totty [Paperback]

 

 

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This is the BEST reading I ever had!! Everyone should order your copy of this rare but extremely brilliant book today! Nobody writes Margaret Thatcher sex-dolls, mutant ferret-breeding anarchist witches, bestselling chimp novelists, gibberingly insane teenage terrorist psychopaths, resurrected Princess Diana, vegetarians, road protestors, serious novelists, rave music, evil dog-molesting Tory vampires like Steven Wells does. You will not be disappointed!

Steven "Swells" Wells will be a name known to teenagers in the '80's who looked forward to each new issue of the NME (New Musical Express) to see which band he would lay in to this week.

Swells took no prisoners - every week the hopes of some fledgling band (or indeed the smug certainty of dinosaur rock stars who were sure that they'd be given the blessing of the music press) would not simply be given 'a going-over' but would be ritually SLAUGHTERED. Some must have taken this personally, others however would see it as a compliment to be torn to shreds by Swells.

So it is with this book. All sacred cows are ripped to bloody pieces by Swells' caustic wit. The pace of the book is breathtaking - whole pages can go by with barely a punctuation mark to be seen. You are left in no doubt when another poor sod has been killed as the very font of the book expands to make it clear the excrutiating noise involved in the latest epic slaughter.

No part of society is safe - Tories, Lefties, Capitalists, Veggies, Folkies, Death metalers, Christians, Sun Readers and writers, sweet old ladies, small children, fluffy animals of all sorts (and God) - they all meet a bloody end sooner or later in the novel. This book is great fun .... but equally not for the faint hearted ... one minute you are delighting in the gory death of some Banker, the next you are trying to keep your last meal down in the face of some masturbatory/drug fueled ("combat strength cocain" usually) act of perversion.

Despite the endless scenes of death and debauchery, this is actually a very thoughtful book. Swells has obviously taken great trouble to understand his enemy and so consequently it matters not if the (soon-to-be-killed) party are an opera buff, a fox hunt sab, a body builder, a classics lecturer or simply a local book club - you feel that the party talking is the real thing .... as you wave goodbye to them! While the likes of Thatcher and Princess Di come in for a particularly hard time, it is not safe to assume that those of a left-wing leaning will come off unscathed. NO PERSON OR PART OF MODERN SOCIETY IS SAFE!

This book is an 18 certificate cartoon waiting to be comissioned (if only!) - it comes over like an unholy cross between South Park, Marvel Comics, Apocalypse Now and Debbie Does Dallas! The car crash scene alone (in which, amongst others, all of the following meet their makers in horrific circumstances: Conservative party constituency workers, Sun readers, a Channel 4 comissioning editor, public school rugby players, neo-nazis, jingly jangly indie bands, a lorry load of new U2 albums and a coachload of paedophiles ... and 800+ others!) is worth the price of the book alone.

Swells sadly died a premature death in 2009 and it is doubtful we'll see anyone like him again (or indeed any publishing house brave enough to take on the challenge in these safe and sanitised times. Thank goodness the 1980's NME management were made of sterner stuff). There is no other book like this out there (though Irving Welsh calling it "F*****g Brilliant" offers a clue as to what to expect).

The fact that this book is out of print (and selling for silly prices) tells you that this is not a 'safe' publishing prospect - but my god it is an amazing and irreverant read. SEEK IT OUT - KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!

R.I.P Swells (1960 - 2009)

This book is incredible. So very different to anything else I've read. The style is fast and relentless and there are sentences that go on for pages with descriptions, analogies and analogies of the analogies. The reader hardly gets a chance to pause for breath before the next wave of action. Its brilliant, more sex, drugs and violence than all Tarantino films put together. The way the book is presented is very original, and the opinions expressed reflect the mood of modern society. It took me about the first chapter to really get into the fast style. You have to read this book quickly, you are forced to by the lack of full stops and the constant action. Wells rewrites the English language, inventing new words by joining words together. One word to describe the book: relentless. Relentless comedy, action, sex, drugs, violence, and fun.

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