The Incredible Years [Paperback]

Summary: The best book you can ever buy on Parenting

Reviewer: UK Parent who wants common-sense guidance

A work colleague told me about this book when I was complaining about my toddlers excessive tantrums. My colleague was so enthusiastic about it - that I purchased the book. I have read quite a lot about parenting small children, but none have been able to mix theory and practice in such a realistic way as 'The Incredible Years' does.

This is a truly sensible, middle-of-the-road book. Yet its approach is so refreshing and encouraging for parents. So much of today's popular (i.e. TV Nannies etc..!) approach seems to take the attitude of 'You must exert absolute CONTROL on your kids or they will control you!!'. If thats what you already believe, then this book also isnt for you. Similarly, if you are at the other extreme and believe that every facet of your child's behaviour is simply a valid approach to'just expressing themselves' and that they will learn their own rules for life as they grow, then this book will also irk you.

The Incredible Years encourages parents to look at the world through the eyes of the child - but it teaches them, as adults, a very simple but important technique of building stepping stones of behaviour. Interestingly, Webster-Stratton does not focus on the child's behaviour, but on the PARENT'S BEHAVIOUR as being the key to improving family relationships. For example, her first focus is on the overriding importance of genuine PRAISE in order to minimise behaviour that seeks negative attention, and on building up a 'praise bank'. There is a great deal of emphasis on PLAY - learning to play with your child (as oppose to trying to teach them how to 'play properly'. Yes, most of us feel that we know how to play with a child - but how many of us are willing to let the child take the lead and to not correct them about the story or process that they are using? Webster-Stratton explains that by trying to impose correct 'norms' on a child engaged in play - you are already trying to straight-jacket their wonderful outlet of creativity.

There is plenty of guidance on how to set limits, and for me, the best bit of all was teaching the reader how to IGNORE certain behaviours (I already knew in my heart that this method worked most effectively with my child, but everything else I had read or seen encouraged the heavy handed approach for even minor defiances. And this approach was definitely leading to more conflict and upset every time that I tried to use it). Ignoring - as taught by Webster-Stratton in this book has worked brilliantly most of the time for us - and I no longer feel guilty about it!).

The author also teaches about implementing consequences such as Time Out - but there is a lot of emphasis on not using words like 'naughty' - or any kind of approach that could make a child feel shameful and inherently bad. Instead, the emphasis in on 'time out to CALM DOWN'. And that can go for the parent too!

Another great chapter is how to teach your child to deal with their emotions...how to encourage them to learn what they are feeling inside their wee selves, and then how they can effectively deal with that emotion rather than hurtling head long into a freak-out with their nearest and dearest. Interestingly, this chapter can be equally applied by some adult readers who struggle with ways of understanding how they feel, and expressing what they are feeling. There is also a chapter on improving communication between adults who care for the child, and how to interact well with their teacher.

The tips on setting rules for a family, using rewards effectively (as incentives rather than easy, 'get out' bribes for both parties) and setting goals are excellent. There is also a very healthy focus on the needs of parents and how parents also need support and care.

As the mother of a toddler, I did find that most of the book is aimed at kids from pre-school and above, but the more chapters I read, the more it made perfect sense to adopt the basic principles of 'play and praise' - even from a tiny age - in order to prepare for the long road ahead.

I am so glad that I found this book when my child was 2 years old. Its already helped my family enormously. Webster-Stratton deserves a medal for writing this and I cannot recommend it highly enough for any parent who is in need of just a bit of guidance, or who wants to radically re-think their whole approach to parenting.

I am a clinical child psychologist. I do a lot of work both with individual parents and with parents in groups - amongst other things - running the 12 week 'Incredible Years' parenting course. I always advise parents to read this book, and they consistently report back that it is highly readable, accessible and helpful in its focus on strategies they can actually understand and use. Its focus on the more positive aspects of parenting is great. Parents, especially those of us with more 'sparky' children, can tend to focus on the more punitive aspects of parenting such a time out or applying sanctions or punishments. The Incredible years redresses this and encourages a focus on spending time with and building your relationship with your children. Section 3 on coping with common behaviour problems is always mentioned as invaluable by parents. Read it!

Can't add much to what the previous reviewer said - if you want a really helpful approach that will make difference to the whole atmosphere in your house, buy this book! No nonsense, fads or requirements to sign up to an entire "parenting philosphy", this book takes the heat and agony out of those moments when, much as you love them, you want to throw your kids out of the window, and in time, helps to drastically reduce their frequency!

Marvellous. Ideal for those parents who can't be doing with either Gina Ford or Attachment Parenting but just want sensible, practical and extraordinarily well researched advice. The book is based on work done with 3000 families!

Can't recommend it highly enough.

(PS - I have also found it to be the most useful book for my husband, he would never sit through an entire Penelope Leach type book but with this I can show him a particular paragraph about, for example, why our son isn't taking any notice of what he is saying and he reads it and says "oh yeah!" and that's that!)