Do your relationships tend to follow the same destructive pattern? Do you feel trapped by your family's expectations of you? Does your life seem overwhelmingly governed by jealousy or competitiveness or lack of confidence? In this ground-breaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. James combines the latest scientific research with fascinating interviews to show that understanding your past is the first step to controlling your present.
They F*** You Up
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Review
'A classic. An absolute, slam-dunk tour-de-force guaranteed to
make you think' -- Jeremy Vine
`He presents some compelling evidence for his case in this popular
examination of recent research into how we develop'
-- Irish Times
make you think' -- Jeremy Vine
`He presents some compelling evidence for his case in this popular
examination of recent research into how we develop'
-- Irish Times
From the Publisher
By the author of Britain on the Couch
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
38 of 40 people found the following review helpful
By hug_the_cat
Format:Paperback
It always pains me to read luke-warm Amazon reviews of a book that has really impressed me so I feel I must add my enthusiastic praise to this page. As a layman to the field of psychoanalysis, I am fascinated by the insights James has provided me with and I truly believe he has written an acurate and useful book that many people will benefit from.
If you can't afford the £40/hour to see a shrink, you could do worse than blow the money on expanding your self-knowledge and understanding with a copy of this.
21 of 22 people found the following review helpful
By The Axe Man
Format:Hardcover
Well... may be not. It could certainly make you stop and think. While parts of it are debatable, especially in terms of the stuff on genetics and the focus on the first six years, it is in most ways an outstanding book. It is refreshing in that it does not try to be a self-help book. Yet, by avoiding the gimics and nonsense of many self-help books, it presents a superb account of how we as individuals come to be.
Personally I found it very helpful, it gave me a lot of insights into my own insecurities and provides a real anchor point for understanding. There are also some useful exercises throughout the book to do an 'emotional audit.'
This book is very well written and cogently summarises a lot of theories, as well as illustrating points with interesting biographies of well known people.
This book should have a wide appeal: to anyone who has struggled in relationships, to a student of psychology or related discipline, or to the intersted general reader.
Personally I found it very helpful, it gave me a lot of insights into my own insecurities and provides a real anchor point for understanding. There are also some useful exercises throughout the book to do an 'emotional audit.'
This book is very well written and cogently summarises a lot of theories, as well as illustrating points with interesting biographies of well known people.
This book should have a wide appeal: to anyone who has struggled in relationships, to a student of psychology or related discipline, or to the intersted general reader.
34 of 37 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
It is very important that you read Oliver James' introduction to this book if you choose to buy it. If you've decided to read a book sub-titled 'How to Survive Family Life' the chances are you may already hold at least the foundations of a grudge against your parents. Oliver James makes it clear that he does not wish to make family strife worse. The book's title is inspired by a Philip Larkin poem and readers should know that the poem's ultitmate advice is not to have children. This book ends on a much more upbeat note. In fact throughout the book the author contends that a person's pyschology is moulded by their parents and that this is a much happier position than if personalities, and therefore personality disorders, were all 100% genetic. He maintains that with education and support parents can change for the better. He also believes that people can use analysis of their childhoods to see why they behave the way they do and perhaps understand themselves for the better - and at the very least ensure their own children get an easier ride of things. The book treats the reader, and therefore every reader, as if he/she was a patient and it is somewhat frustrating not to be able to talk back. Interestingly (please note if you are a publisher) I liked it because I didn't feel beneath it in the way I do with many 'self-help' titles.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Enlightening
I read this a few years ago and found it a compelling read, so much so that my husband started to refer to it as my 'bible'.. Read more
Published 25 days ago by David Mountain
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Must Read
Wish I had read this ages ago. I have learned more about myself (substantially more) in the 2 weeks I've been reading this book than in the 2 1/2 years of therapy I've received.... Read more
Published 25 days ago by Sarah
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great!
This was such a well written book!! I'm a psychology student so this was of particular interest to me, but the way it was written was so simple and easy to understand with... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Ash.x
5.0 out of 5 stars
Enlightening
Really interesting and got me thinking although i'm now aware of what has screwed me up and what has screwed up my own kids!! Read more
Published 3 months ago by Hazelg
4.0 out of 5 stars
great reading
Now I think I know the truth, but for all you people out there with issues of past experiencies I would recomend this one, it seemsto make sense.
Published 5 months ago by colin lodge
3.0 out of 5 stars
kats
The book downloaded after all.......I'd turned wireless off!
Looking forward to reading it, but can't give more than 3 stars until I've read the entire book.
Looking forward to reading it, but can't give more than 3 stars until I've read the entire book.
Published 6 months ago by kats
3.0 out of 5 stars
Not revelvant to my life
I was enamoured by 'They F*** You Up' and was very interested to find out his theories on not making the same mistakes yourself. Read more
Published 13 months ago by Kirsty Campbell
5.0 out of 5 stars
Highly recommended
I highly recommend this book. As a first time parent to be I found the research into how your parental style can affect the way your baby grows up illuminating. Read more
Published 15 months ago by R. D. Norris
5.0 out of 5 stars
A must for everyone struggling with family dynamics/mental helath...
A real eye-opener! Wish I'd read it before I had my child as the information helps you understand yourself and why you sometimes react in negative ways to every day stresses,... Read more
Published 17 months ago by KT D
4.0 out of 5 stars
Really useful for counselling courses.
Says a lot about family life today. Takes Bowlby's attachment theory and using modern examples expands on it. Shows how early family life really can shape how we are.
Published 19 months ago by KAW
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