Thunderbirds [DVD] [2004]

One serious question "Did the writers even the watch the original Thunderbirds series?!!" I mean, many adaptation of television series are not the most faithful like Inspector Gadget, The Flintstones and Mr. Magoo but this, this was just awful. For any strong Thunderbirds/Gerry Anderson follower, you will feel slapped in the face.

The film was almost simply aimed at pre/early-teens. The characters seemed ridiculously young for their parts. Nearly all the characters in the original series were adults but here, I am sure that Lady Penelope was played by a 12-year-old. The CGI was a mess. The space background looked low budget and the rockets itshelves has lost a lot of its uniqueness. The plot, I am not even going there!

This is nonsence. If you are fan, then avoid at all costs. Instead, get the original puppets films from the 60s. This will only infuriate you.

I've always thought that most huge box-office flops usually have something to recommend them, but after the remake of Around the World in 80 Days and Thunderbirds, I'm beginning to doubt it. For those not familiar, it's based on a puppet show about a family of astronauts who use state of the art rockets, spaceships and subs to rescue people from various disasters (falling bridges, stricken planes, burning buildings, etc) each week. Well, the puppets are gone (replaced by far more lifeless teenagers), and so is the premise - only one ineptly staged rescue and a plot shamelessly ripped off from Spy Kids without any signs of imagination, wit or entertainment. Young Alan Tracey feels left out of all the rescuing we never see the other Traceys do because dad won't let him play with a real rocket until he passes his exams. Grounded on a beautiful tropical island (some punishment!), his chance to shine comes when the rest of the family - a bunch of identikit bleach-blondes who look like a gay neo-Nazi boy band without a single bit of characterisation between them - are stranded in space and he has to have the day by, er, running around the jungle, making a phone call, firing a hose at the inept comedy relief villains and dousing them in gunk for bad measure.

The good points are few and far between. One of them is that the film is mostly in focus. The other is they all got to go to the Seychelles, which looks nice.

The bad points: where to start? Ben Kingsley's career lowpoint performance? The aforementioned inept comedy relief sidekicks who would disgrace the Children's Film Foundation at its worst? The almost complete lack of action or effects in a $70m sci-fi film? The terrible script, the lifeless direction, the odious moralising? But most of all is the fact that the film is so patronising in every possible way. Forget the life lessons and off the peg sentiment, this is a movie aimed straight at the under-eights by people who know they're making a kid's movie and are constantly talking down to their intended audience, throwing in fifth-rate jokes and routines that would insult most children who had only recently mastered the art of speech. This film could replace being sent to bed early without their dinner as parents' favourite punishment for kids.

The biggest flop in British film history (it didn't even cover the cost of prints and marketing), it's just about watchable if only as an object lesson in how NOT to make a summer movie.

It speaks volumes in our fast-moving world that the original Thunderbirds television series still looks futuristic after nearly 45 years.

Against that, this Americanised live-action version is already looking a little dated after only five.

Of course, maybe the buyer of this DVD doesn't care about some ancient history and just wants to know if this film is worth getting.

Fans of the television series will know that what mattered was the saving of people in danger ("We're gonna die, Joe! we're gonna die!" "NO! Here come International Rescue") and the procedures to launch each of the Thunderbird craft, especially numbers 1 and 2.

Neither of these elements features in the film - a monorail crashes into the Thames and we experience hardly a creak nor a twang (cf National Theatre of Brent) from the perspective of those trapped. The launches are perfunctory affairs.

Instead, we find that the baddies are led by a sleepwalking Ben Kingsley as a decidedly non-Oriental Hood and, in a shameless display of ignorant sexism, Rose Keegan (Transom) is introduced rear-end-first as "foxy" (supposed to be good) but it is then revealed she has "bad teeth" (I quote - "eeuw") (which is supposed to be the reaction). Why does she try to get it on with Brains? Why should we care?

On the one hand, the Tracy brothers look a bit like a toothpaste advert (even Alan is wearing a brace) but on the other they are irredeemably scruffy. Even the International Rescue uniform has become a kind of grey overalls...

And the focus of the action is Tracy Island.

In fact, this film's central character could be Bill or Ted but is actually Alan Tracy, who is involved in a chase caper across Tracy Island. Inexplicably, Brains has a son called Fermat and Tintin is said to be "blossoming" - yuk!

Lady Penelope (Sophia Myles) is a successful Emma Peel-type take on the role. Parker (Ron Cook) (he played Chivery in 2008's "Little Dorrit") is quite good but isn't really given the lines to develop a character.

There are several good extras about the making of the film though they are hard to access through a menu.

The product placement is completely crass. Fords abound everywhere, and even FAB 1 (which everyone knows is a pink Rolls-Royce) is based on a heavily-modified American Ford Thunderbird, apparently.

Overall, I see these CGI workers in garret rooms working hard on the film in the extras, I see Tracy Island, I even note that each Tracy brother has a flash of a different colour on his overalls, I note that they have filmed opposite the Houses of Parliament and in the Seychelles, I note that they even closed Tower Bridge to fly through it in real life, and I wonder how come the end result is not miles better!

Just goes to show that pots of money are no substitute for true invention - like V for Vendetta's creator Alan Moore, the ghost at this feast who is not credited is Gerry Anderson...