The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real [Hardcover]

I found this book almost by mistake, and when it arrived I began reading immediately. It is one of the first books in a long time that I was compelled to read in one sitting. Author Toni Raiten-D'Antonio's writing is clear, compassionate, accessible and stimulating. It didn't hurt that the text was crafted around the children's story, 'The Velveteen Rabbit', one of the stories from my childhood that I loved dearly. I recall both the book and the film, and being moved to tears each time, both with the rabbit's becoming real, and the realisation that this reality came with a heavy cost.

'The Velveteen Rabbit' is a short children's story written in 1922 by Margery Williams. Simple in plot and idea, it nonetheless contains wisdom beyond its seeming simplicity. The issues brought up are those that concern children and adults in many ways, and Toni Raiten-D'Antonio taps into the key issue - living a life that is real, not fake or phony. Some authors in the area of vocational discernment and personal fulfillment talk about living an authentic life; this is another term for what is here meant to as being real.

What does being real mean? For the Velveteen Rabbit, being real was a goal to strive for, not in a material sense (the rabbit did exist), but in a spiritual and emotional sense. The rabbit was one of many toys in the boy's room, many of which were flashier, more complex, brighter, shinier, or just 'more' in some way than the seemingly cheaply constructed Velveteen Rabbit. Yet the wise old horse, the Skin Horse, loved so much that his fur had rubbed off, inspired the rabbit by his acceptance, sense of self, and grace he extended, even sometimes to other toys that did not seem to deserve it.

One of the key concepts in the story that Raiten-D'Antonio highlights is that 'real' isn't a product, but rather a process. 'It doesn't happen all at once,' the Skin Horse tells the rabbit. It is a process that can be slow, it can be painful, and it can lead where one doesn't expect. But the first concept is that being real is possible - Raiten-D'Antonio states that from the moment the rabbit realised that `real' was a possibility, the rabbit was on the road to becoming real.

For us as human beings, becoming real is not something we're likely to find in a self-help video or encounter workshop, going in as one thing and coming out as another. There is no `eight-minute abs' variant for becoming real. Nor is being real always pretty. Again, according to the Skin Horse, 'It doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.' However, these are things that matter only to those who don't understand (which, unfortunately, is much of our society). Raiten-D'Antonio coins the term 'United States of Generica' (U.S. of G., for short) for the kind of plastic, flashy society that runs on media-hyped images of what good and desirable should be.

Raiten-D'Antonio is a therapist, having left the more glitzy world of television behind - once a mover on the corporate ladder (even if the intention was to produce PBS/educational 'worthwhile' television), she found herself in a place personally and vocationally that was inauthentic, and worried that by the time she would be permitted to do what she wanted to do, she might not be herself any longer. The culture in which we live has misplaced values (she highlights the fact that we pay more attention to models than to Nobel Prize winners; even the term 'model' has implications beyond what in fact they are), and it is a struggle, a process, to become real - real to oneself and real to what is truly important in life.

One of the tasks toward becoming real, according to Raiten-D'Antonio, is to learn empathy, and in particular self-empathy. The Skin Horse had great powers of empathy. The rabbit grew in this during the course of the story. Empathy and self-empathy an important principle, as are all twelve principles gleaned from the story. Being real is meaningful, as Raiten-D'Antonio describes in her epilogue, and leaves a legacy more lasting and real than stocks, bonds, real estate, etc. 'If you become more Real in your own life and bring that to your relationships, you are practically guaranteed to leave behind an inspiring example for others.'

The transformation of the rabbit from toy to real is dramatic and poignant, and has lessons that can help transform our lives, too. This is a remarkable book, one that will stay with me for a long time to come, long after the whiskers have faded, the tail has become unsewn, and the fur has been loved off.

The ideas in this book have changed me. Reading Ms. Raiten-D'Antonio's simple, easy-to-understand, poetic words has helped me to clarify my values and nudged me along my way to building a true and real life. If you have ever been confused, unsure, or lost; or if you have ever lacked the confidence or courage to do what is in your heart, read this book.

When "The Velveteen Rabbit" was first published, it became an instant and enduringly popular children's classic primer on how to face and accept self even a tattered self in comparison with others. Toni Raiten-D'Antonio's The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real Hidden Wisdom from a Children's Classic goes a step further, using the story as a foundation for a self-help primer discussing superficial and inner beauty differences, and how to become more involved in a life well lived. Individual chapters insightfully discuss everything from real courage to developing emotional sensitivity and finding meaning in life.